How Nannette Ricaforte found healing from abuse through her fight against human trafficking.
The speaker was already in the middle of his presentation when I walked into the darkened auditorium looking for an available seat. I took a break from my volunteer duties at the justice conference hoping to catch a few experts speak on the subject of human trafficking, abuse, child slavery, and trauma.
I had no idea who the speaker was but I squirmed in my seat when I realized he was talking about forgiveness. I wondered what forgiveness had to do with human trafficking and abuse.
The act of forgiveness made me feel uncomfortable. For so many years after I left my abusive marriage, I held my anger close like a shield to protect me from further pain. I believed if I remained angry and nursed all grievances I wouldn’t fall prey to an abuser again.
I understood my natural tendency to exact revenge on someone who wronged me but forgiving someone meant weakness and vulnerability. I was hardly interested in what the speaker in the auditorium espoused on forgiveness until he shared a survivor’s story.
“He took one of my yesterdays but I choose how many of my tomorrows to give away.”
The speaker was Kerry Decker, associate director of Rapha House, and the source of this profound quote was a rape survivor.
Those words caused an avalanche of anger and bitterness inside me to pave a new path toward healing that years of therapy never accomplished.
Etched in my mind were a few points of forgiveness, which Kerry presented at the conference:
- Forgiving does not mean your offenders have changed. (You don’t need your offender’s permission or cooperation before you can forgive.)
- Forgiving does not mean reconciliation. (Anyone can apologize and make promises but change is demonstrated by how people live over time.)
- Forgiving does mean letting go of bitterness. (Justice does not free you from bitterness, only forgiveness can.)
- Forgiveness does mean abuse was part of your life but not the most important part.
- Forgiveness puts abuse in its place.
It’s been three years since I sat in stunned silence at the justice conference. The road to my own healing was tumultuous, yet, rewarding. I spent hundreds of hours on extensive research learning about the correlation between victims of abuse, forgiveness, and healing.
I discovered my anger and bitterness never shielded me from further pain but caused damage in the way I functioned in relationships because I never addressed or processed my trauma. Instead, I buried them with drugs and alcohol, congratulating myself for the numbness I confused with healing.
In my volunteer work with My Refuge House I’ve met survivors of sex trafficking, rape, and domestic abuse, including social workers who’ve helped me understand how forgiving myself was also essential in my recovery.
I’ve heard testimonies from a few survivors who amaze me with their resilience of letting go, not for the benefit of absolving the perpetrator from their crime but for their own mental and spiritual freedom.
Acknowledging the pain I’ve caused others while allowing myself forgiveness for the pain was a pivotal moment in my journey to restoration.
Amrita Maat, a nurse and child abuse survivor, advocates forgiveness as the foundation of healing from abuse:
“You have to forgive,” she says. “You have to forgive yourself and you have to forgive those who’ve hurt you. When you’re a victim, you’re often angry – because you have every right to be angry, right? But anger, focusing on blame and thinking of yourself as a victim only perpetuates the dysfunction and the pain it brings.”
Amrita points out the importance of identifying the pain you’ve caused people and in yourself, delving deep into the intricacies of its manifestations. She believes “forgiveness was possible when I released the hurt because it no longer served a purpose.”
Today I look back at the decade I spent in an abusive marriage without the searing heat of anger and resentment burning in my chest. I couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment it happened but it felt like the gradual absence of a heavy burden I unloaded on my travels.
I tell people fighting against human trafficking is my calling because I can be the voice for the voiceless. The unexpected truth was the voiceless gave me the key of forgiveness, which unlocked the self-imposed prison I placed myself in for years.
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Photo: Nannette Ricaforte
Bottom line: Forgiveness is key regardless of the circumstances! I attended a testimony from a Holocaust survivor at the Museum of Tolerance, and she mentioned that in order for her to move on with her life, she had to forgive the circumstance and perpetrator. I was shocked because I didn’t expect her to say that. I was expecting her to have a story of anger & hatred, but instead it was about forgiveness.
Hi Lulu, I have difficulty understanding that myself and something I struggled with. I understand now but it’s not easy. There’s a story of one of the young girls being restored at My Refuge House whose parents sold her for sex to their friends so they could pay their bills. How do you find forgiveness toward your parents? But from what I know, that young girl is undergoing therapy and might one day get there. It’s so difficult so I understand your shock.
“Forgiveness does not mean that your abusers have changed…” Insightful essay…and I get it on so many different levels…and it has been a long road…. When I saw my ex-abuser stalking me 2 decades after I got away from him, I was filled with fear and dread and the overwhelming compulsion to yell at him without confronting him directly…. 3.5 years later, I have not said a word to him directly….I have communicated my disgust with him and other abusers like him through a third party and online in various forums…I know he will not change as long as I… Read more »
Hi Leia, I applaud you for your progress because I know the arduous road you’ve been on. What you said, “to me it is understanding better what happened in the past and forgiving myself and allowing positive people into my life and establishing new boundaries…and not letting all the negative memories of the past eat me alive and make me ignore all the good people and things currently in my life” means you’ve empowered yourself. That was my problem, I was so angry and bitter I couldn’t appreciate the positive people in my life and was combative in all my… Read more »
Hi Nannette I am not so sure. I do not want to be disrespectful , but…… Why shall abused persons forgive themselves ? This is how priests talk,as if the abused cased the abuse. Priests talk about childhood sexual argues and tell the adult survivor to forgive himself . Hmmm. It is something here I do not understand. Shall the Jews forgive Hitler ? All this does not resonate with me, because forgives for me means more than a decision. And why are some persons bitter all their life,and others not? I doubt it is caused by their ability forgive,… Read more »
Hi Iben, no disrespect taken. I appreciate your input. For me, an abused person, I had to forgive myself because I hated that I allowed the abuse to happen for so long. I was filled with so much hatred I placed myself in harmful situations as punishment for being so weak and stupid. For years I was caught in this perpetual cycle of “self-flagellation” and didn’t realize I needed to forgive myself. I think it’s an individual choice for the Jews to forgive Hitler. Ten years ago, I read a book, called The Hiding Place, by Corrie Ten Boom. (http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/102203.Corrie_ten_Boom)… Read more »
Okay, here we go. My issue is this, what you do with your own trauma is for you to decide. If forgiveness works for you, great, in your time, but to advise others that this is THE WAY, the only way for them to get through, past or to resolve their trauma, in their time, their way, is not for you to say. It concerns me that you’ve now placed yourself in the position of ‘helping others heal’ based on your sole personal experience. At the very least, you should read, contemplate and consider some alternative perspectives. There is no… Read more »
There is a lot of research out there that talks about the benefits of forgiving others. Multiple amounts of information, studies and the likes have been gathered to point to that perspective and how forgiveness is physically helpful to people. There is more data and statistics about the benefits of forgiveness then I have evern seen collected about holding onto hurt and anger and not forgiving. I think forgiving others really is THE WAY. But it is not easy and it requires work and time. Based on someone’s opinon due to their own life experiences, education and knowledge, it’s perfectly… Read more »
Hi Leah, you’re right, there are other alternatives to handling trauma and I can attest to that because I’ve undergone years of therapy myself before I learned about forgiveness a few years ago. I have read and researched as well as acquainted myself with others who specifically deal with alternatives to trauma. People I hold in high regard such as my good friend, Jill, who is the founder of Uprising Yoga, teaches healing to children in juvenile hall. (http://www.uprisingyoga.org/). I’ve run the whole gamut of therapy for years and applied them to my situation but forgiveness was the missing piece… Read more »
Nice article.
To me forgiveness means saying it’s okay what they did, I know it’s not I just have such a jaded view on the topic of forgiveness. Maybe one day I will learn.
Exacty, Damien. I struggled with that very same “jaded view” and still do. It’s a difficult and long process to get to the point when you know the wrongdoing was not okay but forgiveness releases you from the power that person and wrongdoing has had in your life. I came across this link when I was researching for this article.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131/NSECTIONGROUP=2
How do you forgive people when you can’t even remember the events or people but they have upset family and friends having seen the different events happen.
You’re right, Luke, that’s a tough question. I don’t know your situation so I can’t give an opinion. I just know that the forgiveness I wrote about was knowing the perpetrator and his/her offenses. The family and friends you speak of, who are upset by the people and events, are probably the ones who need to make that choice to forgive if they are open to it. I hope it will work out one day.
Nannette, I have forgiven someone who in the past was abusive. It was a long hard road that I thought would never be resolved. His acknowledgement and apology for his abuse went a long way in my own healing. Although I do believe that someone can find, and often has to, find healing without the apology of their abuser. But once in a while I still cry or feel angry about some of the things that happened. Mostly because, despite forgiving this person and building a new relationship with them, these experiences still feel like a part of who I… Read more »
Absolutely, it’s normal, Erin. Forgiving someone doesn’t make us forget the pain and wrongdoing. I commend you for building a good relationship with this person because that takes courage. Forgiveness is a choice you make for yourself and your intentions are sincere. I had to wake up every day and make the choice to forgive all over again. There were moments I cried. I can only speak for myself when I say that making a conscious effort to forgive eventually removed the sadness. Each person has their own unique story but from what I can tell, your emotions are completely… Read more »
Thanks Nannette. I think I still have some healing to do but it’s mostly within myself at this point. This person was a family member, and one I have always loved and cared about. He is a completely different person from who he use to be. But if they had been a boyfriend, it would have been easier to simply not have any kind of relationship at all. Being a family member forced me to confront it. There was certainly a time when I did not want a relationship with him and even thought that there could be no way… Read more »