“So, how many people have you slept with before me?”
I remember my ex asking me this. It was early during our reconciliation. We were two exes rekindling our connection. The romance started blossoming from the one night stand into a new relationship. Yet, I wasn’t expecting this.
He heard a story about me and someone he knew. He wanted to know if the rumours were true and if I had “added any more numbers to my bedroom total.”
My initial feelings were of shock. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t expect such a question to come from his mouth. Nor did I ever think this was relevant to what we had.
I wrestled with the idea of being completely honest, as I didn’t have anything to be ashamed about. But the other part of me felt violated like he was prying into my past. This was a part of my life that was mine, so why did I need to share it?
My ex-boyfriend’s questions left me pondering for years about this topic. Is it appropriate to ask your new partner about the details of their past? And is it a sign of bad things to come?
Years have passed since this event, over a decade, and I’m still wondering. What would have happened if he never asked?
The Past Left In The Past
For me, there’s only so much of someone’s dating history I want to know. I don’t need the full sexual history of my partner, partly because I don’t want to imagine it. I don’t need to visualise the person I’m interested in sleeping with someone else. It doesn’t conjure the ideas of romance.
But the other part of me doesn’t think it’s that important. Knowing the number of people they have slept with doesn’t affect how or when they sleep with me. Nor is it a direct reflection of them as a person.
Those details are better left in their past, and not brought into our future. Yet, there are some dating details that change a relationship before it even begins. These are things that affect the relationship in the future. In my experience, these are:
Marital history — have they been married before dating me?
Marriage is an enormous commitment. And the subsequent divorce comes with significant ‘baggage’. Not all divorce baggage has to be negative. But there is usually something that remains from the marriage that affects the person more often than not.
The baggage can be so varied, from person to person. It can be commitment issues, for example. Ongoing financial commitment to their ex can also play a part. Parenting responsibilities and the death of a partner can linger with formerly married people.
Friend History — has my new partner dated any of my friends in the past?
This has happened to me, where my new partner had dated one of my friends. I didn’t know it until I introduced him to all my girlfriends. When I witnessed the awkward tension that ensued between him, me and her. I never wanted to be in that position again, where I need to manage a triangle relationship.
Commitment History — how much dating have they done, in summary?
I realized in my mid-twenties, after a couple of serious relationships, I didn’t want to be the first person someone dated.
This is my own hang-up, something not all will agree with. Yet, from having to teach one of my ex’s about thoughts, feelings and how to consider a partner in their life, the experience exhausted me. Never again.
If you want to know, you don’t have the right to judge
You can’t be angry about what someone did in their dating life when they didn’t know you. If they choose to be commitment-free before meeting you, that is something you need to accept. If they choose to experiment with their sexuality before meeting you, that is something you need to accept. Or you need to move on from.
By asking, you’re already accepting of the answer. That is inherently implied by your questioning. If you ask, then hear something you don’t like, you set yourself up for that disappointment. It isn’t the fault of your honest partner. Their honesty deserves rewarding.
Past problems aren’t indicative of future problems
Past relationships aren’t necessarily indicative of future problems or joys. People change from partner to partner. And even from year to year within the same relationship.
If someone has cheated in the past, it doesn’t guarantee they’ll cheat on you, for example. As a reformed cheater, I can attest to that example. I couldn’t imagine cheating on my husband. Yet, with an ex, I didn’t share the same desire.
We need to remember that there are two people in every relationship. The problems someone has with you, they may not have with anyone else. The problems they had with an ex may be exclusive to that person.
Do you have the right to know?
I question whether we have the right to know about our partner’s past. Outside of anything that will impact your relationship with them, we don’t have the ’right’ to probe into our partner’s past.
We may have the desire to ask, sure. We may want to know. But what we want doesn’t equate to our rights. We need to realise is that our partner isn’t in debt to us.
They don’t owe you any explanation of their past dating experience. Their past is their past. You can’t change it. They can’t change it. It is part of who they are.
Would you want your partner asking you?
How would you feel if you were on the other end of the questions? Quite often we ask questions of our partner that we aren’t willing to answer. We’re demanding information from our partner we don’t want them to know about us.
Relationships are about building an equal partnership. We can’t expect our partner to give more than we are. By asking your partner, it’s unrealistic to expect you won’t need to provide the same information.
Is asking your partner considered a bag sign?
I don’t begrudge people asking, but I often wonder what there is to gain from it. When my ex-boyfriend asked me, I felt the immediate uneasiness of judgement. It felt like a police interrogation like he was asking for my case history.
What resulted was a few days of awkwardness between us. I felt like I didn’t want to open up, nor be with him. Everything changed at that moment. It was the elephant in the room.
This isn’t the case for everyone. Yet, it can send alarm bells to your significant when asking. So when you do yourself wanting to know, or considering asking your new partner, it’s important to understand why. Why do you want to know? What will it change for you? What can it change, good or bad, for your relationship?
Probing your partner about their prior love life comes with great risk. Will it be a risk that pays off?
We will have to wait and see.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: Author [Image created in Canva]