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When it comes to casting off the burden of being perfect and allowing myself to integrate this shadow side into myself… it’s been a journey to say the least. I’ve noticed there have been three major lessons I’ve learned that have made the most impact:
Lesson #1: Perfectionism is laced with an insane fear that we must PROVE how right and blameless we are. This fear is deeply rooted in what will happen if we are – gasp – doing something wrong!
We believe that there is punishment for being wrong and that we can never win. Maybe we blame our wrongness on our gender, sexual orientation, or relationship status. Our sense of self-worth may have been further tainted if we were abused by our father, unloved by our mother, scolded by our teachers, shamed by our preachers – or any NUMBER of other things.
We are SO afraid to accidentally expose our own wrongness that we cower in fear.
We close up, shut down, and don’t let anyone see our rawness, our vulnerability or our wounds. When we hide these, we hide our glory, our gifts, and our strength along with them.
When we choose to remain under the curse of perfectionism, we have to maintain the appearance of being right – no matter what. We think, “I must always know the correct information and make the correct choices. I must always have the right answer and I will go to great lengths to prove how right I am. I must make sure that everyone else has the same perception of me in order to prove how right I am.”
By trying to prove ourselves… we build walls around ourselves energetically, emotionally, and spiritually… that keep us in a sort of perfectionistic prison.
Lesson #2: Letting go actually leads to feeling more in control and less CONTROLLED by one’s life. A friend of mine who owns a graphic design business, once shared with me a little “secret” of how he ran his business. He said that there are three elements to any project: Time, Quality, and Price. He also said that he could only control one of them and the client controlled the other two.
This means when someone comes to him saying they would like to invest a thousand dollars for a website (Price) and have it within week (Time)… he says, “Alright, but it will only have one page and it will be from a template” (Quality). Or if someone asked him for an incredible, high end website (Quality) and says they would only pay $2,000 for it (Price)… he would quote them a finish date many months down the road (Time).
If that person doesn’t like his terms, then he simply doesn’t work with them. He put his energy into controlling one thing. Get the picture?
Now, maybe you are wondering what on earth this has to do with perfectionism. It represents to me how we can shift and change things even when we have a rather SMALL percentage (a third, to be exact) of control. We DO NOT have to control everything in our lives like a crazy dictator – because that is only an illusion of control. That is when life starts to control us.
What I saw happen as I wrestled with perfectionism is that I became increasingly obligated and victimized in my life. I would say yes to everything because saying no might be wrong. I would claim that other people made me feel bad because I couldn’t take responsibility for my own stuff. Then I would spitefully try to micromanage and manipulate everything into perfection because I couldn’t handle the imperfection I saw in others.
This created destructive bitterness in my marriage and made me quite a grumpy mother.
I had become disempowered by my own perfectionism. What I learned from my friend is that I can totally let go of the imaginary rule that says I have to control everything. I can release the standards I have for myself. I can say no, respectfully, and offer another way if I feel so inclined.
What I learned from my friend is that I can totally let go of the imaginary rule that says I have to control everything.
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I can own my energy, my issues, and be really vulnerable and open if I just let go of control two-thirds of the time. This is healthy perfectionism. I control the way I show up for the work of my calling and for the people I love most, my family. This allows me to commit to what is really important to me.
I can’t control others. I can only control me: my emotions, my actions, my decisions, and how I choose to respond and move through the world.
When we choose grace and love for ourselves and other people, we integrate our perfectionism shadow. Now we can love with an open heart and mind. As we stop holding ourselves to the standard of perfection, we also release these silly standards for others and allow ourselves to receive and experience life more fully… since we’re no longer lying to ourselves about needing to prove our worth.
Lesson #3: The majority of the time… no one else gives two hoots anyway about how perfect we are. The hardest lesson I’ve learned about perfectionism is that… so often… we are the only ones keeping score and judging ourselves so harshly.
We literally make ourselves emotional martyrs for the cause of perfectionism.
We think that anyone who isn’t willing to sacrifice themselves in the same way must be completely inconsiderate and selfish. We MUST be punctual and how DARE anyone else be late. We MUST do only A+ work all the time and how DARE anyone else do less! We MUST cook all meals from scratch, clean our homes top to bottom, parent like we are super nanny, work work work, run all the errands, and maybe on top of that homeschool our children or volunteer for every school function possible.
Whatever it is… I assure you… people who truly love you, couldn’t care less about you being perfect or how active you are in your community.
They just want the real you.
What would happen if you released your standard of perfectionism and accepted your perfectly imperfect self?
When I surrendered to my own truth and got really present with myself, I could let things “slide” in my life that I had clung so tightly to before. When the house isn’t spotless, I can handle that. When my kids aren’t perfectly obedient, that’s alright. When my blog post has a couple of typos… and ruffles a couple of feathers, it’s all good.
You can liberate yourself from the weight of perfectionism, too. Take a nice deep breath with your left hand on your heart and your right hand on your pelvic bowl. Feel yourself, your soul, and your body. Allow this burden to be released and give yourself permission to be free just as you are.
This piece is a modified excerpt from the book, Worship HER: Resurrect Your Pleasure, Embody Your Sexual Power, and Live Unapologetically for YOU. Published with permission from the Author, Steena Marie Brown. Worship HER is available on Amazon here.
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