Born on the cusp of Gen X and the Millennial Generation, Sam Kressler breaks down the reasons why being an adult doesn’t mean what it used to – and offers a suggestion for growing up on your own terms no matter your age.
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A few months ago, a good friend threw a dinner party with the intention of discussing some of the big social issues facing our generation. There were 10 of us total, a Benetton patchwork of socio-economic and ethnic diversity, many of us strangers, all of us working in different industries or for different causes. We had no delusions about being able to solve anything that night, but we came away understanding that we were not alone in our thoughts or frustrations and that there was immense opportunity for personal growth caused by our need to shift away from outdated modes of thinking.
Driven by both the confusion and frustration of not understanding where we fit into the “grown up” world, we all landed on two questions: why don’t we see ourselves as adults? And what exactly is an adult anyway?
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As we settled into the main course and our second glasses of wine, the conversation moved from issues of race to gentrification to our own relative economic instability. Most of us had at least a college degree; many of us had some student debt; all of us were trying to pursue careers that satisfied our passions while attempting to pay inflated San Francisco rents; and none of us felt secure in our jobs. At some point, we realized the source of our angst ran a bit deeper.
Driven by both the confusion and frustration of not understanding where we fit into the “grown up” world, we all landed on two questions: why don’t we see ourselves as adults? And what exactly is an adult anyway? The group ranged from our late 20s to early 40s and our incomes and personal lives ran the gamut. It wasn’t age, or relationship status, or job seniority that was defining our perceived lack of adulthood. To wit, I have a good friend who is a divorced, government employed homeowner. On paper, she is one of the most “grown up” members of my peer group, but when I asked her last week if she thought of herself as an adult, she literally laughed in my face.
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Destination Unknown
I would posit that the elusive factor we all sought that night was simply a matter of perspective. Many of our grandparents grew up poor during the Depression, hustled to survive, and as was generally the case, worked hard to build better lives for their children than they had for themselves. Our parents, now given the opportunity to go to college, were often able to enter the professional classes, land stable jobs they kept for the majority of their careers, and build a family. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
So now, here we are in a post-2008 world, with near unlimited dreams, seemingly few options to realize them in terms of the models we were taught from a young age to subscribe to, and a general sense of ennui because some of the foundational truths that worked for the past few generations are no longer valid.
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Many of us were told from a young age that (true or not) we were unique little snowflakes who could do anything we wanted. Our parents cleared the path to make that happen. We were told that as long as we went to the best college possible, our careers would be all set. So now, here we are in a post-2008 world, with near unlimited dreams, seemingly few options to realize them in terms of the models we were taught from a young age to subscribe to, and a general sense of ennui because some of the foundational truths that worked for the past few generations are no longer valid. As a result, while on paper we are surviving, taking care of ourselves, and attempting to build lives and careers, something still feels off.
Herein lies the crux of the outdated model: for the past few generations, including our own, adulthood has been a final destination. Think about it. We all have a few friends from high school or college who we would consider “grown ups.” They have stable jobs, a few kids, maybe a mortgage, but most significantly, from the outside the adventure of life seems to be superficially over for them. They have ‘settled’. I am by NO means disparaging those decisions, nor am I conflating adulthood with an end of personal growth or opportunity in any way, but I think for many in my generation there is a certain perceived finality to that model that no longer seems to resonate.
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The guests at the table that night didn’t want to settle for less than what we’d been promised by our elders and as a result, we are taking our time not just to settle for, but also to settle down. According to the US Census, between 2005-2010 66% of 25 to 29 year olds moved each year. (The next most mobile group, with a much lower 48% move rate, was 18-24 year olds who were presumably leaving home to go to college or more generally as freshly enfranchised adults). Given that on the whole, only about 12% of the US population moved during 2012-2013, the 66% statistic is even more striking. Yes, many of my friends moved to new cities after graduation or for grad school, but even beyond that, it seems rare to meet natives among those individuals residing the coastal cities where I have lived. I would argue that as cities around the country become younger and more vibrant, my generation is chasing excitement and energy often to the detriment of stability.
Being a Working Stiff
In terms of employment, anecdotally very few of my friends feel secure in their jobs. I can count on both hands the number of friends or colleagues who have been with the same employer for more than five years and only two of my friends have been with the same firm since graduating college. Even my friends working in finance whose jobs survived the crash in 2008 have started looking for greener pastures and a day to day that might be less lucrative but more spiritually fulfilling.
Many in my cohort are currently working in startups, which are inherently risky. However, I would also argue that young people who are working in new businesses are doing so because they see little opportunity or security in long-term jobs at more established firms. Accordingly, the risk-reward calculus of a startup or young business is more appealing and generally offers more possibility to have our voices heard by management. Checking with the Bureau of Labor Statistics, my anecdotal evidence doesn’t seem that far off. In 2012, over 65% of 25-34 year olds had been with their current employer for four years or less.
Getting Hitched
The last leg of so-called adulthood to which we feel disconnected is marriage. Millennials are getting married later than any other generation in US history and continuing a downward trend set by Gen X, fewer are getting married at all. Only 26% of Millennials are married versus 36% of Gen Xers and 48% of Baby Boomers when they were the same age. My hunch is the lower marriage rate is in part due to the plurality of Millennials whose parents divorced and who, as a result of the emotional stress caused by watching their parents divorce, are avoiding the institution altogether or are seeking other ways to create structures of long-term commitment.
However, this doesn’t address the large numbers of people who want to be in some sort of committed relationship but aren’t. I’d like to think that my friends as a groups are pretty thoughtful, fun, kind, well-adjusted people. Yet, almost across the board, most of my friends (especially the women) who are looking for love can’t find a connection. Volumes have and will be written on this topic, so I don’t need to go into it, but my brief tenure as a dating coach and profile editor taught me that A. in the search for perfection, people can’t find what doesn’t exist, and B. we often equate vulnerability with weakness and so avoid opportunities for meaningful bonds.
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Needlessly Floating
There is no point lamenting something lost, or frustration that the ocean was calmer in the past, especially when we as a generation have such an incredible opportunity to re-define adulthood in our own image.
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So, basically the conclusion is that our generational avoidance of self-defined adulthood is a result of greater geographic mobility coupled with a less stable job market as well as difficulty and/or avoidance in cultivating deep long-term pair bonds, which all sounds both horrendously clinical and cynical. The thing is, good or bad, these shifts have happened. There is no point lamenting something lost, or frustration that the ocean was calmer in the past, especially when we as a generation have such an incredible opportunity to re-define adulthood in our own image. For the most part, our parents and grandparents sacrificed happiness for stability. Yes, this gave many of us incredible opportunities for which we should be grateful. But in some ways it also foisted on us the responsibility to live the lives our forebears were unable to.
Okay then, let’s do it! If we have to live life on our own terms, we get to define them. If we’re moving more often for (real or perceived) opportunity, being a grown up is having the choice to live where we want and take advantage of and engage with those locales. If our jobs are less stable, being a grown up is managing that risk and creating a network of friends and colleagues who can help us find increasingly more satisfying jobs when needed or help us weather the storm when unavoidable. And if we haven’t yet found someone with whom to share our lives, whether intentionally or not, being a grown up is building extended families of our choosing who can love us, support us, and if we desire, help us find the partner we seek. When I look around at my immediate community, I see all of this happening. I might not be an grownup in the way I was taught, but I am most definitely an adult.
Photo: Flickr/James Vaughan
My dislike of humanity started early (hey, I was precocious!) and has magnified exponentially since. We live in an overcrowded, overheated world made insecure on purpose by legions of (mostly) white men who have perfected the art of nihilism and see absolutely everything as a financial opportunity. Water? Land? Grandma? Check, check, check. Having created this climate of artificial scarcity and fear, we now live in a world where nothing is promised, nothing is secure and nobody is to be trusted, a world where friendships, families and lovers can be cut off with the click of a mouse as we… Read more »
You’ve hit the nail squarely about the vulnerability thing. for years and years and years, my entire adolescence, teenaged years, 20’s, I was told over and over and over again that women wanted guys who treated them with respect, who was vulnerable, who wasn’t afraid of emotional connection, and it *is* true. They do seem to overwhelmingly want that, but they always seem to not want it *right now*. And so much of it is precisely that they want their perfect in their head boyfriend but can never find him. there is always something else in the way. some new… Read more »
Excellent point. Women and men’s expectations are so out of touch right now, it’s absurd. I see it much more in women right now and I can’t blame them entirely because they are constantly bombarded with idea of feminism and independence, and how often are traditional values considered cool these days? I watched a movie called Divergent recently, and I couldn’t help but feel sorry for the young impressionable women watching this who have no idea yet how lonely being too good for others can be. The truth is there are many women who want a man in their lives,… Read more »
Fantastic piece by Sam Kressler. Insightful and articulate. Sam is indeed a grown-up. Thanks for publishing this.
“Yet, almost across the board, most of my friends (especially the women) who are looking for love can’t find a connection. Volumes have and will be written on this topic, so I don’t need to go into it, but my brief tenure as a dating coach and profile editor taught me that A. in the search for perfection, people can’t find what doesn’t exist, and B. we often equate vulnerability with weakness and so avoid opportunities for meaningful bonds.” This struck a chord with me as I tried being honest, vulnerable and it was viewed as weakness..I was passed over.… Read more »
“I think for many in my generation there is a certain perceived finality to that model that no longer seems to resonate.” That’s basically it in a nutshell. Many of the earlier definitions of success look today like people being made into drones. Conform, conform, conform, everyone else is doing it, so you should, too. People of my generation (born in the 1970’s) were also in a generation bombarded with warnings about the horrible effects of peer pressure. My parents’ generation practically invented the phrase “peer pressure,” in fact. So, the pressures to conform had to compete with the pressures… Read more »