Jennifer Companik wonders what drives a man to lend a lady his coat on a chilly day.
As a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding this month, I spent an hour shivering in a sleeveless gown while waiting to pose with the bride. I begged the groomsmen to block the wind, and they did. One went a step further and placed his jacket on my shoulders. I only knew these men for a few minutes and yet, one little cry for help from me and they made it their mission to keep me warm.
I could not help wondering: What inspires gallantry? Is it strictly courting behavior? Is it situation-dependent? Why are men often gallant towards me but not towards my girlfriends?
I reject the idea that men are only gallant toward women they want to sleep with—as my Cousin David put it, “That’s not being gallant; that’s playing your cards right.” Most of my male relatives behave chivalrously toward all women, including me. Men have protected me from stalkers and walked me to a parking garage in the dark when I was afraid to walk alone.
At a party with girlfriends, I asked them to tell me of specific instances of gallantry they had experienced. Long silence. One woman snickered.
I pressed them—what about the men in your life? More silence. One woman, the Midwestern one, said timidly, “My husband is gallant. I wouldn’t have married him if he weren’t.”
The women I spoke to all saw a link between gallantry and mating rituals.
We weighed cultural considerations. An Indian lady reported that because there is virtually no inter-gender socializing in India and marriages are mostly arranged, men “don’t have to woo you” and that a man lending his jacket to a woman, unless she were a blood relative, would seem morally suspect—so there is no gallantry in India. One of my Armenian friends, who has lived in both Armenia and Russia, said, “In Armenia and Russia a man that does not open doors, or offer a women his seat—no woman with education would marry him.”
I asked men I know what inspires their gallantry. Men from different ethnic backgrounds—Latin men, black men, multi-ethnic men, a white Midwesterner, and a Taiwanese-American—responded.
My husband—a white Midwesterner—reported that he learned how to treat a lady from watching his parents. A Caribbean-American acquaintance wrote: “my mother taught me to cherish women and I enjoy doing those things.”
My (Colombian) cousin David elaborated on his motives, noting that gallant behavior sprang from the chauvinistic belief that men are stronger than women and, therefore, women need manly protection. Even though he does not subscribe to that belief, he says, he likes helping others. A gay, multi-ethnic friend of mine said he “used to be” gallant but that “age trumps gender” when it comes to whom he chooses to help. My Taiwanese-American source explained: “To act kindly towards others gives me some satisfaction (that I have not become a dark heart), and some hope in humanity when I get a positive reaction. Yet, I do have my limits. . . some do not receive goodwill well.”
This jibes with my personal theory that, after cultural considerations, gallantry is inspired by: a.) an observable need and b.) a sense that the act will be appreciated. Men are gallant toward me because I ask for (and appreciate) their help—their willingness to give it is what I love about men and hope to foster in my son.
Automatic chivalry might be dead, but opportunities for its revival abound.
Transhuman We were speaking of protection, not buying meals. Personally, I feel bad if somebody is cold and I’m not and I can help out. Have given up my coat on numerous occasions. Never been turned down, either, except for a couple of self-important high school girls at a tennis tournament I was working who looked askance at my ancient field jacket. But the point Rick made is about protection from assault, not a dinner bill. I’ve stepped in when women were being assaulted twice, gone over to what looked like difficult situations half a dozen times and indicated an… Read more »
All of us, men and women alike, are capable of offering assitance and kindness when we see a need. Chicks can be chivalrous too! I love holding doors for guys, usually followed up with the comment “See? Chivalry isn’t dead!” I once held a guy’s ice cold hands against my warm neck until the chill went away. And I wasn’t trying to “get” anything from him. (It’s a great memory… I bet he would say the same!) I always always always notice the woman walking down the street with a baby carriage, or down the steps of a subway, and… Read more »
Rick. Good point. These discussions frequently start and end with doors. There are far too many issues–who got there first, do it for everybody, etc–to allow for any decent discussion.
Protectiveness is different. Among other things, eschewing protection is a bigger decision than telling a guy you can open the door yourself. A purer case for discussion, in other words.
Why do men feel they are obliged to protect women? Being cold will not kill them, paying for their own meals, cinema tickets, car, house and so-on is part of being equal. Men do themselves an enormous disservice by believing they are required to protect women. Do men feel they have to protect other men as a matter of course? No, men are expected to take care of themselves unless exposed to life-threatening situations such as house fires and car accidents (for example). The normal challenges of daily life are quite within the physical capabilities of the average women.
I think real gallantry is when you do it for all women, not just the ones you want to sleep with.
Well said.
Gallantry absolves women of having to be truly equal to men. If I am cold because I choose not to wear a jacket in winter then I do not ask another man to give up his jacket for me. Unless a woman is aged or disabled, why cannot she open her own doors? Do women have motor skill problems as a gender that means they cannot manipulate their own chairs?
Chivalry is a relic of an age when there were ladies; in the 21st century human females are women.
I’m glad that you included protective behaviors in with your descriptions of chivalry/gallantry. It bothers me when men think they’re gallant because they held a door open. No, dude, gallantry and chivalry are *martial* virtues and are primarily concerned with protecting the weak among us (which, sorry ladies, is generally though certainly not always women). The man who walks you to the parking garage so that you do not have to go by yourself? Gallant, since he is presumably assuming some risk and stating that he would prefer to bear the risk himself than allow you to face it. The… Read more »
This was intended as a general response to the article, not specifically to Transhuman.
Jennifer, I am glad that there are women like you who receive and appreciate chivalry when offered. Offering a woman a coat when she is shivering, or holding a door, is simply a gentleman’s kindness (yes, they are assholes who do this to control and manipulate, I get that). Thank you for appreciating that kindness.
Dave Kaiser
Gallantry, as it is defined here is completely 100% sexist.
A word that is often used in place of sexist and racist is “discriminatory”. I.E. you’re discriminating between people based on sex and race for no good reason and that’s inherently bad.
Usually in these discussions, and every feminist blog has at least one, it’s called “Chivalry” but even more often the conclusion everybody agrees upon is that it’s better if everyone treats everyone is a “gallent/chivalrous” manner without discrimininating on the basis of sex or race.
I like this article. It’s a fairly balanced approach to the topic compared to some other approaches to it I’ve read on this site. With my historian hat on, I wonder about the idea of “automatic chivalry being dead,” because I seriously question whether it was ever completely automatic, and the times when it was most common may not have been so admirable. If it ever was universally automatic, it was probably tied to all sorts of (other?) sexist reflexes. I wonder if there ever was a true golden age of chivalry that wasn’t also a height of sexism at… Read more »
So… in other words you’re wondering if there was a time that women got to slough off all the negative effects of their “traditional” gender role, but still retain all of it’s perks?
God, I hope not.
I’m really not one to shout “Aha! Patriarchy!” at every gender difference, but in the case of the man giving a woman his coat at the wedding, I detect a little bit of a built-in dialectic here. Women’s formal dresses often leave their shoulders bare, while men’s formal wear often involves a coat. So, women’s wear makes them vulnerable to cold and men’s wear gives them something to give to women to keep them warm. It’s not a sexist conspiracy, but it can’t be just a coincidence, can it? The whole dress-up custom seems to make women cover up less… Read more »
I believe you can be a feminist and be treated with chivalry at the same time. Isn’t it nice to feel special because you can, not because you HAVE to? If someone wants to go out of their way to make me feel important, I’ll gladly accept the offer. As for a sense of entitlement afterward, as David mentioned, that’s not chivalry, that’s playing your cards.
“I believe you can be a feminist and be treated with chivalry at the same time.”
In my experience, a majority of feminists agree with you. They happily accept gender inequality and traditional gender roles when it benefits them. On the other hand, if men are perceived to benefit from gender inequality and traditional gender roles, it’s sexism, oppression, the patriarchy, etc .
Virtue is it’s own reward.
Perhaps it was just the right thing to do…
Undoubtedly, it was the right thing to do, to offer your coat to a human being in need, man or woman, old or young. A virtuous act, indeed. A modeling of exceptional behavior for your children, who are always watching and learning from you, and would see a generosity of spirit and kindness.
The wrong thing would be to allow that simple act of kindness to a stranger devolve into a multi-year affair, stripping you of the virtue that you had imagined for yourself and substantiating the suspicion that you were simply playing your cards right.
I’m always chivalrous/gallant towards everyone not just women. Its just in my nature. I don’t feel right if I’m not. I guess I was taught this by being raised by my grandmother. Opening doors, paying for meals, escorting someone a few blocks to the store or their car, offering my jacket/coat…the list goes on and on. I never expect anything in return for doing it, that would be wrong in my eyes.
I friend sent me the following quote and I try to use it as guidance in my relationships with men. It says it’s a Cherokee saying but I have no idea if that’s true. Either way, I think it’s a good saying. “A woman’s highest calling is to lead a man to his soul, so as to unite him with Source; her lowest calling is to seduce, separating man from soul and leave him aimlessly wandering….A man’s highest calling is to protect woman, so she is free to walk the earth unharmed. Man’s lowest …calling is to ambush and force… Read more »
Acts of chivalry are performed by men for virtually or total strangers all day, every day in large and small ways. I agree with the two reasons listed, but there is also more basic reason. The main reason is that we like women, we just do – at least heterosexual men. It moves us to be selfless and sacrifice for their comfort and security. I personally get satisfaction being kind and helpful to them for no reason other it feels good to be kind and helpful in even small ways. I was stuck on a subway train… Read more »
Compassion for others and chivalry/gallantry aren’t quite the same thing. I’d stop to help any person stranded by the side of a busy highway, but I only pull out chairs for women.
Chivalry is a male-specific cultural “civilizing” influence exerted on males to promote the protection of females as more valuable members of society. It is, after all, a form of sexism… but a form that benefits women, so they still like it. Have you ever asked a self-proclaimed feminist how she feels about a guy who doesn’t offer to pay for dinner?
I am a feminist. If a guy doesn’t offer to pay for his share of the meal, I do get pissed. If he offers to pay for the whole meal, I insist on paying for my half. If he pays for the whole meal without telling me instead (which has happened), I get pissed, since I don’t want to owe anyone anything nor give a date a reason to feel entitled. So no, I don’t like it. I don’t feel it benefits me. Every time a guy has forced the issue and paid for a meal, he’s been an entitled… Read more »
I appreciate this position. It’s the only the right thing for feminist to do. As much as I will call them out when I hear anti-male rhetoric, policies, and views, I do respect feminists who practice the equality that they preach by not expecting or accepting chivalry, such as being helped with a heavy bag/package if they can possibly carry it themselves (even if it requires some struggle), paying for a meal (as above), being offered a jacket (as was appreciated by the writer), having doors opened (when such would not necessarily be done for a man in the… Read more »
Fair enough, Heina. I apologize for over-generalizing.
I’m 6’5″ and 220lbs., and I like to think that my acts of kindness toward the women around me puts them at ease. Perhaps that physical inequality combined with all the dangers, real and imagined, that women today percieve from modern males, is why the tradition of chivalry is allowed in the age of modern feminism. The media paint men as uncaring, unfeeling predators (with too many real-life example to back that perception up), and I suspect that many women want some reassurance that our intentions are good. When it comes to offering a jacket or paying for a meal,… Read more »
I’m a feminist. I might think it’s odd if a man doesn’t offer to pay for his share, but that’s because I ALWAYS offer to pay for my share as well (and am more than happy to do so – I would never judge a guy for letting me pay for my share). And if the guy insists on paying for the whole thing himself, then I’ll pay for the whole thing next time. I appreciate some forms of chivalry (i.e. I will say “thank you” if someone opens a door for me rather than refusing to walk through it),… Read more »