In my dream last night, I was fighting for my life, battling a monster with everything I had. I was throwing things at him, shooting him, but like in every Bruce Willis movie, whenever I knocked him down, he’d rise back up and come after me. I woke up exhausted and with this question in my mind:
Am I living life like it’s a battle? Or am I living a meaningful life?
Our culture has a significant message about playing the game of life. It sounds fun. It feels light-hearted and enjoyable. But games can often turn into battles with winners and losers. You’re either ahead or behind and it can start to feel like you’re fighting for your life.
I realized this morning that I’d spent much of my life living like it was a battle. I’ve been continuously checking whether I did well or poorly, whether I had enough or too little, and measuring myself against some invisible opponent and checking to see how I’m doing on some leaderboard in my mind.
Some clues that you’re living life like a battle:
- You’re constantly measuring. For example, are you judging yourself or others as coming out ahead or behind after every work meeting?
- You’re constantly competing. For example, are you focused on whether you have more or less — stuff, money, bling, love, etc. — than others?
- You’re constantly looking outward. For example, are you focused more on what other people think rather than on what’s happening inside you?
- You’re constantly beating yourself up. For example, is that voice in your head telling you you’re not good enough on a regular basis?
- Are you exhausted?
I’ve talked a lot about living a meaningful life. I’ve often quoted Eckhart Tolle’s line about living life “with the transcendent always running in the background” as though that’s what I was doing. I realized this morning that that’s all it’s been — talk.
How do you actually live a meaningful life?
Although I understand the concepts mentally, I recognize now that I haven’t been living a meaningful life. Today, I commit to switching from the battle framework to a meaning framework.
This is how:
- Being trumps winning. We will all die, and we can’t take it with us. Just being here is the win. Now, accept life and connect deeply with what matters to you.
- Connection trumps competition. You could say competition is a form of connection, but I prefer collaboration. Working together for shared goals feels better.
- Looking within trumps looking outside yourself. Are you living in alignment with your values? Only you can answer this question. That look on your boss’ face doesn’t mean you’ve lost.
- Meaning trumps measurement. There’s no scorecard. There’s only the value you’ve created for yourself and the people around you and, like a boat, the type of wake you leave in your path. Is it full of positive regard or littered with chaos?
- Others — even difficult others — are not opponents. I don’t mean you have to stay in relationships with toxic people, but how you frame your difficult relationships will make all the difference. The difficult behaviors and judgments of others do not define you. You get to define who you are.
In Conclusion: Mindset is the Lever
I don’t think switching from a battle to a meaningful way of being means I have to change my job or my relationships or move to Bali and live in a hut on the beach, although that sounds tempting.
I have two kids in college and a job that I enjoy and that challenges me. I have good friends, and my family is my family. For the most part, I like my life. It’s just my way of being — my mindset — that’s exhausting me.
Because mindset is my lever here, this is not a “what,” “who,” or “where” solution, meaning I don’t have to change what is out there or where I am, or who is around me to live a meaningful life. It’s an inside job.
With work, I can ask myself, why am I here in this job? It’s not to win or come out on top but to connect to the people around me and support them in their growth and brilliance. Also, I’m here to sincerely do my best, honestly accept my strengths and weaknesses, and be a healthy, contributing part of the team. My life can have meaning if I can live this way.
With my relationships, I ask myself a similar question. Why am I here? It’s not to have my way or get what I want or feel good all the time but to connect deeply with my friends and family, support them in their growth, and grow myself.
My life is the same, but why I’m here has changed.
Growth and connection are the two significant drivers of meaning for me. Therefore, my practice from this day onwards is to aspire to growth and connection as much of the day as possible. I don’t want to turn this desire into another battlefield for myself though. Even a 10% improvement would be good enough and make my life meaningful for me.
I can’t assume it’s the same values for everyone. What values make your life feel meaningful? Are you living with them at the forefront, or have you, like me, gotten caught up in living a battle?
No matter what we do, perfect or imperfect, or what others do perfectly or imperfectly, we can still show up and live for meaning every day, which will make all the difference.
There will be no more monsters to battle, just life to experience.
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This post was previously published on Age of Awareness.
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