I watched Christine Blasey Ford share her story of how she was assaulted by Brett Kavanaugh. I was moved to tears seeing how frightened she was, yet how courageously and honestly she shared her memories of the assault that occurred when she and Kavanaugh were in high school. When my wife, Carlin, saw my tears and hugged me, my tears turned into sobs. As someone who has treated sexual assault survivors for more than 40 years and as an empathetic human being, I have no doubt that what she is saying is true. If anyone wonders why someone would wait so long to tell their story publicly (though she had told her story privately many years ago), you only have to hear what she and her family have experienced since coming forward: Death threats, vicious attacks on social media, having to move out of their home, having to stay in undisclosed locations with guards, and much more. Her courage and tenacity are beyond anything I could imagine doing myself. We all owe her a huge debt of thanks for letting us know about her experiences with Brett Kavanaugh before a decision is made about placing him on our highest Court in the land. She had absolutely nothing to gain by telling the truth and a whole hell of a lot to lose. — Jed Diamond September 27 at 8:43 AM
The comments in response were immediate from both men and women. Of the 141 “thumbs up, hearts, and tears” I received; 93 were from women and 48 were from men. After Brett Kavanaugh testified, I was asked whether I believed him. I said, “No, I don’t.” And added, “I definitely would like a full investigation by an impartial body. Here, I’m simply sharing my own feelings and thoughts after listening to her speak this morning. I believed her. When an investigation is carried out, I’ll listen to the evidence and change my conclusions if I feel differently then.”
It was clear from the comments to my post many men believed Christine and some women believed Brett, but clearly more women than men believed Christine Ford’s account and more men than women believed Brett Kavanaugh. My totally non-scientific sample was consistent with a recent USA TODAY/Ipsos Public Affairs Poll, 35 percent of women said they believe Ford’s accusations, compared to 21 percent of men. More men than women said they believe Kavanaugh’s denials, 37 percent to 28 percent.
Hopefully, there will be a full investigation and the facts will become clear. If there is new information that shows that Christine Ford is lying, that she made the story up to embarrass Brett Kavanaugh for political or other reasons, she should be punished. What’s clear to me now is that Christine Blasey Ford’s story and Brett Kavanaugh’s response is taking men and women more deeply into our own soul’s journey to address issues of sexual assault and aggression.
Here are some other thoughts that make me believe her and doubt him.
- Her story was specific and detailed and only talked about the events she remembered and how they impacted her life. His was angry and aggressive and blamed others.
- Although there are a number of verified cases where women falsely accuse men of sexual assault, they are very small in number compared to the large number of cases where men have, in fact, been sexually abusive.
- Brett Kavanaugh seems to have a history of drinking at the time the alleged incident occurred. People under the influence of alcohol have lower inhibitions and are more likely to do things they wouldn’t do if they were not drinking, and if they drink enough they don’t remember their abusive behavior later.
- Males in groups of two or more tend to be more sexually aggressive than when they are alone. They compete with each other for status and are more likely to violate a woman’s boundaries when she says “no.”
- Men in positions of power and privilege are more likely to feel “entitled” to sexual favors whether a woman gives them freely or not.
In an article titled “The Week Our Country Was Hazed,” writer Mark Evan Chimsky makes the connection between men who were abused and men who abuse others. “I have never been hazed by a fraternity. Until now. Living through the Supreme Court nominee’s hearings last week—ironically, the very same week that was National Hazing Prevention Week—I feel like I know what insidious, institutionalized abuse feels like at the hands of a fraternity of brothers.”
Chimsky notes that “At least one young man dies every year as a result of hazing, and many more are injured—physically and emotionally. Kavanaugh’s own college fraternity, Delta Kappa Epsilon (DKE), literally had a banner stitched together from women’s underwear. Hazing of men and sexual abuse of women are two sides of the same filthy coin. Not all fraternities are misogynistic and violent. But all of them need to hold the ones that are to account.”
Again, this is not a court of law. I’m not saying she’s telling the truth and he isn’t. When I’ve appeared in court as an expert witness there are much higher standards of proof that must be met. These are just my opinions and beliefs. It’s clear that both Ms. Ford and Mr. Kavanaugh are suffering. She is obviously anxious and afraid, as you would expect if she is telling the truth. He is obviously angry and hurt, as you would expect if he had been falsely accused.
I was once falsely accused of touching a girl inappropriately when I was volunteering in my daughter’s 4th grade classroom. It turned out a mother was suspicious of any man who would want to spend time with young children. I still remember feeling humiliated, even though I knew I had done nothing wrong. The pain of the accusation remains with me 35 years later. I can only imagine the pain of someone who was actually sexually molested.
Today, I’m thinking of my wife and daughter, my four sons, and seventeen grandchildren. I hope all the pain and suffering that Christine Blasey Ford, Brett Kavanaugh, and all those who have been sexually assaulted or falsely accused of sexual assault have experienced, can be put to an end.
Much healing needs to be done and much soul-searching needs to be engaged. We all want to live in a world where sexual assault and sexual abuse are things of the past. Though the process is painful, women and men coming forward to tell the truth about being sexually abused is a step towards healing. Everyone who tells their story of abuse should be listened to with an open heart and mind. And everyone who says “I didn’t do it” should also be listened to and heard. I’ve learned that most perpetrators were, themselves, abused when they were children. The truth will set us free, but it can also shake the very foundations of our belief systems.
I look forward to your comments. Come visit me at www.MenAlive.com.
Originally published on Men Alive.
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