The other day, my sweet man and I went to a Jack Johnson concert.
I highly suggest it, by the way. It was really wonderful!
We drove part of the way home afterward, staying in an Airbnb about an hour from home. On the way there, the topic of exes came up, as it often does. It’s usually in a pretty decent context…we try to stay positive. It seems most of the times they come up, it is because we are sorting something out, making an honest inquiry into why things were the way they were…why WE were the way we were with them. Make sense?
He talked about his ex-girlfriend for a minute. I always feel a little uncomfortable when he talks about her. She is a not just a little racy…a lot of the women in his past were that way. What I saw in their relationship was nothing I had ever experienced. It was kinda sizzly…you know what I mean?
I met her in the park by accident one Sunday afternoon. She was dressed in a red dress and they were meeting with a photographer to take pictures of them, together. They were pictures like I’ve never had taken before. They seemed really hot. I don’t have a better word, sadly. I saw them on his piano later in the summer. My mind is still processing them, frankly.
I often ask myself…Is that what he wanted? Or am I what he wanted? Because they are NOT the same thing.
I am a middle-aged homemaker who has lots of extraneous skills. I have nothing to compete with the racy women of his past, especially her. I don’t know how to salsa, don’t have a bunch of friends with connections, nor do I have a history with men that would be impressive. I’ve never done the swinger thing, nor am I bisexual or want to try polyamory. I am quite happy being the rather boring heterosexual that I am, frankly. (Not that I haven’t done a lot of thought experiments about those, more “interesting”, ways of being the world.) I am not a super athlete, nor am I competitive and edgy.
I am super boring. I like gardening, books, birds, trees, my children, performing, and classical music. It’s okay if you laugh a little at my insecurity. I do it a lot, too.
In that moment in the car, my mind raced and raced. Then after a minute or two, it got quiet. I asked him:
“Do you miss her…even just sometimes?”
I am really grateful for his honesty. I knew if he said, “No” he would be lying. He really loved her. He really wanted to and planned on making a life with her and her kids. He and I had been friends throughout their entire relationship. I heard all about it all along the way.
He said the kind words, “I miss the good times we had.”
It makes sense. The question I asked him made me think. If I had had untainted good times with my ex-husband, I would miss them too. But I don’t. He ruined everything because of how he ended things. I miss the places I went to with my ex-boyfriend. They were some of my favorite places. I don’t miss him in them, however.
I miss people all over the world, but I don’t miss the men I have been with, except one. And that one is the only one I could never really be with. He was married. He was also my greatest teacher/mentor.
What do I miss about him?
- I miss all of the hours and hours of self-exploration. I miss his good questions that made me think and sort out all of the “whys” of my life.
- I miss how I felt so empowered by him, how he trusted me to do hard and vulnerable work with him.
- I miss the people he put me in contact with, how they made me feel like “one of them” and accepted and loved me. They were important and brilliant people. And I was just, well, me. They made me want to work really hard and make good things happen in the world. And put me in a position to do so. It was quite a high.
- I miss the places we went together. I miss exploring the little towns of southern Bavaria, walking through the streets of Zurich, sitting on the coast of CA, and walking in the forests of Devon, England. I miss so many places it’s hard not to cry.
I guess I asked a good question that night because it really made me do some hard work on myself. I miss the good times as well.
Do I want him? No.
Am I grateful for the memories, the people’s smiling faces, and the friends on my social media platforms? Yes.
Will life ever be like that again? I don’t think so. I cannot imagine it. But you and I both know that means nothing. I never imagined it in the first place.
Whatever the future reveals is the direction I will go. I am done “making things happen”. That is too exhausting.
I figure over time I will stop missing the moments I had with him. I will detach the memories of those lovely places and people from him and be able to hold them without the grief of loss. I will accept that things are as they should be.
I am getting closer to that every day. Because today is good. It is real. It is sustainable and within my reach. I am loved and supported by a man who is here, able and willing to be part of my life…our lives, rather.
And I’ve never had that before…not ever.
—
This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
Escape the Act Like a Man Box | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men | Why I Don’t Want to Talk About Race | The First Myth of the Patriarchy: The Acorn on the Pillow |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photocredit: Shutterstock