When I was growing up my friend Chris had a way of getting porn. It was a big deal pre-internet when you’re 12 years old and it was dealt like a super-secret black-market trade amongst the hallway lockers. He never let on to where he kept finding the stuff. That is until we were at his house playing Blades of Steel on Nintendo and his brother went downstairs to get something to eat.
Chris’s brother was deaf and older. We called him Poison Ivy, which he did not like and would occasionally take it out on Chris’s arm in a flurry of punches, pinning him helplessly to the bed. He would put his fist up like he was going to hit me too, making me flinch, and then he’d just smile and walk out. As he left his room to go downstairs that day, Chris jumped up and peered through the door. “His hearing aid isn’t in”, he said and motioned me to come with him.
I wasn’t sure at first what we were doing, but by the way he was sneaking down the hall, I realized we were about to break into Poison Ivy’s room. I was supposed to be the lookout at the top of a winding staircase that had 2 different landings. Chris slid his way into his brother’s room while I nervously stared at the staircase.
I could hear Chris rummaging around noisily in the bedroom and could hear his brother doing the same in the kitchen. My heart was in my mouth and I could barely breathe. I didn’t want to get hit by a large teenager who for years had to defend himself from those who thought his disability was fun for the butt of a joke.
I got nervous and yelled “Chris hurry up!” and he came flying out of this brother’s room. By the time we got back to our Nintendo game, Poison Ivy had just reached the top of the stairs. Chris waited until his brother shut the door.
“Come on”, he said, “We have to go unload the haul.” We raced out of the house giving his mom a vague excuse at the door.
We sprinted up into the woods where there was a clearing near some trees. Just beyond it was a little trench that we jumped down into. There was the treasure chest.
It was an old milk crate with a homemade cardboard cover stashed in a hole dug into the side and camouflaged by a few branches. It was full of different pornographic magazines and a few VHS tapes. Chris reached into his sweatshirt and pulled a few Hustler magazines out and added to the collection. He rifled through and showed me some of the best ones. I had never seen anything like them in my life.
I had no clue what I was even looking at really. There were parts that didn’t make much sense to me and other parts that I couldn’t imagine anyone getting a kick out of. But my eyes were glued to the pages. Chris told me that I was the only other person who knew about the stash and that I should never tell anyone because he’d know it was me. His black-market porn business was growing and he needed a foot soldier.
I started helping out. He’d agree to deal a few pictures for football or baseball cards that we would meticulously cut out with a razor or sometimes a whole magazine for a VHS. He had the final say to what would get traded and I would occasionally have to be the one to hand-deliver or pick up. For payment after a few weeks of work, I received the Playboy that had Pamela Anderson as the centerfold. Eddie Murphy was also interviewed in that same issue and for the longest time, I thought this meant he loved porn. I never bothered to read a word anyway.
After a while, I wanted to add to the collection in some way. Since I was the foot soldier, I did the best thing I could think of. I stole my dad’s boot knife and brought it there.
We hid it in another spot in the same trench. This was meant for protection in case we needed it. A few days later I returned home and my parents were standing in the kitchen together looking awfully upset. Apparently, some younger girls in the neighborhood kept seeing us run back there and they went to investigate. They turned us over and all our stuff was confiscated. My dad was pretty upset about that boot knife. I didn’t tell him we were in business.
I always wondered why I stole that boot knife. What the hell was I going to do with it? Stab someone?
I kept thinking that the reason we got busted is that I stole that boot knife. My fear of someone breaking into Fort Porn and trying to capture the flag is what ultimately led to our demise. I also find the coincidence of playing Blades of Steel at the time that I became entangled kind of funny. Either way, my idea of protection sucks but my few weeks as a porn dealer will always be remembered.
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