Toxic Masculinity is the term I’ve heard thrown about the walls of social media lately. Personally, I always thought toxic masculinity was something that had befallen my father. A combination of absent parenting and few childhood boundaries led him to make up his own rules; as far as I’m aware he didn’t have a good grounding or someone to teach him right from wrong. He lacked nurture, grounding, and good boundaries every healthy kid should have when growing up.
I had an exchange with someone on twitter a few days ago and it was put forward to me that all men participate in toxic masculinity whether they are aware of it or not.
Have I been part of this?
Yes; in my late teenage years and early twenties. I was heavily involved in drugs, and alcohol and socialized in unhealthy groups of people around about that era. I was part of a stem of masculinity that is harmful — this was my father’s legacy to me, a toxic male, as it was his dad’s before him.
I don’t believe that masculinity in itself is toxic, though. For one thing that would mean every woman would feed into this too, because our spaces between each other are very small, and there’s very, very little chance that one cannot be influenced by the other. Actions have consequences. Occasionally those actions, however small, can snowball into terrible consequences. If masculinity is toxic, then women would have to exist on an island of their own in order to play no part in it.
I have met some incredibly empowering men in my life. Men that have picked me up when I have been at the lowest point in my life and just sat there with me, men that have mentored me and have gone that extra mile so I could achieve what I wanted to, and men that have been incredibly generous with me. I am proud to call most of these people my friends. A lot of the healthy lessons about masculinity I missed from my absentee father I have drawn from these men.
I had a manager once, it was when I was beginning my career before I changed direction and I was wanting to climb up the ladder in the civil service — I remember him coming to my desk, putting his arm around me in a fatherly way and saying to me,
“Raymond, if you want to succeed, you’re going to have to broaden your horizons.”
Of course, I didn’t know what this meant (I SO wish we had internet back then), to me he was just being a nice man making conversation, but as I sit here writing this now, a lot of what he told me back then rings true today. Funny how these snippets of life advice stick, right?
Anyway, there’s a lot of contention and negativity within some of the male circles I’m in. I mean I do get it, it’s popular to bash men and they are feeling attacked. I am feeling attacked at times. There is also a double-speak within some of the articles I’ve read online that ask for realistic goals, but the authors act totally unrealistic themselves. An example would be, “Men should talk about their feelings, and open up” but when we do open up, we are chided as fragile, or toxic, or that we are the problem. You can’t have one without the other. In essence, men can’t open up without other people getting their feelings hurt. I give space to my wife. It often hurts what she has to say to me, but this is the sacrifice I make in the name of growth. My feelings getting hurt.
I often wonder if this whole situation is to do with the lack of self-reflection and personal awareness on both sides? I know for a fact that if I scold someone then the reaction I get back won’t be a positive one. I know that as soon as I judge, blame, accuse, or look down upon someone they are no longer listening to me. They have switched off as soon as I have approached them, or they have read the first line of my article and ditched it. One must talk to another with respect and treat them as your equal for real listening to start.
The last job I did was working with people at the grassroots of society and that requires a particular set of skills. Something not everyone can do, listening without judgment is incredibly hard and takes a long time to master. Most people I meet are reactive and don’t generally think about how their actions impact on others. I do a lot of work with cause and effect. I think before I speak, and I always wonder what effect whatever I say will have on my intended audience.
My last manager used to say to me,
“Before you speak, think about how you would feel if you were receiving your own words.”
It’s something I had to embed into my mind like a paradigm from childhood. It’s something I do today without even thinking and I get frustrated as to why other people don’t do the same. I often wonder if it’s because they don’t care or are unaware. I’m not sure. I speak of all sides of the spectrum here. Of course, I myself don’t always conduct myself in a friendly and open manner. There are people that I don’t like, and rather than engage in useless arguments I just stop talking and get on with some work — productivity and family are the key areas in my life. And the key to success. Hashing it out with someone is a waste of time. I always say,
“Why argue with someone that isn’t listening when I can do more productive things with my time?”
And that’s the crux of it. Why waste countless hours of your time being in a negative state when you could drop it and do something productive!
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