Ever met someone who knocked you off your feet—From the moment you meet, you’re hooked? It’s a dream come true. You can’t believe what fun they are, so you date, your social life kicking up several notches.
Every time you’re out together, he attracts attention. A great conversationalist, he’s the life of the party, always something exciting going on. You share the same interests. Laugh at each other’s jokes; he even likes your crazy hobbies. Charming, your new squeeze makes a great impression—your friends and family love him, remarking on what a catch he is. You feel like you’ve won the lottery. After years of ‘kissing toads,’ you’ve met your soulmate.
After a reasonable time, you take your relationship to the next stage, perhaps getting married. But the reality of day-to-day living together takes a toll, the veneer of perfection wearing a little thinner each day. Something not so pretty begins to show.
You can’t put your finger on it, but something’s off. Like that sudden argument you got into about where to display his prized collection of sports trophies. Or how big the new T.V. should be, or that he had a fit when you didn’t close the shower curtain all the way and water puddled on the floor. In those early days, you wrote off his outbursts as mere differences of opinion.
. . .
Our relationship began that way.
Between bouts of normalcy, his anger erupted without warning, fracturing the peace between us. Whether we were talking about where to place a potted plant, where to eat dinner, how to do the laundry or which weekend chores should take priority, the blow-ups arrived out of left field over minor incidents. Though each time I tried to view the events from his perspective, nothing fit.
Once, we were in the car to our destination, 100 miles away, and very late. When I mentioned it wasn’t cool to be so late to a birthday celebration, he used work as his excuse. Since we’d planned this event a month before, with a complete game plan already in place, his actions appeared self-centered.
By now I knew enough from past upsets to know if I let my emotions show, it would escalate into an argument. My voice calm, I chose my words with care, reminding him he’d known about the event for weeks, that we faced a two-hour drive, so he knew what time we needed to leave. He’d kept me waiting—for well over an hour.
Instead of owning his actions, he interrupted me. When I objected, he launched a full-blown tantrum that went something like this: “We’re having a discussion here. We take turns. If you can’t be civil, I’m going home. You can go by yourself.”
His outburst derailing my objection, he dodged the issue. Stunned, I sat in the passenger seat for several miles before speaking again. When I did, it took all my strength to ignore his previous outburst.
With a neutral tone of voice, I chose my words carefully, reminding him that if he skipped my father’s birthday celebration at the last minute like this, I’d explain what happened, and he’d look like a jerk. Besides, it took little to make oldsters happy; just showing up would mean everything to them.
Though we made that trip without further incident, I took note. His actions struck me as more than mere self-centeredness.
. . .
The First Warning Sign.
Certain he’d had a bad day at work and needed to blow off steam, I always assumed the best. After each blow-up, I’d inquire what was wrong; was anything I could do to help? Instead of answering, he’d just look at me, saying nothing.
Emotional abusers use blow-ups to control you. No matter whether the abuser is male or female, your boss, or a family member, it’s a common scenario, one that took place often during our early years together. The takeaway here is that with emotional abuse, tantrums will occur out of proportion to the incident.
While using compassion, the advice I received from one well-meaning therapist, kept me from escalating the problem further, as advice went, it didn’t help. For longer than I care to remember, I focused on his suffering, not mine.
Watch out for the Blame Game.
Another scenario is the Blame Game. Whenever you attempt to address their behavior with them, they’ll turn it around on you.
After yet another outburst, once he’d cooled down, again I asked what was wrong, this time remarking that his reaction seemed out of scale to the incident. He reacted by claiming his anger was because of how I’d spoken to him. Yet when I asked for specifics, he couldn’t provide any.
Regardless of how well-modulated my tone of voice was, or how careful my words were, the result was the same. Instead of addressing his role in the problem, he’d resort to blame.
Blaming is a key piece to the abusive behavior puzzle. No matter how hard you try, they won’t ever take responsibility for their actions. It’s always someone else’s fault and they’ll refuse to acknowledge their contribution.
When reality doesn’t conform to their preferred version of events, unwilling to be held accountable, they’ll cast blame everywhere elset—you, their boss, their parents, the government, bad luck, the changing economy—anything to avoid taking responsibility. They’re the first to cry ‘victim.’
Then there’s Gaslighting…
At first, you thought you were imagining it. You make plans to meet somewhere at 4:00pm, but they insist you said 5:00pm. Or you ask a question, and they act like they didn’t hear you, instead making an unrelated comment. Maybe they’ve promised to help you with a project, but nothing happens, and weeks go by. When you bring it up, they’ll insist you imagined it.
They’ll often deny they ever made any such agreement—Certain that they did, their denial will leave you angry and confused…Were you mistaken?
Like their other behaviors, it’ll happen when you least expect it, leaving you uneasy. You begin doubting your perceptions, which is what an abuser wants. If you’re empathetic, or a team player, you’ll worry it’s you, so you’ll work double-time for buy-in on everything you do with them. For a while, this will seem to work. Then another behavior emerges.
Welcome to ‘Opposite-land.’
If you thought the tantrums, the blame game, and the gaslighting were fun, there’s more! It goes something like this:
If you work long hours, he’ll tell you to work less. I wanted to make a better living and worked crazy-long hours. During this time, he’d invite me to go play, difficult to resist because I very much needed a break. It seemed a blessing that I had a partner who kept me from being a workaholic. When my parents passed and I became the executor of their estate, the additional responsibilities interfered with my work. Instead of offering assistance, he instead asked when I’d planned to get another job, insinuating I wasn’t doing enough. Yet I consistently met my obligations, financial and otherwise, on time, every month.
In Opposite-land, when you ask them to lock the door at night, they’ll ‘forget.’ If you want the dishes to be cleaned using the dishwasher, they’ll insist on handwashing them. Should they ask you where you’d like to eat lunch, when you tell them, they’ll suggest something different. Want a fence around your yard? They’ll devise ways to prevent it from being installed, again and again.
They learn what’s important to you and then do the opposite. No matter what it is.
. . .
The rollercoaster ride will exact a toll.
By the time you realize all your giving, empathy and understanding won’t ever be enough, and never reciprocated, your sunk costs are enormous. Because you never know what to expect, you’ll walk on eggshells. By now, you’ve gotten used to being put down, criticized, and second-guessed every step of the way; it’s your new normal.
Then he’ll help out, take out the trash and remember your agreements. You relax; maybe you’ve gotten through, or he’s in a better place, like things are improving.
Called ‘Hoovering,’ it’s a technique used to reel you back in and set you up for another fall. Because whammo—in will come to another assault: nit-picking, gaslighting, shaming, or another visit to Opposite-land—take your pick.
Injected into daily interactions when you least expect it, it’s calculated to keep you off balance. You know if you address their behavior head-on, they’ll tell you have selective memory, so you’ll internalize your discontent and shut up.
Worse, your public relationship will differ from your private one, so no one can understand—not your friends, your family, or co-workers. Without any external support, this roller coaster treatment will leave you confused and exhausted. Depression will take permanent residence in your heart.
. . .
What can you do?
If any of the behaviors described in this article apply to your situation, please get professional help. The consequences to your well-being and sense of self-worth can be devastating. Under the constant influence of a Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde dual personality, confusion and frustration will dominate your life. Under its effect long enough, you could develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and serious illnesses, like auto-immune disorders.
Since it can often be a problem with communication or conflict resolution skills, true emotional abuse is difficult to spot; you might not get the help you need. In my experience, the wrong advice will not only worsen your situation, but prolong it.
Do your homework. Arm yourself with information, read everything you can, surround yourself with people who you trust and interview several professionals before selecting one. If your gut tells you to move on, do so.
Only you know how bad it is, so please take action to protect yourself. Now.
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