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“I just like the company of beautiful women. I have a weakness in that department.” — Eric Clapton, from an interview with Rolling Stone, 1991
“Am I perfect? Hardly. When I was little, I sometimes saw my dad turn his head to admire a beautiful woman as we drove by. Once in a while I catch myself doing the same thing. Maybe my son sees me. I’m striving to be a better man, too. It starts with self-awareness.” — Danilo Alfaro, “Men: Misogyny is About Your Sons, Not Your Wives and Daughters.” Good Men Project, Oct. 12, 2016; originally published on the Huffington Post, Oct. 9.
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The revelations about Donald Trump have led to a much-needed discussion in our society about how women are treated by men. And there really can be no excuse for groping nor even for the kind of “locker room talk” that Trump engaged in on that now famous tape. But I think some men have taken this noble desire not to offend to an extreme, so that to some, even looking at an attractive woman is a bad thing. Surely that is the implication of those words I’ve quoted from Danilo Alfaro’s recent piece. When you “catch” yourself doing something, there is the clear implication that this is not something you should be doing – especially, as Alfaro specifies, in the company of your young son.
As the father of three grown sons and the grandfather of four boys, I have a lot of trouble with this. I totally agree that my sons should have gotten—and hopefully did get—the message that women should always be treated respectfully, and I assume that my grandsons are getting the same message from them. But when Alfaro writes “When I was little, I sometimes saw my dad turn his head to admire a beautiful woman as we drove by,” as if this were a bad thing, my immediate feeling is that the only bad thing about it is that when you turn your head while you’re driving, you could have an accident.
Just think about the word “beautiful.” The dictionary definition is “pleasing the mind or senses aesthetically.” And if something is pleasing to the mind or senses aesthetically, we are drawn to experience it – typically either by looking (mountains, art, and, yes, human beings) or listening to it (music). To not do so requires a very special effort.
And let’s consider a word that we often use interchangeably with “beautiful” or “pretty” when applied to a woman: attractive. Is it sexist to say that a woman is attractive? (And don’t forget, men can be attractive too.) Let’s look up the dictionary definition of that word: “appealing to look at; sexually alluring.” Put more simply, “attractive” means capable of attracting.
Do women-–and men—not want to be attractive?
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Here’s an experience I had many years ago that showed me how being noticed by women was important to me, even though I hadn’t noticed they were looking until suddenly one day they weren’t.
I wasn’t the world’s greatest looking teen and had the misfortune of having an extremely good-looking younger brother. On top of this, he was close to six feet tall and I was more like 5’9”. It is a simple, well-researched fact that, all other things being equal, women are attracted to taller men. Sorry, guys, but we know it’s true.
As I got into my twenties, I started looking better. In my late 20s I grew a beard, which my wife liked a lot. But even with a beard, I never noticed that women other than my wife were looking at me. The beard didn’t hurt, I felt, but it didn’t seem to be a game-changer.
Then one day, at age 40, caught in the throes of a midlife crisis, I decided to shave my beard off. I let my wife know, and she was not happy about my decision. But I did it. I knew I could start growing it back immediately, so it was no big deal.
When my wife got home from work and saw me, she got very upset. One of my two young sons started to cry. Daddy just didn’t look like Daddy anymore.
This itself would have been enough to get me let it grow back immediately, but what happened outside the house was the clincher. As I walked down the street, beardless, I noticed that women were not looking at me. I had never noticed that they were looking, but I sure noticed when they weren’t. My beard had clearly made me more attractive to women, and that was just one more reason to grow it back.
Would a woman have turned her head to look at me as she drove? I don’t know, but that would have been fine with me as long as she didn’t have an accident. And if she did look at me or any other man, with her young daughter sitting in the car with her, would this have been bad role modeling?
I’m not comparing the glances I got (and still get, I hope) from women with the kind of attention beautiful women get from men. But for heterosexual men to purposely avoid looking goes against the very thing that has kept us propagating. Looking at women is not touching and it’s not catcalling. It’s not even gawking or staring. It is just a natural part of being a heterosexual male.
There is a dialectic about male-female interactions which involves an interplay between our basic biological and sexual selves and the kinds of caring and respectful people we want to be. In being a role model for our sons, I think fathers do them a disservice when they pretend not even to notice attractive women. It almost borders on dishonesty, which is certainly not something we’d want to model for our sons or daughters.
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Photo credit: Pixabay
Mark Growing up, I can not remember that any of my parents looked at others the way you describe here. But my mother talked a lot about how other people looked. As a child I was sent out to do the shopping in the shop she called ” the shop belonging to the pretty good looking couple.” It never bothered me as a child. Every person from her doctor,dentist,shop assistant , police ,teacher …… got compliments from her if they was good looking. And yes,that mean sexually attractive. But now as an adult I hate how she always make comments… Read more »
I can remember the times I noticed my dad noticing another woman or how he acted with a pretty waitress. It was heartbreaking as a young girl. I didn’t respect him in those moments and it did change my perception of him. It was frustrating to see your own dad engaging in those behaviors and it felt disrespectful to my mom and by extension to me. I think parents need to have talks with kids about sex and how to treat each other, but noticing other people when you are with your kid, or even flirting with them, seems disrespectful… Read more »
We talk about unattainable standards of beauty and how they are harmful. When does a standard of behavior become so unattainable for a human being that it becomes harmful?
Standards of human behavior change with the times. Men use to say, “I only look at porn once in awhile” and they meant it. That is not a statement a lot of guys make anymore. Porn was once an occasional thing, now men are on a daily diet of it. A lot of men today feel like they can’t even live without porn. Standards are changeable.
What a wicked web we’ve women, yes? What constitutes a “leer?” What is objectifying and not admiring beauty? Years ago while traveling back when I had money and worked in the corporate world, I was at an airport and noticed this amazingly beautiful Latin women but more importantly, I noticed what she was wearing. She was wearing a full-length mink coat over jeans that were tucked into high heel boots and a cowl neck sweater. Oh yeah, I was intently looking at her and taking in everything she was wearing. My wife is Mexican and had a similar look as… Read more »
No. Pretending not to notice just teaches that suppression of male sexuality is the answer and lets be honest this is only a question because we’re talking about male sexuality (I highly doubt anyone here would seriously ask if women should pretend not to notice attractive men).
If anything noticing attractive women could be an opportunity for a father and son to talk about sex and attraction. Make a conversation out of it instead of continuing to demonize male sexuality.
We like pretty things! Not apologizing for that. But, when does a glance become a leer? Two or three seconds maybe? When I get caught, and I do, I just smile. But I’m lucky to be in customer service.
But, when does a glance become a leer? Two or three seconds maybe? A good question Lisa. The problem is in all the talk of “don’t ogle women” “don’t stare at them” “don’t objectify women” the one thing that seems to always get left out is defining what’s acceptable and unacceptable. I’ve participating in past posts here on this topic and when a guy asked a question like “how long is too long” he would either be ignored or accused ot trying to derail the conversation. As a result the difference between a glance and a leer becomes a nebulous… Read more »
That’s a shame, because I’m old and old school and enjoy being appreciated by both sides! Checking someone out was part of the “courting” process when I was younger.
A shame indeed. Part of the issue I think is that instead of having conversation people on all sides are trying to exert their might by holding others to a standard of conduct they are not willing to hold themselves to.
That’s why there are so many articles that tell men not to leer but won’t define leer. Because if its defined people can actually talk about it and work through it and that’s not what people want. They want something that is always there so they can always have something to complain about.