The human brain is very good at identifying patterns. It loves nothing better than to draw a line through points A and B and predict point C. The sun has risen every morning since I was born, it will continue to rise until I die. My friend has been there when I need help, he will continue to be there in the future. When I book a hotel with 3 stars I expect a hotel with above average accommodation and amenities. When I practice the piano I get better at this rate, a year from now I should still be improving at the same rate. Except not all patterns are linear, some have diminishing returns. Some patterns are not patterns at all but simply random coincidence. And some patterns have a finite start and end.
I’m not a subscriber to having no expectations, we have expectations for a reason, they provide mental shortcuts which a vast majority of the time we can rely on. For most of us the expectation that a door with hinges visible and a handle opens towards us is reasonable. Yet I am sure some of us have been tripped up by some clever designs where we can’t tell which way the door swings. Our expectations form part of our reasonable belief that a pattern will continue in the future based on our predictions from past behaviors. Except sometimes we get these patterns wrong. Sometimes this is amusing, such as the case of a door that doesn’t swing the way we expect, and sometimes it sucks time, energy, and joy out of our lives.
When it comes to ourselves we can kill our joy with our own expectations. Have a thought to how often you might have said this to yourself “I’m no good at [math/dancing/cooking]”. This is the expectation that because you sucked at something in the past you will suck at it in the future. You deny yourself the possibility that you can do something with training and practice, something that might make you happy and fulfilled. I see this in dancing all the time. Men especially who think they have two left feet but wish they could dance and have the moves with women. It’s rare I have seen anyone who after three months training can’t hold a decent dance on the social scene yet people balk because they expect they will fail.
This expectation that they should be better than they actually are gets in the road of them enjoying their achievements.
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On the other hand you have the perfectionists. Those who are never happy with what they can do. They expect to be a certain level of perfect, something they just aren’t capable of achieving. At least not with their natural talents, training, and effort they have invested up to this point. This expectation that they should be better than they actually are gets in the road of them enjoying their achievements. It’s OK to set an expectation you can reach a certain goal but when that expectation is excessive and unrealistic it will block your sense of achievement.
When it comes to what others expect of us we enter a realm of self-imposed drama. Every expectation another has on us is a request for our time and energy. If you spend too much time and energy meeting everyone else’s expectations you will have no time or energy for yourself. Learn to choose wisely the expectations of others that you meet. Some are necessary to maintain healthy relationships and connections. Spending Christmas with the family, socializing with your girlfriend’s friends or being there for a friend when they are in trouble are examples. These are expectations you should willingly take on because these expectations form part of the negotiated connection you have with other people. Yet you do not have to meet all of those expectations all the time. A friend who always expects you to be there but does not reciprocate has broken the negotiation. A girlfriend who won’t have a beer with your friends is breaking the negotiation. If you suffer the weight of others expectations and feel drained it is time to renegotiate those expectations.
When it comes to those you know less well, colleagues at work, society, or even a stranger’s expectations, take the time to identify whether those expectations are of any benefit to you. If people consider you a doormat it’s because they expect you to do what they ask, every single time. Don’t drop what you are doing just because someone asks; schedule it for a time you aren’t busy and if that isn’t good enough don’t do it. Don’t try and be nice to someone who continually stabs you in the back because people expect you to take the high road. Teach them their expectations are wrong, that if they hurt you then you will defend yourself. Every time you feel put upon this is someone’s expectation you are meeting at the expense of your own needs. Don’t complain about it, do something about it and don’t meet their expectations. Someone who does not value your time and energy as equal to their own will drain your life from you.
The more you meet the unreasonable expectations of others the more you will find you have given too much of yourself.
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Lastly we have the expectations we place on others. These are likely to cause conflict in our lives since this other person didn’t meet our expectations. If you find yourself in conflict examine where these expectations came from. In a relationship did these expectations come from past partners, does the other person even know about these expectations and agree to them. Are your expectations even fair? If your partner doesn’t buy you a rose on Valentine’s Day do you have a right to be annoyed or angry with him for not doing so? That’s your expectation, not his agreement. Do you expect people to meet your standards when they either can’t or don’t want to. Every time you become annoyed or frustrated because your expectations aren’t met you should ask yourself these questions followed by this simple question. Am I undervaluing their time and energy? In most cases you will find the other person has a different value system and something they valued higher than meeting your expectations was where they spent their time and energy. It doesn’t mean they hate you or think you aren’t worth the effort, but it does mean they see the world differently and meeting your expectation was not their highest concern.
As I mentioned, I am not a subscriber to having no expectations, we need expectations as it frees our brain to think of other things. Yet I do not believe we should meet every expectation placed on us nor do I believe all our expectations of ourselves and others are always valid. How happy you are in life largely depends on this gap between reality and expectations. The more unreasonable the expectations you have of yourself or others the more discomforted you will be when they can’t be met. The more you meet the unreasonable expectations of others the more you will find you have given too much of yourself. I always know when my expectations haven’t been met, the discomfort is immediate, but I also know I’m happier when I adjust those expectations to closer match the world around me. Just because something happened in the past does not mean it will happen again in the future. The quicker you identify this reality/expectation gap the happier you will be.
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Photo: Getty Images
*A minstrel was a medieval European bard who performed songs whose lyrics told stories of distant places or of existing or imaginary historical events. Although minstrels created their own tales, often they would memorize and embellish the works of others. The Modern Minstrel observes the world around him and shares it with us as lyrical story. This series was inspired by Luke Davis, whose eye for story and ear for lyrical prose are featured here.
Also by Luke Davis
What A Man Wants In A Marriage | What it Takes to See a Man’s Feelings | Have You Seen a Man’s Heart? | Why Date a Man Who Dances? |
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