My first child was born in April and my journey to fatherhood has been amazing. During my wife’s pregnancy, I spent a lot of time thinking about what it means to be a Dad. What does it mean for my wife? What does it mean for my child? What does it mean for me?
Even though my journey has just started, below are a five tips that have guided me so far:
- Listen to all of Mom.
Being a good Dad starts with being a good husband. My wife is a pediatric resident. She works 60-80 hours a week. She did so until two days before our daughter was born. Making sure she had the support she needed to tackle two difficult journeys at the same time was the first step towards me being a good Dad.
Everything that happens to Mom happens to the baby. If Mom is stressed, hungry, tired, upset, then all of that is happening to the baby at the same time. So, being a good Dad means making sure Mom is relaxed, fed, and taken care of.
Mom won’t always tell you what she needs. She is busy working and creating a new life. So becoming a good Dad means listening to all the aspects of Mom.
Sometimes your partner may ask you to do something. Other times you have to pay attention to physical and emotional cues.
This will look different for everyone.
For me, this meant doing all the household chores. It meant finding special ways like foot massages or spa days to help her relax. It meant helping her keep track of things like making sure she took her prenatal vitamins at the same time every day.
Being a good husband is a table stakes to being a good Dad. Make sure pregnancy is as smooth, relaxed, and supportive as possible by listening and looking for what Mom needs.
Bonus tip: Write loving letters to Mom appreciating what she is doing and leave them hidden in places she can find them. You never know when Mom will need a pick-me-up and these little surprises are greatly appreciated.
- Get competent.
Like I mentioned before, my wife is a pediatric resident. Our closest friends and her mentors are all in pediatrics. If I didn’t learn anything about raising a baby and red flags to make sure my daughter is healthy, I could get away with it. I could rely on my wife’s expertise.
That would be wrong.
Being a good Dad requires doing the work myself to understand what is happening throughout this entire process. What is going on in Mom’s body during pregnancy? What are cues that a baby is healthy or unhealthy in the first two weeks, first month, etc?
Dads need to know this information and not rely solely on Mom or your pediatrician to care for your baby.
How can you do this? Take partner support classes. Read books like What to Expect When You’re Expecting and Baby 411. Go to as many doctor’s appointments with Mom as possible and be in the room when your baby is born. Learn baby CPR so that you can keep your baby safe when no one else is around.
There are so many tools you can use to get smart about how to take care of Mom and baby—use them.
Being a good Dad means being an active participant and learning the skills to take care of Mom and your baby through pregnancy, delivery, and child rearing. Get on it!
- Mental health. I’ve heard, perhaps too often, people tell me, “My parents screwed me up.” It happens. Parents, intentionally or unintentionally, take their trauma, fears, insecurities, etc and project them onto their children.It doesn’t have to be this way.In the weeks after my daughter was born, my wife and I had many conversations about past traumas in our lives and how they were still showing up for us today.During these talks, I was able to identify that I have survivor’s guilt, imposter syndrome, issues with my body, and so many more insecurities.What did I do? I set an appointment with a therapist.Instead of relying on my wife or my child to handle the burdens in my mind, I need to get the right kind of support. For me that is a therapist. For you that might be a psychiatrist or a spiritual leader.This kind of help will look different for everyone as we embark on our journey to sorting out our past so it doesn’t repeat in our children’s future. The important thing is that we seek help.
- Physical Fitness. In the first few weeks of my daughter’s birth, I found my back was getting numb in various spots and sometimes even felt like it was burning. I talked to my doctor and he said it was a combination of two things—stress and repetitive motion.Not only was I holding immense tension in my back, but I was constantly hunched over changing my daughter’s diaper, feeding her, bathing her, etc.I’ve since returned to normal, and a big part of that was making sure I was getting physically healthier.You don’t need to be an olympic-level athlete, but you make sure to stretch, be physically active, eat right, and get enough sleep.I can’t stress that last part enough—get sleep whenever you can. Your body needs to be alert and healthy. If you’re not getting enough sleep, it will catch up with you.Not only is this important for keeping you on-top-of-things, but it is critical for making sure that your wife can recover from the immense trauma of giving birth and your child has two parents they can depend on.
- Have fun! This might sound obvious, but make sure you’re having fun. So far, a lot of raising my daughter has been repetitive. Feed, diaper change, sleep and repeat. This cycle can be exhausting, so how do you find the fun in it? I turned everything into a game.During feeds my daughter and I are doing karaoke. Diaper changes are a chance for her to level-up with the size and intricacy of her movements. One time she began to pee while I was changing her, so I lifted her up to change the chuck pad beneath and she pooped midair. Level-up!Finding the joys in the seemingly endless cycle of eating, sleeping, and diaper changes is so important. How each of you find the joy in this will be different, but I promise it’ll make everything so much better.
I’ve only got five lessons so far and I’m sure I have plenty more to learn. After all, my daughter is only 2-months old. This entire process is a journey and I’m glad to be on it. I’m glad to be on it with you.
Have any other good tips? Email me at [email protected]!
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This post is republished on Medium.
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