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I’m about to let you in on a little secret women have been burdened with for eons.
We freak out.
There, I said it.
What men don’t know (or maybe you do?) is that many* women have epic moments of dating freak out when we realize we really like a guy. Perfectly capable women can suddenly, briefly, lose control of her emotions. For the record, I think many men go through some version of this, too — but our private experiences don’t usually get discussed in mixed company, particularly when we’re desperately trying to still look perfectly dateable. I’m bringing it to you today in hopes we can come to an understanding and not judge, run scared, or think less of each other when our hearts get the best of us.
Among women we might speak of it in hushed tones. “What’s up with Amanda?” one woman will ask another. “She’s having a freakout about that guy Jamie.”
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*Many, not all. This isn’t to lump us all together, but to offer tongue-in-cheek insight in case it helps you. I hope it does.
This particular phenomenon usually happens near the beginning of a relationship when we suddenly realize we really like someone, not when we just “kind of like” him. It’s when we realize we care, and it stops being “just casual” for us. Suddenly, it’s not all light banter and fun, and that can freak us out. Usually it’s only for a little while, until we get talked back to earth. Each woman will show it differently, some won’t show it at all, but she’ll feel it. And yes, it can happen for the most mature and astute of women.
Among women, we might speak of it in hushed tones. “What’s up with Amanda?” one woman will ask another. “She’s having a freak-out about that guy Jamie.” They exchange a look of understanding and both nod; having been there. “She must really really like the guy.” Again they both nod and think of how awful those freak-outs are, and how perfectly capable women have them. #FreakoutsHappen
Here’s hoping your understanding leads to compassion.
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Yes, we do know we sound like giant red flags when they happen. All of a sudden we realize how much we care and that can scare the bejeezus out of us.
We’re in the middle of Oxytocin Town, but we try desperately to pretend that we’re still that same Cool Girl you liked because she has witty banter, is funny, and can quote all the great movies.
We still are that girl! But, we’re in the midst of a neurochemical hot mess meltdown attempting to sabotage our thinking while we’re externally trying to pull off “normal,” or even worse “causal.” Forget aiming for Cool Girl. That part of the brain has been completely flooded with recursive thoughts about keeping our hands from flopping around like clammy fish. Cool Girl just a pipe dream when this happens. We have (briefly) lost our mojo.
Some of us will bolt, “I can’t take this. I gotta get out of here.” Some of us will suddenly act indifferent. These intense moments of mass anxiety will build up and make us feel literally insane. It’s like having a “Love Panic Attack.”
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Our voices get a little high pitched, our texts/PM’s sound a little frantic or (ugh) desperate (“hehe are you still there???? LOL 😊”) and we laugh too long and too loud at jokes that might not even be funny. Yes, we can hear ourselves, but we are powerless to stop the onslaught.
Some of us will bolt: “I can’t take this. I gotta get out of here.” Some of us will suddenly act indifferent as if this will balance out the internal maelstrom. These intense moments of mass anxiety will build up and make us unrecognizable to ourselves. It’s like having a “Love Panic Attack.”
(It should be noted that a change in behavior where someone begins stalking you/constantly calling or texting you or boiling bunnies in order to get your attention is an actual sign of potential danger. That’s not this. That is not OK. Get help and get away if this is happening.)
Invariably, we try to hide these freak-out moments because, well, they’re our secret insanity.
We know they’ll go away; and they aren’t really about you, but they would probably send you running, because, well, we’re a little anxiety-ridden and we wouldn’t blame you. But, remember: compassion. #NotAboutYou.
We know we sound like someone you wouldn’t want to date. It is an insane feeling. We even sound insane to ourselves! We know we’re thinking and talking about things that either don’t matter in the slightest or matter way too much. We see ourselves become someone who goes over the last five hours of conversations (or the last several weeks of dating) with a fine-toothed comb, looking to discover any hidden agendas, potential problems, references, inferences, meanings, between the lines subtext, “what was he thinking’s” and “is there even a future here?” Not only do we think about what was said, we infer what was meant, and create scenarios based on our made-up inferences. It’s not pretty. I think this could possibly be where Louis Carroll came up with the idea for Alice in Wonderland, except in this version Alice is the Mad Hatter.
We know we sound insane. It IS insane. We know we’re thinking insanity and talking crazy.
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We only unveil these secret moments of inner panic to a few trusted friends to talk us off the ledge.
Because we are aware that we’re on a tightrope and we can’t get off it alone! Our trusted girlfriends will listen to every single detail as if it matters that he said he thought it was great that we both liked the beach, and wouldn’t it be fun to hit the beach together someday … and did that mean that he thinks we have a future? Did we even want a future? Where is this going? Are we ready for this level of commitment, I mean a beach is a pretty committed trip, and oh, yes, it was just the first date so we might be getting ahead of ourselves.
The level of our thinking moved from the Cool Girl to what we would describe as Hot Mess in 0–60MPH.
We might be a CEO, a concert pianist, a neurosurgeon, or a world class athlete, but invariably in our freakouts it will boil down to us feeling like a goofy mess.
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And it may or may not be something you did or said; it may simply be us having our own little Love Panic Attack just because we like you, we really really like you. It doesn’t mean we are an actual hot mess. But in those moments we feel like we’re all the things we fear becoming. We might be a CEO, a concert pianist, a neurosurgeon, or a world class athlete, but invariably in our freak-outs it will boil down to us feeling like a goofy mess.
It’s like every insecurity we’ve ever had (since we looooooved Johnny and he dumped us in the 6th grade for Christie Johnson) comes rushing back. What kinds of thoughts run through our minds? Do we like him? Does he really like us? Did we upset him by saying the wrong thing/doing the wrong thing/being the wrong person? Is he looking for someone who isn’t us? Is now a good time in our lives to date this person? Are there red flags or reasons why we shouldn’t be dating him? Are we ready for a relationship? What about our laundry/job/that extra few lbs we put on/our finances? Are we ready for love? What do we want our entire future to look like? Is this is? Does he even like us? Did we ask ourselves that already? ARGH!
Don’t get me started on ghosting!
And now with the advent of social media you might find some you really connect with, have chemistry with and great conversations vanish into thin air; which we’ve appropriately termed “ghosting.” And if you really like a guy and you get ghosted, that can wreck you for a bit. “Is he ghosting me? I haven’t heard from him and we used to text all the time. Is he pulling away? Am I too available? How do I get my mojo back? Am I not the Cool Girl anymore?”
And then, through the loving support of our close friends — we can get back to ourselves. Grounded. Centered. We level out our breathing and we can start thinking rationally again. But for that night, day, or moment: anxiety runs the roost. And this entire time we’ve trying so hard to appear normal to you.
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Luckily, our friends understand this and we know how to help each other.
The support varies from friend to friend, but invariably it sounds something like “Chill the hell/F out!” “Breathe.” “Go the gym, live your life, relax.” “No, do NOT text him back 16 times right now to explain why you left a weird voicemail/email/PM/etc.” “STEP AWAY from social media.” “Put the phone down. Now.” “Do NOT go check to see if he’s online. STOP.” “Do NOT tell him off because he didn’t text you back, not right now.” “Put down the device slowly. Back away.”
Having been there, it’s like we’re the bomb squad and we know the drill. We know which wires to cut, and which wires will send our friend off into another mini-panic explosion.
Men, you may also be wondering, do all women experience this on some level?
In my field studies I would say yes. Even women who tend to be sought after by a vast majority of men will go through a Love Panic Attack when they find someone they really really like, or they realize they are not being sought after in this particular relationship. They will also begin to question themselves. I’ve seen it happen to models and women you would assume don’t have relationship concerns, so don’t assume.
We’re all human. Which is why treating each other with respect is pretty much de rigueur.
Why does this happen?
Maybe in that moment of caring, all of our wires cross and light up. We feel afraid. We feel anxiety. We worry about the future. Maybe this makes some of us feel powerless. What I do know is that adrenaline pulses through our body almost outside of our control because we care; and this brings up an entire cavalcade of emotional responses. Yes, we know that we are evolved and strong and powerful, but in those moments we don’t feel like the CEO or the business owner or the renowned scientist. We feel uncomfortable. As someone who has studied and taught the body’s adrenal responses to stress/fear and anxiety for over fifteen years, I can tell that “Love Panic Attack” freak-out produces some powerful stuff!
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This story has been republished to Medium.
Photo credit: iStock
I loved this article, thank you so much for writing it!
Word about “ghosting”. Not good. Not good at all. Sure, if she is certifiable, but its not at all the norm and we guys know it. Can’t count how many times over the years I’ve read a woman, a girl, write about what that did to her, how she felt after opening up and becoming vulnerable, only to get nothing. No explanation, no feedback, crickets. I’ve been discussing with a woman right now, a good woman trying to get her head around it when she did everything right with the wrong guy (professed his love, then went back to the… Read more »
I grew up with three sisters, married for 23 years. I know you pretty well, but you women still make me scratch my head sometimes. One of the boards that I participate in (and have for almost 20 years) is about dating and relationships. I do so to not only help guys understand women, but themselves as well (same with women). What I have found is that you women worry about things that are beyond my comprehension sometimes, and always when you start having feelings for a guy. Nothing in the entire universe can shake a woman to the core… Read more »
Typical fight or flight response when I am feeling vulnerable. It is all in my head, but it is the point when you know you like him a little bit more, but still not sure if he will play with your feelings or end up being an a**hole.
Just be mindful of the feelings, write a poem, go to the gym, maybe talk about it when you’re calmed down. But be aware the feelings are normal. Just do not act on them.
This left me laughing so hard. Why? Because I’m a guy, and I can tell you that many guys experience exactly the same thing. I’ve been like that, and I’ve listened to male friends recount, and analyze in exhaustive detail, their own experiences with a woman they’ve hit that point with. I have, for example, written ten thousand words about one evening in recent memory that I spent with a woman, and it wasn’t even a date. I can tell you, at any moment you ask, how many days, hours, and minutes it’s been since the last time I’ve seen… Read more »
Anthony! You admitted it out loud! That’s the first step! Haha, your comment is the perfect opening paragraph for the aforementioned book. Write it! Thank you for laughing, that was indeed the intent of the article. To bring some lightheartedness to a seriously weird and awkward time for perfectly sane people, ones that don’t normally track hours and hours of memories/conversations! I wondered as I was writing the article (and conferring with some of my girlfriends) if men had something similar. I have spent hours of conversations translating for my male best friends what I think “she” meant when “she”… Read more »
Yeah, I was going to say that men do it too. Perhaps a little more privately, like admitting it to only one or two friends, but the experience is more or less the same. Actually, I have some very fond memories of “no commitments” friends ranting and ultimately swearing, “I’d give it all up for ______! Everything!”
Usually after a lot of scotch or tequila, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t heartfelt.
Drunk words are sober thoughts…
When we love. We love hard…and we fall hard.
Can scare us just as much, but we do it, as you say, quietly, internally…but yeah, we can freak out, we can be hurt, we can pine away endlessly. Seen it many times with men.
I recall a scene from a short lived show about guys.
Guy A says something about his recent break up.
Guy B says: ” will you get over it?”
Guy A says: “Its only been about a day.”
Guy B says, “Yeah, and you are STILL talking about it!”
We don’t give ourselves even break one.
Oh Boy!! Can I relate to this article – and then some?!! And I am 67 (Well, I was only 63 – a mere novice to all this stuff – when it first started!!). It is so comforting to read this article. I went completely loopy, crazy, nuts over my new guy, and honestly thought I had gone completely ga-ga in my old age. I still feel this way now after all this time, because our whole relationship for the last three and a half years has been utter madness. And I am an intelligent, mature woman who is usually… Read more »
Oh Veronica, the loopy feeling indeed! Love chemicals that make us feel a bit off-kilter and insane (hopefully while still acting sane), but feeling that awkward feeing, ugh!
It sounds like you’ve come to terms with all the chemicals and love stuff and found a way to make it worthwhile. Thank you for your comment and sharing your story, it’s fascinating to understand that it truly does happen to most of us!
Be well and enjoy the love!
Theresa
Indifferent, ambivalent, accusatory, predatory, moody, crazy, paranoid, full of unfounded jealousy, unhinged, psycho, nuts, needy, toxic, being an actual hot mess. – or even the faint whiff of the smell of boiling bunnies – and we ghost. If you are more drama, work, pain in the ass more than you are fun – we ghost. I have learned the signs and symptoms well enough – the first appearance of crazy and I was done. Don’t ignore the crazy, men – pay attention; they are all indeed like that…. tis only a matter of frequency, duration and intensity https://youtu.be/20mWTD0FK3A & At… Read more »
Boris, thanks for the comment.
Indeed, do NOT ignore the crazy. Hopefully the only drama is inside our heads (or at the movies) and what comes OUT is more of that high pitched weird laughter or uncomfortable awkwardness. Never ignore what your experience has taught you, I was poking fun at the sane woman feeling a little bit wonky (but indeed, no toxic behaviors are approved!), on either side. Ahem.
Movie quote apps are good clean fun for everyone!
Theresa
I’d just like to say that not all men are like you Boris…so, please don’t use “we.” Personally, I find ghosting to be extremely childish and disrespectful. It is a difficult situation to tell someone that a relationship is just not working for you, or you need time to figure things out..whatever the case may be. But bringing closure to something rather than leaving the other person in the dark, subject to their own inner demons, seems like the right thing to do for ME. I understand there are some women, and some men who disagree with me. This is… Read more »