Jason Helveston was always a believer. And for a believer, doubt is perceived as the enemy. Can that enemy be faced with opportunity and grace?
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Doubt is perceived as the enemy. Everything that makes us Christians nervous. No one tells you its unacceptable. But like an awkward first date that just isn’t working…you pick up on it pretty quickly.
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A number of Sundays ago I had a problem. It was a serious issue. I remember it really well. On my way to church a cold chill ran up my spine and my head hurt. For as long as I could remember I had been a “believer”. But this particular morning I was met with an incredible frustration concerning my aforementioned spiritual title. Within Christian circles “believer” is a code word of sorts to talk about those who are on our team and, I guess, those who aren’t. I know. It’s a problematic distinction. It assumes “non-believers” (or everybody else) don’t believe. But that just isn’t true. There are plenty of things people believe besides the story that God created everything, people messed up everything, and so God sent his Son, Jesus to essentially recreate everyone and everything. (My fellow believers, please allow this simplistic retelling of the story in order to make a more urgent point.) Some people believe in Nirvana. Others in the Bab. Others still in the human race. All I’m saying is “believer” is certainly an ill-conceived title. Never before had I felt the tension of this name than that Sunday I was driving to church. That day I wasn’t believing at all. In fact, I was doubting. Everything.
My particular conundrum would be problematic for any “believer”. But for me…and on this day…it was especially alarming. You see, I was on my way to church because I am a pastor. I was on my way to preach. In moments I would be speaking to a room full of other believers who expected to be encouraged and educated in their beliefs. By the very definition of my own team I felt like I was out. I felt incomplete, broken, even sinful.
Regretfully within the space of Christian faith and the community of believers called the church, doubt is perceived as the enemy. I mean it’s the opposite of faith, right? Doubt represents just about everything that makes us Christians nervous. Questions. Conversations. Investigation. Frustration. Tension. Troublemaking. Now just to be clear, nobody ever says this. There isn’t a book. And it’s not like there’s a class in Sunday school or in seminary for that matter that tells you such things are unacceptable. But like an awkward first date that just isn’t working….you pick up on it pretty quickly.
Needless to say, I wanted to change my sermon. That is, if I was going to preach at all. At the very least I felt compelled to share honestly that this particular message was difficult for me. And so I did. Right in the middle of my message on faith and belief to a room full of believers, I confessed my doubt. Immediately the room was split. There were some who were obviously uncomfortable and nervous. Others however seem as though they relaxed for the first time since I had known them. Doubt was certainly an unwelcome intruder to some. But it was something else entirely to others. Something that felt much more like hope, opportunity, and grace.
To a room full of believers, I confessed my doubt. It was an unwelcome intruder to some. For others, it felt much more like hope, opportunity, and grace.
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What I’ve come to realize since that agonizing Sunday is that definitions are extremely important. And assumptions are jerks. Too often inside and outside the walls of faith and belief, doubt is perceived as the enemy because doubt is assumed to be the exact opposite of faith. And the only reason we believe this is because faith has a bad definition too. Faith is usually treated as the complete certainty of all things God and Jesus and Bible. Really? The finite comprehending fully the infinite? People totally getting and predicting and cataloguing God? Twenty-first century folks unsurprised by a first century carpenter who embrace the reputation of Lord and God? Come on man!
Fortunately that’s not how faith is explained in Scripture, nor is it the way faith moves and breaths in real life. Faith is about seeing. One New Testament writer says faith is the evidence of things unseen. And so in my mind, faith is about seeing a future where God is both present and victorious. Now let’s be honest…God’s presence and God’s victory are extraordinarily causes for a myriad of responses. Questions. Conversations. Investigation. Frustration. Tension. Troublemaking. Upon further investigation doubt lives in much closer proximity to faith and belief than most are willing to admit. Doubt and curiosity and honesty are not the enemies of faith; in many ways these are actually the allies of the believer. Or as one rabbi puts it, “it’s through the waters of mystery that we arrive to the shore of discovery.”
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Illustration by Good Men Project Staff Illustrator, Katherine Sandoz
Great piece and honesty. The pressure you mention is on all people who ascribe to a specific faith (though it’s more true of some faiths than others) – doubt can feel like weakness, as if someone will jump and say, “See you have doubt! Hah! What you believe is nonsense.” But what follows is the realization that there is really nothing to be afraid of – we should seek the truth honestly and humbly…you will never get agreement or the respect of everyone. The really scary thing is to be so afraid to ask questions that you never move at… Read more »
I’m more comfortable with a leader who can admit mistakes and doubt than one who always has a solution for everything. Sometimes “I don’t know” is the most comforting thing to hear. It leaves room for growth and exploration.
I’m an atheist, and I think both faith & reason need doubt. Reason starts with questioning. But faith requires belief without an absolute guarantee, otherwise we’d call it knowledge. And certainty without doubt (whether religious, political, or scientific) can lead to extremism.
“But faith requires belief without an absolute guarantee, otherwise we’d call it knowledge.”
Well said my friend, very well said.
Thanks for this post Jason. I’m on a personal mission to find God as I wish to know God. I believe in God, but I don’t know God. I have a few friends who really know God, and they act as conduit between me and Him when I have doubt. And I have A LOT of doubt – whether God loves me, whether I am worthy of God. The message I get back is “God loves you more than you can know” and that my doubt is what prevents God within revealing himself. If I really explore my doubt, I… Read more »
Shaman – it sounds to me like you know God more than you think. More importantly, I believe God knows you. Acknowledge God’s presence in your journey and don’t be discouraged by your doubt. I don’t know that there is any true faith without it. Peace…