During my middle school years popularity was something I wanted more than anything. I dreaded going to school everyday because I was made fun of by everyone. I was constantly told I should “Kill myself” and one night in the middle of winter in seventh grade I nearly did.
During my middle school years popularity was something I wanted more than anything. I dreaded going to school everyday because I was made fun of by everyone. I was constantly told I should “Kill myself” and one night in the middle of winter in seventh grade I nearly did.
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I didn’t realize that popularity isn’t everything, and many times it doesn’t surmount to anything. At that age it was difficult for me to pull myself outside of the immediacy of my time to realize that I was still a good person however, I just wasn’t good at socializing. Many people mistook my social awkwardness. Popular culture constantly plays on our desire to be accepted. And advertisers promote their products as something that will gain us the popularity that we are told that we should all want. It’s constantly reiterated in music, television, product labels, and anything that can make money. A desire for acceptance can motivate people to do things that make them feel more popular and to have a negative disposition towards those who are less popular. The misperception that popularity and goodness are one in the same was a huge problem for me growing up.
In preceding years I sought to do whatever I felt was the popular thing to do thinking that would make me friends. Part of this was having trauma from my middle school years but another part was feeling that popularity was a good thing, which isn’t always the case. My self-esteem during these earlier years was mostly based on the number of friends I had. I felt if I was popular than I must be a good person and if I was unpopular than I must be a bad person. At earlier ages and even now popularity is many times independent from character. Sometimes the most unpopular decisions are the right ones to make. Other times the popular decision is in fact the right one.
Many times the popular thing to do is completely wrong but at that age it was difficult for me to see. I felt that if all these popular people felt a need to pick on me, then there must be something wrong with me. I felt if they were popular, then their words must be true and mine must be false. If they all agreed and I disagreed then the group must be right, which many times isn’t true. At the time, the popular thing to do at my middle school was to pick on me. I now see that what they did showed a tremendous lack of character. It was insecurity personified.
The majority of people I went to middle school with were completely wrong about my value as a human being.
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History has shown there have been a number of times where the majority believed in one thing and someone else believed in another and that one individual proved the rest of the group wrong. Galileo is point in case. For me I had to learn that the majority of people I went to middle school with were completely wrong about my value as a human being. I had to learn that I am a good person and I am worth while and that I needed to just become better at expressing my thoughts. I had always been a smart kid but I struggled with social interaction from a cognitive impairment. I needed to realize the only reason I was made fun of was my inability to express thoughts. The thoughts were usually spot on but I had too much social anxiety. While talking many times I lost my train of thought due to anxiety. People judged me by my inability to articulate instead of my ability to think and make decisions. I graduated with a 3.66 with very little studying so my brain functioned very well. The point is that sometimes articulate people, like the bullies I grew up with, are outspoken and undereducated and other times there are people who are very smart but just aren’t able to stand up for themselves and/or express their thoughts. When people are given a chance to express their thoughts there can be a lot to learn.
Many very good people have a difficult time with social interactions and there are also a number of bad people who thrive in social situations. Con artists for example are able to talk a pretty good game however, we all know they don’t have good intentions. They’re so good at talking that they can make a living by deceiving people with their social skills. Other times there are people who are good and are also very articulate. I used to judge people by their social abilities but that a good measure of the quality of a human being. The decisions they make regarding other peoples’ well being determines the mettle of the person. Many people fall short of their social goals whether that is to be funny, smart, or witty. It’s important to realize that the intent is what counts and not necessarily the words that are spoken. After two episodes of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder I struggled with socializing and I used to get frustrated with people because I didn’t know why they socialize differently than I do. I eventually learned that everyone has a different way of doing things including expressing their thoughts. Knowing the intent behind their words helps me to understand what they were truly saying and not necessarily the literal message that was spoken.
I have learned that if I value myself enough to say something in my defense, it means I believe I am deserving of better treatment, which usually brings more respect from other people.
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Growing up is difficult for everyone. The other kids ganged up on me because they also had problems that couldn’t resolve. I was just an easy target for them to vent. The thing I learned in later years was that the more I stand up for myself the more others have respected me and wanted to be friends with me. If I value myself enough to say something in my defense, it means I believe I am deserving of better treatment, which in turn usually results in more respect from other people. At the outset it just takes a little courage. I used to think I wanted to be friends with the people who were picking on me so this made me unwilling to hurt their feelings. However, I later realized if someone is maliciously picking on me they’re not worth my while and there are plenty of people who will treat me well and not force me to deal with disparagement.
Photo by MC Quinn