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She twirled around in a confection of mint green lace and organza, beaming a cheery smile, and giggling with excitement about the big night about to unfurl before her. She was a tiny vision of perfection from her painted nails and wrist corsage of peach sweetheart roses to the shiny curls in her hair. That night was the father-daughter dance, and she couldn’t wait!
This memorable moment was not without many tears and struggles to make it all happen. She didn’t get to go to the dance last year because her dad refused to go. It was his night with her; but, the idea of a banquet hall full of dozens of little girls bouncing and giggling to the sounds of pop music and having to put on a tie for two hours was “not his idea of a good time.” She was crushed, but she quietly accepted his decision.
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This year when the flyer came home from school, she hid it from him. She so badly wanted to go! All of her friends were talking about pretty dresses, punch, and being treated like a princess by their daddies, and it reduced her to tears to be rejected by the number one man in her life.
I noticed that she was extra quiet and down about something, so I asked what was going on. Through sobs, she disclosed to me that it was time for the father-daughter dance again and she knew it wasn’t even worth asking her dad because he would probably say no again. My heart shattered for her, then I simmered with anger, not being able to understand why a girl’s own father would deny her just two hours of feeling special!
As a parent, there are many things that aren’t my idea of a good time; but, I have spent countless hours playing with toy tractors, talking about Minecraft, or watching cartoons that lowered my IQ by several points. I did these things because my children wanted to spend time with me, and it was a way to connect. They won’t always choose me as their favorite companion, so I will take every precious moment I can get!
Why couldn’t he just put on a damn shirt and tie and paste on a smile for an evening?
Didn’t he know that his role in his daughter’s life will set the tone for every other relationship she has with a man for the rest of her life?
Didn’t he know that if a daddy makes his daughter feel valuable that this will impact her opinion of herself and teach her to seek partners who will also treat her as someone special?
This year, the dance fell over my time with the kids; but, as soon as she told me about the dance and how badly she wanted to go, I contacted him and told him I would make her available for the evening if he would take her. Even knowing how much it meant to her, he again refused.
It wouldn’t be fun. That’s not his “kind of thing.”
My husband, her stepdad, readily agreed that he would take her. She was appreciative of his offer, but it was evident that she still had an arrow in her heart from her dad’s rejection.
In the meantime, his parents started working on him, prompting him to take her, and he finally succumbed to everyone’s pressure. Her grandmother took her shopping for her lovely dress and helped her style her hair. Her excitement beamed through their photos at the dance. He was clearly less than thrilled, but at least she was there!
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Not long ago, a co-worker of mine shared that her granddaughter desperately wanted to go to a father-daughter dance, but her dad refused to go for similar reasons as my ex.
I am, therefore prompted to plead to all dads out there who will listen: please, please take your daughters to the dance!
If there is no father-daughter dance at your girl’s school or in your community, then take other opportunities to demonstrate to her how a real man treats a lady. Hold the door for her, make eye contact with her and listen to her. Encourage her dreams. Let her know that you believe in her and that she is deserving of your time and attention!
If you don’t do it, who will?
She may be fortunate enough to have a caring grandfather, uncle, stepdad, or another loving man in her life who can teach her what she’s worth. We can hope that all these men can help reinforce the message by the way they treat her, as well; however, if she has a dad, he should be the captain of this mission, and should surely want to have the pleasure of sharing these memories with her!
I think that the father-daughter relationship is especially important when a divorce has occurred. For many little girls who grow up without their parents both living under the same roof, there may be few opportunities for her to have relationship skills modeled to her. She may have never seen someone pull out mom’s chair before, buy her a present, or tell her she’s loved.
If a dad is not living with his children full time, he needs to seize every chance that he can to set the bar high for other men who will enter his daughter’s life. This all starts with every interaction, big and small, that happens and the way he treats her and other women. If a girl sees her primary male figure mistreat women, ignore them, disrespect them, or in other ways treat them poorly or with indifference, she will accept this treatment for herself!
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This is not about creating little divas who grow up to become women who expect the world handed over on a silver platter. This is about the building blocks of self-esteem and relationships that are laid in place starting in early childhood by parents. If we want children to believe in themselves and strive for the best, we have to show them that they’re capable and we believe in them. If we want them to have quality, loving relationships and not just accept whoever will have them, we need to light the path by modeling the right way!
Putting on a tie and dancing in a crowd of giddy pre-teens might not rank high on one’s list of chosen activities for an evening, but it is a temporary investment of time that she will reflect upon for years to come. Sometimes parents don’t do things with or for their children so much because they want to do them, but because it’s the right thing to do, and the lessons learned are priceless. That’s what differentiates parents from children.
So, again, I encourage dads to take your daughter to the dance!
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