Five Stages of Grief

The stages of grief aren’t as linear as we’ve thought. Elizabeth Kubler Ross researched grief and developed the Kubler-Ross Model of the five stages, which she described in her book, “On Death And Dying.” The stages were originally meant to describe what people go through faced with their own death. Currently, through the work of David Kessler writing with Kubler-Ross, the stages are applied to those grieving loved ones as well.

I went right back to work after my Mother died.

I am a psychotherapist, and somehow, continuing to help others helped me. But for months, I pictured every one I spoke with in their caskets. The reality that we all would die was never so clear to me as then.

The stages are, denial, anger, bargaining, depression (grief), and acceptance. In the book “On Grief and Grieving,” Kubler-Ross and Kessler go deeper into feelings people experience while grieving, and when and how they may occur.

They (stages of grief) were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss.

~David Kessler

My immediate reaction to my Mother’s death was acceptance.

Not because we expected it. We didn’t. But because she had lived her last two weeks, before she died in a one car crash, as if they were her last. As if she knew. And we had become much closer in those two weeks. I talk about it here.

During the fifteen years since, I still occasionally feel sad and get angry. I especially get angry. Angry at her for leaving too soon. Angry at the Universe for taking her. Angry that she wasn’t around to watch her grandson become a good man. Eventually, the anger returns to acceptance, helped by my being able to feel her presence often. Plus, I’ve forgiven her.

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My first reaction to my foster son’s murder was intense denial.

The stages didn’t happen linearly for me after either death. There is no acceptance yet for Larry. His murder was senseless, and as much as I want to be angry with him for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, I can’t. We may never know what happened, although I trust that the detective is doing his best. I am prepared for the anger to be full blown when they catch his killers.

But acceptance must come eventually. Possibly even forgiveness.

Or not.

Not everyone goes through all of them, or in a prescribed order. Our hope is that with these stages comes the knowledge of grief’s terrain, making us better equipped to cope with life and loss. At times, people in grief will often report more stages. Just remember, your grief is as unique as you are.

~David Kessler

Kessler has written a book which I haven’t read, but will. “Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief,” was written after his son died. I hope it helps with this most recent loss. I will order it for my son, Blake, as well.

My son lived in fear of Larry dying. Partly because Blake grew up away from his brother and two sisters, as Larry grew up away from his sister, and with little contact with his brother. They were boys who became brothers. And they feared losing one another.

But also because Larry seemed to live under a dark cloud. A hurricane Katrina survivor, Larry had beaten death. But his background included a father who was a terrible influence. I did everything I could to keep him away from Larry while he lived with us. He didn’t see his mother during the years he lived with us, either. She had relocated back to New Orleans. And, when my son and I moved to Austin, he was around his father’s influence again. We worried.

While looking for someone to blame, I can’t fully lay that at Larry’s father’s door. Larry stopped speaking to him two years ago. Presumably his influence diminished. Larry finally appeared happy. The bright smile that lit up rooms, but was so rare when he was growing up, showed up more frequently. He seemed more stable.

In my current stage of grief, a mixture of anger and depression-like sadness, I don’t see how we will find meaning. But I’m willing to look for it. I hope Kessler’s book helps.

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This post was previously published on Medium and is republished here with permission from the author.
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