Here’s an example of an argument between a couple where the emotional manipulation technique of “gaslighting” is used. Pay attention to how the couple interacts, who said what, and if anyone is denying what happened between the two of them.
Partner 1: “Stop calling me crazy! You keep calling me crazy. Yesterday, you said that I was insane and that I should be in an institution.”
Partner 2: “I didn’t say that.”
Partner 1: “Yes, you did! You said it yesterday while I was doing the dishes.”
Partner 2: “Why would I say that?”
Partner 1: “I don’t know why, but you did, and it hurt my feelings.”
Partner 2: “I wouldn’t say something like that. You’re imagining things.”
Partner 1: “I’m not imagining anything! The only thing that I was imagining is myself in a straight jacket because you said that I’m too much to handle and that I should be in a mental hospital. Are you saying that I’m crazy now? That you didn’t say that, and that it’s in my head?”
Partner 2: “You’re just making stuff up.”
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting abuse is a form of manipulation where someone makes you question your sanity, your memories, and your perception of reality. It’s a cruel form of emotional and mental abuse, and it’s wrong. The dialogue above is a classic example of gaslighting. Partner 1 did call Partner 2 “crazy.” She was feeling emotional, and he didn’t want to acknowledge her feelings or work through the problem, so he called her “crazy.” Now, he’s trying to say that it never happened and that it wasn’t real so that partner 1 will question her sanity, feel sorry for accusing partner 2, and apologize.
Gaslighting is manipulation
A person who manipulates a partner using gaslighting tactics does it for their gain. They’re trying to make them feel crazy because they don’t want to look at their behavior or because the person wants to gain control over the individual they’re gaslighting. For example, if someone cheats on their partner and the partner discovers evidence which proves the infidelity, the person that is cheating might say “What? Don’t you trust me? You’re making that up; I’d never do that. You’re nuts. Most people wouldn’t stick around after being accused like that. You’re so lucky that I’m with you.” To cover up that they are cheating, make the other person feel as though they are in the wrong, and continue doing what they’re doing.
You may be a victim
If you believe that you may be a victim of gaslighting, the most important thing to remember is that you do not need to continue to accept this abuse. Your perception of reality is accurate because you perceived it, and you are not crazy. No one has the right to doctor your sense of what is happening and call you crazy or infer that you are crazy. If you are experiencing this level of abuse, you have the right to stand up for yourself and reach out for help. Gaslighting can damage a person’s confidence and contribute to other psychological and emotional issues, especially if the abuse happens over a long period.
Getting help
There are licensed therapists and counselors who can help you work through these problems, so it is tremendously helpful to see a mental health professional. You might even consider seeing a couples counselor; your partner might not even realize that they are manipulating you. If the relationship is salvageable, a couples counselor could help you save it. Online couples counseling is an excellent option in this case because it allows you to work on your relationship with a professional from the privacy of your own home. Whether you work with a therapist or counselor online or in your local area, there is hope.
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