Cinematic Ego Stroking
Do you remember that clip from My Big Fat Greek Wedding where the mom and aunts of the main character, Toula, conspire to get Gus, the father, and head of the family, to allow her to take computer and tourism courses?
They end up sitting in the family diner and actually convincing the father that it’s his idea to have Toula take the classes. They then proceed to congratulate him on what a wonderful, smart man he is.
Ugh.
Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the nod to lipstick feminism here. In their society, that’s all they’ve got, and they use it to Toula’s advantage. But it’s the ego stroking of the father that makes me barf in my mouth a little bit.
And I think it makes me sick, because, in the past, I’ve been guilty of doing the same thing.
Building His Self-Esteem
When I met my husband, he had recently left the cultish religion he was raised in. His family was not pleased. This, coupled with the fact that he had never been the sports-crazy macho male his father wanted and his older brothers emulated, had left him with a lack of confidence outside his technical/computer programming abilities.
I felt bad for him. He’d been through a lot.
I began to build him up. I reminded him over and over again how brave he’d been to leave the religion he was raised in. When his family got on his case for not attending church, I encouraged him to go with his gut, that being true to himself was what mattered, and that I admired him for it.
Later, when he finished school, I was his cheerleader and therapist when he entered the workforce. I encouraged him to apply for jobs he might not have otherwise. I reminded him how impressive his resume was and that he possessed a valuable skill set.
When he lost his first “real” job I was there every day to listen as he rehashed everything that had happened. I encouraged him to apply for another job, a better job, even though his confidence and ego had been shaken by his first job loss.
And he did apply for better jobs and secured those jobs. Over and over I told him how proud I was that he was so successful in his career and that there weren’t many people as young as he was that were already so accomplished.
When he started to work on his physical appearance after years of being overweight and having poor grooming habits, I again encouraged him. I offered recommendations on grooming products and supported his weight loss journey by shifting my cooking to less calorically dense meals. I asked him to go for walks with me and my dog, though I’m not sure he really enjoyed spending time with us.
And this ego-stroking came at the low, low price of my own sense of self.
Is there ever reciprocity in ego building?
In my own case, my husband never reciprocated the confidence-building I provided. And god, I could have used some.
The closest I ever got to having all the time and energy I spent encouraging him was when he would brag about my accomplishments to his family (when prompted). Classic narcissist. And bragging about something someone else has already done isn’t building up someone’s confidence. It’s taking credit for something you have no right to take credit for to pamper your fragile ego.
And I know that my situation isn’t unique. How many times have you seen/heard a woman encourage a man, or give him way too much credit for an accomplishment that is by most standards, average?
I can’t even count the number of times I’ve witnessed a female relative or friend doing this. At this point, it seems like building a man’s ego is so ingrained in our culture that it passes for normal, and often, necessary.
Some men (though by no means, all) require constant encouragement to pass through life’s everyday hurdles, ones that women surmount without the barest credit.
There’s a distinct lack of give and take, but rather a parasitic attachment to the emotional support a woman is practically trained from birth to provide without question and without reciprocity.
I think I’m going to let the men in my life be their own cheerleaders for a change. What about you?
Want to read all my Medium articles? You can become a member here:
Want to show your support and buy me a coffee?
https://buy.stripe.com/4gw7u57yK6nK0W4eUU
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often | Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | ..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything |
—–
Photo credit: Maria Lysenko on Unsplash