Sarah is unsure whether to end the relationship with her partner or not. They’ve been struggling for a while with several ups and downs. It’s a long-distance relationship. When they see each other everything is wonderful. But when each one gets home, the fights start. Nothing too intense. Just misunderstandings.
She doesn’t know if she can keep up with the rollercoaster of emotions.
Sarah asked me for help to decide what to do next in her relationship.
She’s a 30-year-old math teacher who met Jim on one of these matchmaker platforms. They started talking on the phone a couple of months ago and she felt a lot of chemistry between them. They shared interest and unlike her previous partner, Jim was very open about sharing his emotions with her. He would say what was on his mind and felt like an open book. She could trust him. There wasn’t any hidden motif or parts of his life that he kept away from her.
Her last boyfriend wasn’t secretive, but he often gave vague answers, like about who he went out with. There wasn’t any cheating on his part, it was just a need to keep certain parts of his life private from everyone…even his girlfriend.
So when Jim popped into her life so open about everything, it was a big improvement. He’d tell her his day in detail, the thoughts going through his mind, it was a rich conversation.
However, he was still friends with all his exes.
Sarah wasn’t accustomed to that. She had been cheated upon in a previous relationship so that part of Jim’s life was difficult to handle. Once you break up, why do you need to keep talking to that person? And if you let the door open for a chat, are there any guarantees you won’t get back with her again? Or just slip one day and kiss her?
When they met up, their good times made these fears disappear.
However, they were just sitting in the background on standby.
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Understanding the gray areas
“Being friends with your ex is bad”
We first started dealing with this belief. It was important to see the emotional imprint of this core idea. Where was it coming from?
- Was it a feeling of being threatened by an ex, thinking they would steal Jim for themselves?
She felt that Jim would leave her just like a previous boyfriend did when he cheated on her. She had precedent in her life. And now these memories came rushing again. She didn’t want to go through this again.
A deep dive into her thought system
But I pushed back to challenge this belief.
- Did your ex-boyfriend cheat with one of his exes? (It wasn’t the case)
- Does one case of cheating ensure that all relationships, including Jim’s connection with his ex, will lead to infidelity?
- Is being friends with an ex seen as wholly good or bad without seeing the nuances or the specifics of each situation?
I wanted to address some erroneous beliefs underlying this idea by showing that she might be generalizing one case (which wasn’t cheating with an ex) to all cases, and the black-and-white approach to the whole situation.
First, we looked at these distortions in her thinking. We examined if there was any evidence that pointed to the contrary. Was Jim giving any reason to believe he would be unfaithful or was this fear rooted in past experiences?
It’s important to see whether Sarah was projecting something internal onto a situation or if was there any evidence from Jim pointing towards a threat in their relationship.
Next, we had to reframe that belief to make it more positive and realistic. Instead of thinking:
- “Being friends with an ex is bad because it will lead to Jim leaving me.”
She could consider something like,
- “Jim being friends with an ex doesn’t necessarily mean he values our relationship any less. Trust is the foundation of our relationship.”
Or
“My past doesn’t dictate my future, and every relationship is different and provides a chance to grow and learn.”
The art of conversation
While we were working on finding the most suitable belief system for this situation, we also emphasized how she was communicating with Jim.
Instead of keeping those fears to herself and not addressing the issue directly with Jim, she would now open up about it.
But before engaging in the conversation, Sarah had to understand her own emotions see the reasons for her discomfort (which we were working on), and establish the boundaries that would make her feel more secure regarding Jim’s interactions with his ex-partners.
She would pick a calm, stress-free time when neither she nor Jim were preoccupied or emotional. You don’t want to start a conversation on the wrong foot.
She would start expressing her feelings using “I” statements. For instance, she could say something like “I feel anxious when you spend time with your ex because it reminds me of past experiences where I was hurt.” Saying it like that would reduce the likelihood of Jim feeling defensive and letting him focus on her situation instead of trying to defend himself.
Her concerns should clearly state why she’s feeling upset and what specific situations trigger these feelings. For instance, Sarah might say something like, “I feel worried when you have long phone calls with your ex late at night because it makes me feel like I’m not your priority.” The more specific, the easier it is to deal with the situation.
This interaction should not just be about Sarah, but the relationship as a whole. Thus, they should set clear boundaries that respect both Sarah’s need for security and Jim’s autonomy.
Sarah should ask Jim how he feels about her suggestions (e.g. “share with me when you plan to meet her”), and what’s he comfortable with. The conversation should aim for mutual agreement, not a one-way decree. She could ask something like,
- “How do you feel about letting me know beforehand when you’re going to meet with your ex? I believe it would help me feel more secure.”
Once she communicates her needs, Sarah should focus on actively listening to Jim’s thoughts and feelings without interrupting him. Now it’s his turn. This will ensure a more balanced and empathetic discussion between the two.
To reinforce this positive communication Sarah could acknowledge Jim’s willingness to cooperate explicitly by saying something like,
- “I appreciate you listening and being open to setting these boundaries. It means a lot to me.”
Being heard and valued is one of the best gifts you can give another person, especially to a romantic partner.
Relationships and feelings evolve so it’s helpful to check in once in a while about how both Jim and Sarah feel regarding the agreement and if they need any adjustments.
Some measures might not work so if they’re not addressed in time it can lead to resentment. You don’t want to wait till the pressure builds up and explodes with both parties saying or doing things they’ll regret later.
…
Connect to yourself to connect with others
By challenging Sarah’s generalizations and black-and-white thinking, we opened a path for her to view her relationship from a more nuanced and healthy perspective.
This also helped her foster a safe space to communicate effectively with Jim. She knows what she feels and where those feelings come from, so she can better articulate that to Jim. But she can also listen to Jim, acknowledge his point of view, and develop agreements that they both feel comfortable with.
Therapy has helped her navigate the complexities of modern relationships, where past hurts and current insecurities intertwine. But the work is not done. Both Sarah and Jim have to keep revisiting their relationship every once in a while. Look at it, see what works and what doesn’t, and keep evolving together.
When you work on yourself, you don’t just improve yourself but things around you, and your partner will appreciate that more than you think.
Note: The characters and details in this case study have been modified to protect my patient’s anonymity. This should serve as a case study for educational purposes.
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I’m a psychotherapist specializing in self-growth and relationship dynamics. Journey towards greener pastures with me, where you’ll find a safe space dedicated to exploration, growth, and healing through personalized online therapy.
Schedule your first appointment for free with me here. Let’s talk!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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