Sometimes, when I’m walking around in a busy train station, I practice awareness that everyone is dealing with their own issues. I consider that everyone has a burden causing them to be reactive and anxious. When you treat everyone as if they’re dealing with their own issues, you are much more likely to be patient, kind, and compassionate towards them. Why? Because you realize that they have a problem, and it has nothing to do with you.
You can give them the benefit of the doubt. You can deal with whatever they throw your way because you know that they are suffering. Instead of making their pain worse, or increasing their suffering, you can maintain peace and share a smile, and try to show them love, compassion and try not to add to their suffering.
Don’t Let Them Hold You Down
People will always try to bring you down. Don’t let them.
When other people are stressed, unhappy, and miserable, they don’t like seeing other people who are happy and content. They think that just because they’re unhappy and miserable, everyone should feel the same way. So they’ll do 2 things: they’ll try to bring you down with them, or they’ll harbour negative feelings towards you. But you can’t let people bring you down. Don’t let them win. Don’t let them bring you down. Whatever they’re struggling with is their problem, not yours. Let them say all of the worst things to you, be tolerant, be patient. Smile in the face of evil.
Don’t let anyone affect your mood. One thing you could do to avoid making things worse for them, is try not to flaunt your happiness in people’s faces. They don’t like it, so just hide it. Keep your face, actions and words stable so they don’t think you’re happy. Just act mellow, so you don’t piss them off, stay out of their way. When you escape, and you’re with people you trust or out of the poisonous environment, that’s when you can be your true self.
How do we develop empathy?
“It’s not me, it’s you”
Being empathetic is a positive action, but how does one become an empathetic person, or practice empathy?
Here’s the situation: A friend, coworker, parent, sibling or stranger, yells at you over something very minor. Maybe you unknowingly cut them off in line, you forgot to do something, or you’re just acting in a particular way that sets them off. And they explode on you. Is it really your fault? Did you deserve to be yelled at? How could you practice empathy in this situation?
More often than not, whenever someone reacts in a negative way towards you, whether it is with anger, frustration, or any other negative emotion, 95% of what they’re feeling and how they’re acting has NOTHING to do with you.
But if it’s not you, then what does it have to do with? Probably whatever led up to that moment of reaction. Maybe they had a bad day at work. Maybe they’re tired, hungry or worried. Maybe they received some bad news today like they’re losing their job or a close friend is ill. Maybe they have an underlying physical or mental health issue that you don’t know about, that is causing them pain. Whatever the cause is, it is most certainly not you.
So how can we cope with negative reactions and emotions directed at us, and take it as an opportunity to be empathetic? It could be a three-step process:
- It is almost always safe to assume that you are NOT the root of the problem, because more often than not, you’re not!
- Come up with a reason of WHY the person acted the way they did towards you. This can help you to rationalize their behaviour, and be more patient and empathetic towards them. You don’t need to share the reason with the person or anyone else, but merely coming up with a reason can be helpful.
- Last and most importantly, try not to react back at the person. By assuming there is another cause of the problem, you can simply tolerate the person’s negative reaction, and accept that it has nothing to do with you. Regardless of your height or weight, try to be the bigger person!
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Seeing the Good in Others
Although we like to see situations as clearly good or bad, most are neutral. For example, no one is entirely good, nor is anyone entirely bad. Most of us do things that are good, and bad.
My father is masterful at seeing the good in others. Whenever he catches himself complaining about someone for their actions or traits, he quickly follows it up by stating at least one thing good about them or their behaviour.
For example, he went to a conference with an old colleague he finds intolerable: he’s unhealthy, arrogant, selfish, deceitful, lazy, and narcissistic. After my father finished complaining about him, he immediately followed up with saying, at least he’s a bright guy, hard-working, and he kept me on top of the conference sessions that I should attend.
So from my father, I have learned that more often than not, people are not who they seem. Their actions, tone, and words don’t always reflect their true self and don’t always represent how they treat others. If you give people the benefit of the doubt, you’ll always have the opportunity to see the good in others. So the next time you catch yourself complaining about someone, try to follow up with at least one good thing that you’ve seen them do, or about their personality. You might see them in a different light, next time.
Relating to the “Bad” In Others
As much as we like to compare ourselves and find similarities to others that we like, how often do you compare to yourself to someone that you don’t like, or who has acts a way that you don’t like, or has a personality trait that you don’t like?
I think the answer is rarely if ever. Why would you want to do that? Why would you want to “put yourself down”? The reality is, we’re not putting ourselves down, but merely empathizing with someone, because they feel the need to act a particular way. Or maybe it’s just who they are, and they can’t regulate their behaviour. But we’ve all acted in a way that makes us cringe, at one time or another.
So next time you see someone being short with a fast-food employee, or a driver who cuts you off, or a colleague who yells at you, recognize that you may have acted like this in the past, and they’re having troubling regulating their behaviour right now, likely because of an ongoing issue. Show them some empathy by being patient and tolerant of their actions. A little empathy could go a long way!
Seeing Yourself in Others
Why should we be patient with each other? Because we are ALL a reflection of one another. Within each of us, we have the capacity to be like anyone else. Bhen said to me today that, “I have a Chet in me. I just try every day to suppress it until it explodes on me like today.” I sincerely believe that we are all made up of the same material. We are all born the same, then our experiences and genetics shape us. I think we all share the same genes, they’re all just expressed in different ways. Gene expression is what makes us different. However, we’re all made of the same thing. This has several implications.
First, this means that whatever someone else is like, you have the capacity to be that way too, for better or for worse. So if you see a characteristic or trait in someone that you don’t like, you too have the potential to be that way as well. So before you get upset at them or hate them, recognize that you too, have been this way in the past, or have the capacity to be this way. So rather than be upset, show them empathy, love and compassion towards their situation, because you too could have, or have, been in that situation before.
When you see someone struggling, you can say
- I’m sorry that you feel that way;
- I know exactly how you feel, I’ve been through it before;
- I hope that your situation improves soon.
This is another reason why we should be patient with others, because this is how we would want people to be with us. And because we are really being patient with ourselves. We treat others like they actually are us.
Inversely, the amazing and great things or behaviours in others, you too have the capacity to be that way too. When you see other people doing great things, you too have the capacity to do great things. For example, Steph Curry and Roger Federer are phenomenal athletes. We too have the ability to maximize our own capacity for playing sports. The key seems to be the mental game.
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