Choosing self seems paradoxical for relationship success.
Yet so many of us who desire a relationship, at times lose ourselves in the relationship and are unable to know who we are as an individual.
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Relationships are meant to enhance us, cause us to grow, not lead to a loss of self identity.
The very essence of relationship is two whole individuals who come together to offer support and love as we embark on our our life purposes collectively.
Unfortunately this is a misunderstood concept and so many people become one after marriage or a long term relationship, forgetting who they are and leading to the one who can exercise more control being the leader and the other being the follower in the relationships.
Relationships can’t make us whole beings if we are not.
Searching for wholeness only in the confines of a relationship leads to us being unable to grow and discover self.
Ultimately one will either leave the relationship or sacrifice your individuality for only a collective identity most times dictated by the more dominant partner.
How then can you choose self, yet ensure you care for the needs of your partner in a relationship you may ask.
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Bring a whole you to the relationship.
A whole you doesn’t mean someone who has everything together, but someone who knows who he or she is, because without such, you can be led by every sway of the wind, not knowing your values, goals, and ambitions.
Understand that relationship success is not dictated by losing your individual self.
Quite often we go into relationships and we lose who we are as an individual. To guard against this it is important to maintain individual goals as well as collective family goals. Without such you can be swayed in any direction, unclear as to where you are going.
Taking time alone to work through important aspects from prior relationships before going into another relationship.
So many times we are afraid of being alone and so we basically run from one relationship right into another, without taking time to heal, grow and learn from the past relationships. It is important to spend time doing so.
Maintain separate interest from the collective interest of the relationship
We would have had goals and ambitions that we wish to pursue, quite often on entering a long term relationship there is the lost of these goals and ambitions that we wanted to pursue.Relationships are meant to enhance us and it is important to find fulfillment in personal pursuits apart from the collective pursuits in a relationship.
Know your values and what matters to you
What matters to you can keep you centered if at times, you feel as if you are losing your sense of who you are. We all have values and goals that matter to us, keeping awareness of such and embarking on goals reflecting these values will allow us to bring a whole self to our relationships.
Engage in self love and self care for yourself
This may sound counterintuitive to relationship success, but whatever and however we view ourselves will determine how it is reciprocated with our significant partner. Therefore it is important we learn to love ourselves and engage in activities that rejuvenates our individuality. Self care activities, whatever it may be aids in allowing us to rejuvenate physically, mentally and emotionally.
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Relationships are meant to enhance our quality of life and offer the support along life’s journey.
However, so often, relationships becomes a place of pain, dominance and abuse in some cases.
Relationships were never meant to remove our identity and when this occurs in any relationship we are in danger of being sucked into a tunnel from which we may not escape.
Guarding against this requires maintaining more than anything self awareness, self love and self care. By taking the time to take care for you, you can offer to another one in a wholesome relationship that is able to collectively support each other in the ebbs and flows of life.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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