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A while back, I was at a dinner party with a group of our friends. At one point, five of the men, including myself, found ourselves huddled around the kitchen counter discussing hair products. One of the group was the director of sales for a major hair product company, and so we were all trying one of the newer products to see what we thought. For a lengthy period of time, the five of us discussed multiple different products, beard oils, gels, texture pastes, and a combination of shampoos and conditioners. The conversation was natural and free-flowing until someone pointed out that we were a bunch of men standing around at a party talking about hair products. Within moments, we were back to the game, rooting for whoever was playing or against whoever we didn’t like.
Looking back, I found this conversation to be enlightening. There was a moment where we, as men, put society’s ideas of masculinity away and talked about something different. Our conversation wasn’t sports or money or politics (it should never be about politics) or alcohol.
It is so rare in today’s society for men to have group discussions about alternative topics. I know each of these men well and have had open and honest discussions about love and life and parenting individually or in small groups—two or three, including myself. Too often, however, men as a species are unwilling to open ourselves to the vulnerability involved in having these deeper conversations. Not that having a conversation about hair products is a deep and stimulating conversation (although it was quite educational) but being willing to step out of our comfort zone to tackle hard topics is met with resistance. If we ask the right questions, we find that we, as fathers are struggling with the same or closely related issues. How do I spend enough time with my children? Does my style of discipline work? Am I doing enough to raise a healthy son or daughter? In one-on-one talks, the barriers that we put up to protect ourselves seem surmountable, and we can have open and honest talks with those we love.
What if we could have these talks as a group?
What kind of parenting would we be capable of if we, as men, were willing to set aside our own egos for a while and talk honestly about our roles as fathers, and husband, and men? How much better would we be if we worked as a village to raise our children? Would we be better parents? Could we work together to help each other? What I have learned is that very few of our situations are specific to us. Maybe the exact scenarios differ, but in talking we realize that most of us, as parents, have struggled with a similar issue. When you are with a group of men, and you comment on your fantasy football team, or that you are car shopping, or even which school you might send your child to, your query is met with multiple voices, many opinions and gathered facts from the group.
Why then is it so hard for someone like me to say, “My son has been doing [insert scenario here] and I don’t know how to handle it.” We are expected to be infallible as fathers. We are expected to have learned from our fathers who learned from theirs how to be a man in this world. But the world isn’t theirs anymore, and our children are living in a different time and age. We should be working together as men, putting aside our egos and vulnerabilities, asking each other for help, in small groups and in large. Where better to ask these questions than in a group of men you know and trust, who have your best interest at heart and want you to succeed. As men, isn’t it time for us, myself included, to break down these walls of topical taboos and use the time we have together to dig deeper into ourselves and be better fathers, and partners, and humans? Now more than ever, we need each other.
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