Navigating the intricate landscape of relationships often involves decoding subtle signals that indicate the nature of your connection. In moments of uncertainty, we might discover ourselves immersed in the realm of situationships, where the boundaries between commitment and ambiguity become indistinct. While a relationship inherently involves a shared vision and mutual agreement on a defined future, specific signs may hint otherwise.
Explore these six vital indicators that could signify your connection leans more toward a situationship, urging you to reassess the dynamics and future prospects of your partnership.
1. Lack of Future Planning
Sign: Your partner consistently avoids discussions about the future, sidestepping topics like long-term plans, marriage, or even simple commitments like upcoming vacations.
Recognition Tips: Pay attention to how your partner responds to discussions about the future. An unwillingness to engage in these conversations may indicate a reluctance to commit.
Relationship Repair: Initiate a calm and open conversation about your expectations for the future. If your partner continues to avoid the topic, consider the long-term implications of being in a relationship with someone who is not willing to plan for the future.
Real World Example: I have never once questioned whether my partner is invested in our relationship. Sure, we’ve had some rough moments, but that was mostly attributed to past relationship trauma that we needed to work through and heal from. Overall, it has felt easy. He has consistently endeavored to make me feel safe and to reassure me when I express my fears, and has been willing to make plans for our life years into the future. I’ve never doubted that he is as committed as I am to working to ensure things align for the best for us both.
Reevaluate Tip: While most people take joy in showcasing their partners when they’re content in a relationship, signs of concern may arise if your significant other hesitates to discuss you openly or exhibits single-person behavior when in public — whether in your presence or not. If they constantly scan the room and engage in excessive flirting, it could indicate that they are contemplating their next romantic connection and are in the process of moving on from the current relationship.
2. Emotional Distance during Conflicts
Sign: Your partner withdraws emotionally or physically during disagreements, avoiding communication or shutting down when faced with relationship challenges.
Recognition Tips: Observe how your partner reacts during conflicts. Emotional distance may manifest as a refusal to discuss issues, stonewalling, or an unwillingness to address underlying concerns.
Relationship Repair: Address the issue directly, expressing your need for open communication. If your partner remains distant and unwilling to engage in conflict resolution, consider the impact of this behavior on the relationship’s health and growth.
It’s helpful to address issues in a non-threatening time and place (e.g., not in the car on the way to a high-pressure event, or while lying in bed together pre or post-coitus.) Be intentional with how you phrase things, and make an effort to keep your voice calm and steady.
Real World Example: Fairly early on in our relationship, my partner and I were at dinner (and he had had a couple of drinks and was feeling toasty) and I made an offhand comment about playing games. I was envisioning him chasing me around my apartment, pretending he was going to goose me (though I didn’t say it this clearly which probably wasn’t helpful.) He leapt to conclusions (also not helpful) and thought I was talking about playing mind games. He started simultaneously freaking out and shutting down. He was sweating profusely and his hands were shaking — an extreme anxiety response that flooded his system almost immediately — and he pushed back from the table. “Nope. Nope. Nope.” He said. “If you start playing games with me, I’m outta here. I dealt with that with my ex for 22 years and got to the point where I questioned my sanity. I’m not going to do that again.”
We worked through it, but boy, was it an awkward exit from the restaurant.
Reevaluate Tip: If their withdrawal is not specific to you but happens in the face of any conflict, with any person, consider your partner’s level of emotional maturity, and whether they are capable of being the partner you need.
3. Consistent Resistance to Compromise
Sign: Your partner consistently resists compromise and refuses to meet you halfway on important decisions or plans. (Or, like in the case of my Wasband, your partner expects you to do all the bending, to meet them where they are.)
Recognition Tips: Reflect on the patterns of decision-making in your relationship. Is there equal give and take? Are you both willing to shift your stance a little bit if it means making your partner happy? An unwillingness to compromise — particularly when it happens again and again — may lead to a power imbalance and hinder mutual growth.
Relationship Repair: Initiate discussions about compromise and collaboration in the relationship. If your partner remains resistant and unwilling to find middle ground, evaluate the sustainability of a relationship without mutual give-and-take.
My partner and I have a game that helps with this (that we actually borrowed from an article I read years ago, and I wish I could remember the author and link them). While we are mostly on the same page about decisions big and small, when we are not seeing eye to eye, we ask each other how much we really care about this decision, on a scale of one to ten. The person who cares more gets to make the final call.
Real World Example: Recently, we were discussing how to renovate the TV room; It’s rather small but needs some oomph and pizzazz and we settled on the idea of wooden slats to complement the rest of our Mid Century Modern style home. We were having a slight disagreement on which color and which walls to put the slats and I realized that I care maybe a level of two on the scale and he cares a level six, so I told him that really, whatever he wants to do is fine with me. (Now, when it comes to the kitchen and living room area, I care an eight and would probably push a whole lot harder for what I envisioned.)
Reevaluate Tip: In a healthy relationship, there should be a mutual willingness to give on both sides. While maintaining healthy boundaries is crucial, there should also be a genuine desire to contribute to your partner’s happiness (and vice versa) and a natural inclination to offer support whenever possible. Relationships should not be arenas for extreme selfishness or control. If these negative elements persist in your life, it may be worth considering whether sustaining such dynamics is viable for the long term.
4. Lack of Effort in Personal Growth
Sign: Your partner shows a lack of interest in personal growth or self-improvement, resisting efforts to evolve individually or as a couple.
Recognition Tips: Assess how your partner responds to opportunities for personal and relationship development. An unwillingness to invest in personal growth may hinder the relationship’s ability to adapt and thrive.
Relationship Repair: Discuss the importance of personal and mutual growth with your partner. If there is consistent resistance to self-improvement, consider whether this aligns with your vision for a fulfilling and evolving relationship.
Real World Example: When I finally got up the courage to share with my Wasband just how unhappy I was in our marriage, and suggested we go to counseling to learn how to communicate more effectively together, he initially shrugged it off. And though he was later willing to go to three sessions, he pulled out after because, he told me, he had already worked through his issues. I was the messed up one and I needed the therapy, so I should go alone.
I wish I had recognized this as the warning light it was; He genuinely thought there was nothing anyone could teach him, and that he had resolved everything there was to resolve about him, and planned to coast through the rest of his life as-is. In contrast to that, I always want growth and evolution. I hope I’m not the same person at 45 that I was at 25.
Reevaluate Tip: It’s exhausting to be in a relationship with someone who consistently cares a level 10 about everything, and expects you to capitulate. If this happens, reflect on whether there’s a deeper issue at play: Do they want to exert total control on the environment around them? Do they seem to genuinely care how you feel and want you to be happy too? Would they rather win than have relationship peace? Do they think you need to do all the changing, while they are perfect just as they are? If accurate, these indicators may signal that it’s time to reassess how you want to feel in a relationship — and if this is the one for you.
Remember, these warning signs are not definitive proof of an unwillingness to commit, and communication is key in addressing concerns. Use these observations as starting points for open and honest conversations about the future of the relationship. If persistent issues remain unaddressed, it may be crucial to reevaluate the compatibility and long-term viability of the partnership.
5. Unwillingness to Address Relationship Concerns
Sign: Your partner consistently avoids discussing concerns or issues within the relationship, deflecting conversations about problems, or dismissing your attempts to address important matters.
Recognition Tips: Observe how your partner responds when you express concerns or seek resolution. If there’s a pattern of avoidance or defensiveness, it may indicate an unwillingness to invest in the relationship’s well-being.
Relationship Repair: Foster an environment of open communication in which you discuss relationship concerns, and stress the significance of addressing issues collaboratively. If your partner persists in avoiding constructive dialogue, it’s crucial to reflect on how unresolved problems might impact the overall well-being of the relationship. Moreover, when your partner does express a concern or problem, make a conscious effort to avoid defensive or counter-offensive reactions. Instead, receive their concerns with the intention behind them. Remember, people share their relationship struggles either because they still care and believe in the possibility of resolution or because they’ve reached a point of indifference.
Real World Example: In the first handful of years I was married to Wasband, I did bring up the issues with which I was struggling. But after years of him withdrawing more and more emotionally, or dismissing my feelings rather than validating them and showing he was willing to hear me and see how we could address those challenges as a team, I slowly stopped trying. I stopped having hope that it would even matter if I did share how I was feeling, and stopped trusting that he’d care enough about me to want to work on our issues.
Reevaluate Tip: A lack of emotional and physical safety is a warning sign. If expressing your concerns makes you anxious about potential negative reactions or backlash, it could be indicative of a toxic partnership. This may signal the need to reassess whether the relationship is a healthy environment for you.
6. Ambiguous Statements about Relationship Status
Sign: Your partner often makes ambiguous or non-committal statements about the status of the relationship, such as avoiding terms like “us,” “we,” or “together” when discussing future plans or milestones.
Recognition Tips: Pay attention to the language your partner uses when referring to the relationship. If there’s a consistent avoidance of inclusive terms, it may indicate uncertainty or a lack of commitment.
Relationship Repair: Initiate a conversation about the clarity of your relationship status and express your need for transparency. If your partner continues to use vague language, it may be a sign that they are not fully committed to a shared future.
Real World Example: During the jagged final three years of my marriage, but before things had so deteriorated that I was aware the end was imminent, my Wasband and I went for a walk along the river in the beautiful town where we lived. It was rare for him to want to spend time with me outside the house, and it was a beautiful day — sunny and clear, but a balmy 68˚. At one point during our walk, he was talking about wanting to move into the middle of nowhere and dropped the phrase, “Who knows if we will still be together in the future, so I could just live in a little log cabin in the woods,” and my brain started whirring. He had pursued me relentlessly at the beginning of our relationship, love bombing, and proposing within months, and it had never occurred to me that he was already thinking of an exit only a decade or so into the marriage. To hear him actively talk about not being married — though of course not in those words — stunned me. I had assumed that we were committed, but this made me feel emotionally unsafe with him.
Reevaluate Tip: Keep in mind, too, that words are hollow if actions don’t align. If your partner tells you that you are exclusive, but then is secretive with where they’re spending their time, or if they are reluctant to make “we” statements when talking about upcoming holiday plans, it may indicate that they just aren’t as invested as they say.
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Recognizing these warning signs and engaging in proactive communication can provide valuable insights into the commitment level of your partner. Relationships require mutual effort, openness, and a shared commitment to growth for long-term success. It takes both people being fully invested to make a relationship work. If these warning signs persist and efforts to address them prove futile, it may be necessary to reassess the compatibility and future of the relationship.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Jeremy Perkins on Unsplash