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“Let all beings be as my mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters or children and let me so care for them”. This line is from a Buddhist aspirational prayer. The commitment to treating strangers as members of one’s own family is not unique to the Buddhist tradition. All faiths share the same belief – we are not strangers to one another. And we function best when we care for each other. But how does one actually live that philosophy out in practice? How can a man begin to treat other males as his fathers, brothers or sons? You’ve got to get out of your comfort zone. You’ve got to connect with men who are not your typical “friend material”.
Age
You may or may not have a good range of ages in your circle of friends. If not, take a look around. Are there any friends or relatives with “little men” who may need you as their mentor? Single mums will be grateful. Single dads – even more so. They too need someone to support them on the bumpy road of parenting. All “little men” are desperate for and deserve to have a good role model. Could that be you? Older men will also appreciate your company and any practical help you may be able to offer. They may share their wisdom and fatherly love in return.
Race
No comments seem necessary. Every good man must work on overcoming his racial prejudice. We owe it to each other. Make sure your network of friends is like a colour palette. Working with just one colour isn’t much fun. It limits your creativity. Start your own ‘rainbow nation’ to overcome modern-day apartheid.
Religion
Your own beliefs are kind of irrelevant here. What matters is that you explore the unknown. We tend to demonise things and people that we know nothing about so educate yourself. When, as a non-Muslim, someone makes friends with a Muslim man who is a supportive colleague, a loyal friend, a loving husband, and simply a good guy, one’s view of Islam is transformed. Muslim men and other believers need to network with men from other faiths (or none). This is the only way to understanding, peace and precious new friendships.
Ethnicity
Don’t just always hang out with men who eat the same type of food and wear the same type of clothes as you. Who wants to only have “identical twins” for friends? How does spending time with someone who watches/reads/buys and does exactly the same as you adds anything to your life? Socialise with men whose outfits and cultural practices seem a bit weird. Wait until those foreign traditions begin to make sense to you. When you start to genuinely appreciate, value and enjoy them – you’ve made a break-through.
Social Status (“Class”)
Don’t look down on men who have less. Less education, money, or possessions. Don’t turn away from men who have more. Everyone has a story to tell and a lesson to teach. Allow yourself to be transformed by friendships with men whose upbringing and views are different from your own. Look for what you’ve got in common, for what you share. When you commit to looking for unity, you find unity.
Nationality
Ever struggled to know how to respond to the ‘refugee crisis’ or the illegal migrants ‘threat’? Make sure you’ve got friends who can tell you about that from personal experience. Don’t stay within the narrow circle of old friendships from high school. You may not have had a chance to get to know people from outside of your community back then. If you are ‘the other’ (or seen as such by the dominant culture), try not to seek comfort in the company of men who are in a similar situation. They may be feeling vulnerable and defensive. They may limit your freedom and opportunities to go beyond the “victim mentality”. Seek friendships with men who “belong”, educate them. Fill in the gaps in their knowledge and understanding so they become more open-minded.
Political Beliefs
Don’t divide men into those who think like you and can be your friends and those who disagree with you and aren’t “good enough” to be your mates. Your most precious friendships are those that make you grow. You need men who build your character by challenging you. Not only those who nod and applaud your every word.
Sexuality
Gay or straight, make sure you don’t isolate yourself from the potential friendships with people from the other community. There’s nothing more depressing then gay people who only ever go to gay pubs or gay movies or only ever read gay magazines. It is equally sad when straight men think they are too cool to engage with men of other sexual identities. It’s time to get over the deeply engrained fears and stereotypes.
You may choose to stay with the fixed beliefs about who may or may not become a potential friend. This way of thinking leads to exclusion, misunderstanding, and conflict. Good men look at their biased views and fears and try to go beyond those. “The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for” (Bob Marley). They may be black, atheists, conservatives, transgender or whatever. But they will stand by you and catch you when you fall.
A person who looks, thinks, and talks like you can do a good job supporting the illusions of this being the right way of living. You want to surround yourself with men who are different, unique and special. Who will stretch you and make you into a better version of yourself? How do you achieve that?
Learn from Winnie-the-Pooh. “You can’t stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.” Make a list of friends to see if you’ve got at least one person for each one of the categories above. Any gaps? Start filling them with new friends.
Have you got a good example of an unexpected friendship with a man who is completely different to you? Do share.
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Photo: GettyImages
Great article.
I would like to also add women to the list. From my experience having female friends has been brilliant. Really treasure them.
For sure! We learn most when socializing in a gender-balanced environment. Thank you, JP.
Excellent piece. More men need to expand their social circle beyond their basic one which is usually far too often totally homogeneous in its makeup.
Exactly! We very rarely choose to look beyond what life puts in front of us – which is usually people of the same background and social status. Thank you, Gabe.
Exactly! Otherwise, we only ever make friends with people who are very similar to us. Those sorts of friendships don’t always stretch and challenge us – intellectually, spiritially or otherwise. Thank you, Gabe.
I’m a white male. My wife is Mexican and her brother (Luis) was my best friend growing up. I went to a predominantly black HS. My best man (Jon) at my wedding is black, his wife is white. I’m a devoted Catholic and my friends are Jewish (Alex, Marty and Sam), atheist friend (John) , Protestant (Mark, Chuck, Frank +)Baptist (Bill, Billy, Scott +), Catholic, (Tom, Mark, Phil, +) etc … close Jewish friend (Tom H) friend committed suicide and I was asked to speak at his funeral. My closest pro-lifer friend (Tim)is atheist. I have a muslim friend (Mohan)… Read more »
Tom, reading about your circle of friends is a treat to one’s heart and gives hope to us as a human race. The point you make about us introducing labels will forever remain a difficult question. As teachers, we are meant to talk about equality, tolerance and diversity. We are meant to teach about racism, bullying and homophobia. Hence, you have to use/introduce “labels”, or social categories that do determine who gets what in life. Is not using “labels” in this case more beneficial than teaching about slavery where you cannot avoid talking about the divisions? It’s hard to say….there… Read more »
Thank you Elena. Personally, I hate labels simply because they define someone as being that label. One my my closest friends is black but know him as Bill, who is build like a brick sh*t house yet has little to no interest in sports. Label, Bill is black, Label, amazingly muscular so he must like sports? Labels = misconceptions of people. I’m Catholic so that must mean he hates gays. In reality my late brother (oldest) had a life partner. Hates gays … yet volunteers at an AIDS alliance where he delivers meals to home bound. The labels that can… Read more »
You are totally blessed to have been given an opportunity to meet so many different people. But what’s remarkable, you didn’t walk past those opportunities but stopped to explore and engage. That’s what we all need to do.
Life has obviously blessed you with all sorts of interesting encounters, people and events, Tom. What’s more important – you didn’t walk past those opportunites. You stopped to explore and engage. That’s what we all need to do.
So true … people are amazing, each person brings something different to the table. I may not agree with some of what people believe but accept their differences. I work in a residential treatment center with adolescent boys. The first time we had a client who was Muslim during the time of Ramadan where they fast during the day and are only allowed to eat after sundown. The young man argued with me that it was a set time and had nothing to do with it being dark. So I looked into it and found some interesting information regarding the… Read more »
Tom your comments are always food for thought. Thank you.
Same, same,Tom. I grew up racially diverse. My best friend is a totally different make and model than I. Three of my close friends growing up were black.These are guys that hung out together on a regular basis. Their father’s were like a father to me. I ate at their houses, they at mine. I never cared about their label until other’s stepped in and reminded me to, Ty liked white girls as much as he did black girls, but it was those girls that labeled him, which demonstrates that this is not a “man” issue, but an issue for… Read more »
Re: OT … When I first signed up with Word Press, I had a photo but a while ago, I tried to change the picture and it went to this blob. Oh well. My kids just gave me an Apple lap top or something (I don’t know what these things are called these days) and I’m still adjusting.
Yes, they “assume” and we know what that means.
Have you had a chance to put it down on paper? The story about you visiting to a gay gym? That would make a fantastic read. Really worth sharing.
Yanno, I think you are right. Grown pretty tired of the way we’ve treated and still treat gay guys (nerds, geeks and all the rest too) in this society. I’ve heard the stories, seen the pain, especially from those so damaged by their own families, thrown into the street, even beaten. I understand the complexity of it all, but regardless of all of that I simply cannot bring myself to dislike, discriminate against, or ostracize another human being based upon something such as sexuality, especially when virtually every one I’ve met are good men, gentle beings, good people. I don’t… Read more »