My first husband, the man who subjected me to more than two decades of coercive control, would constantly direct me to SMILE, often within minutes of a tirade of abuse. He wasn’t alone, many men seem hell-bent on ordering complete strangers to ‘give us a smile love’.
It’s offensive and needs to stop. Nobody is under any obligation to change their facial expression to make someone else feel better. That’s just common sense.
But what happens if the the current leader of Australia is hosting the incumbent Australian of the Year on the eve of the 2022 announcement and she refuses to make eye contact and is just flat out rude?
This event that happened today is headline news in Australia. The country is once again divided. The Right-leading Australian newspaper has labeled her as ungracious, rude and childish whilst the more liberal Sydney Morning Herald was kinder, noting that Tame’s critics have a hard time accepting that she doesn’t care what they think, which in turn exposes their insecurity in a changing world.
I agree.
The Herald’s article reminded us that Emily Davison was probably also considered rude when she lost her life for her cause at the Derby at Epsom racecourse in 1913. No doubt that ruffled more than a few feathers.
But was it really necessary for Grace Tame to treat the current, elected Prime Minister with such distain in public? Does it help her cause, or simply pander to the already convinced while driving a greater wedge between those striving for change and the somewhat apathetic everyday Australian?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge supporter of Grace Tame. Together with Brittany Higgins she has elevated the issues of child sexual assault and male violence to an unprecedented level in our country. I applaud her.
But I can’t help but think that she, and those who applaud her conduct this afternoon have lost sight of something very important. Human beings are complex beings. We don’t fit neatly into boxes. Grace believes, quite rightly, that our current federal government is doing too little too late when it comes to dealing with violence against women and girls. What she misses is, that playing to those who already agree with her is not enough.
Criminalizing coercive control — a case in point.
Recently the New South Wales parliament resolved to criminalize coercive control in intimate relationships. That’s a great first step. But even the unanimous select committee who had the benefit of hearing numerous witnesses and reading a vast amount of submitted material, acknowledged that educating the community about what coercive control is, and why it is unacceptable, is going to be a mammoth task. A massive education campaign will be needed before legislation can even be considered.
If women want to be safer at home, the most dangerous place of all, then we have to do a whole lot better than talking about it with people who already care.
It isn’t the feminist men who are abusing and controlling their partners.
Change will only happen when conversations happen outside our safe circle. When brave people, desperate for a safer world, extend olive branches across class and political lines. To effect change for women, we need communication lines open with people with no particular empathy for feminist causes. We need to draw in people who are hostile to what they perceive to be the feminist agenda. Some need to get over their delusion that all feminists lean left.
To really change the way some men treat women and girls, we need these issues to cease to be feminist issues and become human rights issues.
And we must accept that unless we find common ground with those that are not like us, nothing will change.
As a feminist and a victim-survivor I’m sad to say that I am disappointed in the way Grace Tame behaved today, but not because she didn’t smile. I’m glad she didn’t.
I’m disappointed because she lost an opportunity. She could have made eye contact and behaved in a civil manner. She could have built a foundation on which conversations could take place.
She could have done all of this without smiling.
Instead, she sadly has driven a another wedge and reinforced the myth that all decent people lean left, and everyone else is deplorable. And whilst the majority of Twitter is cheering, Twitter is not representative of the community.
She has burnt bridges that will take real work to repair.
Because if we are going to change the way so many men treat women, we have to meet people where they are.
It’s the only way.
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Previously Published on medium
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