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Love hurts, if we let it. But we can evolve beyond the pain and fear when we learn to let go and say Goodbye.
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Oh the evolution of love. We’re all experiencing it, whether we are aware of its impact in our lives or not.
Right now I’m coming to the end of a significant phase of my evolution. I’d been holding onto past stuff for way too long. Instead of allowing acceptance over romantic affairs that had run their course, I was constantly trying to push my own self-will on the situation and “figure it out.” But to move into my next phase of evolution I’ve realized that I don’t need to figure it out. I need to let it go.
It feels good to finally walk away from that endless cycle of pain. I feel freer, lighter and excited for what is next.
But to move into my next phase of evolution I’ve realized that I don’t need to figure it out. I need to let it go.
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Edward was the last puzzle piece in this long, drawn-out phase of goodbyes. Shortly after I posted “How Love Evolves, and How I’ve Evolved Because of It” last week he and I have been in touch. He accepted my Facebook friend request and I’m glad that he did. Being allowed a peek into his life quickly obliterated my fantasy of running off into a sober sunset together. The fantasy was replaced immediately with deep concern, compassion, and realization that this disease is no joke. Edward is about 40 pounds heavier, not taking care of personal hygiene, has posted pictures of himself in countless bars with bloody scars and images of total inebriation. I hope he finds recovery, but it’s truly time for me to gently, lovingly let my hopes go. That’s the sad part about alcoholism. No matter how much you want the other person to recover, nothing can be done unless the person chooses recovery for themselves. I experience this first-hand with my mother and she is always in my prayers.
So my own evolution continues. What’s next? I have absolutely no idea. I re-opened my online dating profile and within a matter of hours I regretted the decision. Although flattered, emails from men young enough to be my son or old enough to be my father is just not my thing. Also the inappropriate sexual comments always leave me flabbergasted. Are there women who really dig that kind of naughty dialogue from a complete stranger on the internet? Perhaps the old-fashioned diatribe of flirting in real time is better suited for my disposition. Regardless, I have no control over the universe and need to put the focus back on me. Again, not figuring out, just letting go. Continuing to evolve, help others, work on my business and find my own happiness.
A healthy, happy relationship with a lot of freedom to pursue our own interests has always been my personal goal.
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I also feel a shift in my evolution about the need to get married and have a baby. Whether we want to admit it or not, there is socio-economic pressure from every front to get into line and jump into this life path, even if it doesn’t match your beliefs. I love marriage; most of my clients come to me because they’re embarking on the path of wedded bliss. But marriage has never been on my bucket list. A healthy, happy relationship with a lot of freedom to pursue our own interests has always been my personal goal.
Having my own baby would be awesome, but I’m also realizing that I can re-frame my perspective around this. Does the baby need to be mine biologically? Absolutely not. I’ve got my sights on adoption these days, but want to ensure I’m in a place financially where I can truly support this choice. I know there are tons of little kids who desperately need a safe haven and I would be thrilled to provide that warmth, comfort and love.
There also is the never-ending pity party we can all join in on if we’re feeling in the mood. Facebook is good fodder for this activity. “Oh look at them and their five beautiful babies, oh look my ex-boyfriend is getting married, oh look, my colleague is getting all the awards in my industry.” It’s a really destructive sport and I’m reaching a place where I can finally put down “compare and despair”. Well, at least for today.
I think we’ve been playing the game of “hide your feelings” and “make it look pretty” for way too long.
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Since I’ve gotten sober I can’t even begin to tell you how many wives or husbands or acquaintances have shyly asked me, “How did you do it?” It doesn’t shock me that my company past and present seems to struggle with sobriety. Like chooses like, and I definitely surrounded myself with people who liked to party as hard as I did. What breaks my heart is the denial. The wife pretending the hubby doesn’t have a problem. The husband picking up the pieces and working himself to the bone while the wife stays home and drinks.
As Bruce Jenner said in his interview with Diane Sawyer, “We’ve all got stuff”. Isn’t that the truth! I know that there are many who will judge my evolution and my honesty about my own experience. That’s OK with me. Vulnerability and honesty make people extremely uncomfortable in today’s society. I think we’ve been playing the game of “hide your feelings” and “make it look pretty” for way too long. The vibe and habits of the 50’s seem hard to break. But I’m saying good-bye to being afraid of my stuff. Goodbye to hiding my truth. Good-bye to people who don’t wish me well. Good-bye to all the men whose good-bye is long overdue.
And the beautiful part about good-bye? It clears so much gorgeous space; to grow, to learn, to play, to sing and to surround myself with friends and family who love all my perfect imperfections.