Sami Holden advises on whether making a comeback from a bad first impression is possible.
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Dear Sami,
I’m shy around new people, especially women I find attractive. I get friend zoned a lot. When I developed a crush on my friend’s new roommate, I knew I had to ask her out quickly yet felt very unsure of myself. It showed. Our mutual friend said her roommate wished I had showed more confidence when asking her out which is why she said no. If I am more confident around her, can I ask her out again? Do you truly get only one chance at making a good first impression?
Signed,
I’d like a second first chance.
♦◊♦
Dear Second First Chance,
Would you really want to ask her out again? Rejection sucks, but I feel like she used your (maybe) lack of confidence as just a reason to point to as why she wouldn’t go out with you. Wouldn’t you getting up the courage to ask her out be an actual sign of being confident in and of itself? What does her version of “being more confident” even look like? For the time being, let’s forget her and address some of the other points you bring up.
It’s interesting that your first inclination in knowing that you are shy was to ask her out immediately. If you are concerned that being shy is holding you back, maybe wait a while to let the person you’d like to ask out get to know you better. I don’t think waiting would put you in a friends-only position. Actually, it has been said that familiarity leads to attraction. Ever met someone and after a few months of being around them they were suddenly attractive? It definitely happens.
I don’t buy into the friend zone. I have male friends who are in my life because they are extraordinary people and I care about them very much. I would hope that the only reason they are around isn’t because they hope to someday date me, and would therefore be unhappy if they never did. However, I do feel that instead of friend zoned, what you might mean is back-burnered. I think diabolical people of both genders sometimes keep people around and treat them sort of like a significant other in case nothing better comes along. In essence, you’re placed on the back burner. This behavior is not cool and if it happens to you, it has nothing to do with your confidence factor and everything to do with them being a terrible person.
Why is being shy a bad thing? I kind of have a thing for guys that are slightly shy and awkward. It makes me feel more comfortable being around them as I know I’m probably going to trip over something or spill soda on myself by the end of dates one or two. I find shy endearing. Also, shyness doesn’t mean you lack confidence. It means that you take a while to warm up in social situations and there is nothing wrong with that. Shy can come across as mysterious and there are plenty of people who dig that. Basically what I’m saying is that there are women that will be into you for being you. Please don’t feel you have to change yourself if you are otherwise happy with who you are. Reframe your attitude towards being shy as something that could draw certain types of women to you rather then be a deterring factor.
Can you ask her out again? Sure. I don’t think first impressions are set in stone. I don’t think you ruined anything. You didn’t make it sound like you were offensive in any manner or that any part of the actual ask out went direly wrong. I can’t advise you as to what the optimum level of confidence would be to get her to say yes. Know that by focusing in on her and waiting however long you feel is right before asking her out again, you may be missing opportunities to go out with women who will like and appreciate you for the shy-natured guy you are.
Hoping for better dating days ahead,
~Sami
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This post is republished on Medium.
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