—
The New York Times Sunday magazine recently published a piece entitled “I Used to Insist I Didn’t Get Angry: Not Anymore“. The author, a woman, courageously explores the topic of societal and internalized prohibitions against women experiencing, much less expressing, anger. The author talks about growing up believing that she didn’t get angry, she only got sad. She thought that sadness was “more refined and also more selfless” than anger, “as if you were holding the pain inside yourself, rather than making someone else deal with this blunt-force trauma.”
Men have always had a problem with anger in women; boys are conditioned to be that way from a very young age. The author cites research that suggests that young boys and girls both get angry about as frequently, but that boys are socialized to feel OK about their anger, while women are taught to feel ashamed. Angry women make men feel uncomfortable, even threatened. Sad women make men feel gallant and protective.
In my work as a psychotherapist, I often witness these social prohibitions against women feeling angry. It’s not unusual for women to cry while talking about feeling angry. This can be very frustrating, both because they’re tears often make it difficult for other people to know when they are angry, and because they sometimes feel that their tears get in the way of feeling their own anger.
While women are often largely unaware of their own anger, men are acutely aware of women’s underlying anger, even if that anger is not openly expressed. In fact, many of the problematic dynamics in heterosexual relationships can be explained by men’s fear of women being angry with, and disapproving of, them. Men tend to scan their wives/partners carefully for any sign that they might be angry or disapproving, orienting their emotional lives around the presence or absence of anger in their wives/partners.
Men often talk about walking on eggshells, considering everything they say and do in terms of whether it will make their wives/partners angry with them. There are a number of old sayings like “happy wife, happy life,” and “If mamma ain’t happy, nobody’s happy” that speak to the truth of how scared men are of women’s anger. I had one man tell me that he was so sensitized to his wife’s emotional state that he could tell with unerring accuracy how she was feeling when he walked in the front door, before ever seeing her!
Men are scared of women’s anger for a number of reasons:
- Men are generally afraid of their wives/partner’s disapproval, so they watch anxiously for any sign of anger that may indicate disapproval
- Men are often uncomfortable with any expression of strong feelings. When their wives/partners are angry, it raises the emotional temperature in the relationship, which makes men feel uncomfortable.
- Men often feel responsible for their wives/partners well-being. When their wives/partners are upset, most men go quickly into “fix it” mode, believing it is their responsibility to soothe their partners and reestablish equilibrium.
- Men don’t typically do well emotionally on their own, which is why men generally remarry much sooner than women. As a result, men tend to watch out for signs of potential anger that may lead to periods of emotional separation with their wives/partners that may like abandonment to them.
- Men often feel emotionally inadequate in comparison to their wives/partner’s emotional capacity. On some level, men often recognize that they do not have nearly as much access to their emotional experience as their wives/partners do, and when relationships become more emotional, they are reminded of feeling less than adequate.
The New York Times has called attention to the important and neglected subject of making more room for women’s open experience of anger. When we as a society make more room for women to acknowledge and express all of their feelings, including anger, we make room for men to have fuller, less fear-based, and more mutually rewarding relationships with women.
—
We want to hear your point of view:
When you’re ready to submit, click the red box, below.
◊♦◊
The Good Men Project is different from most media companies. We are a “participatory media company”—which means we don’t just have content you read and share and comment on but it means we have multiple ways you can actively be a part of the conversation. As you become a deeper part of the conversation—The Conversation No One Else is Having—you will learn all of the ways we support our Writers’ Community—community FB groups, weekly conference calls, classes in writing, editing platform building and How to Create Social Change.
◊♦◊
Here are more ways to become a part of The Good Men Project community:
Request to join our private Facebook Group for Writers—it’s like our virtual newsroom where you connect with editors and other writers about issues and ideas.
Click here to become a Premium Member of The Good Men Project Community. Have access to these benefits:
- Get access to an exclusive “Members Only” Group on Facebook
- View the website with no ads
- Get free access to classes, workshops, and exclusive events
- Be invited to an exclusive weekly “Call with the Publisher” with other Premium Members
- Free commenting badge, listing on our Friends page, and more.
Are you stuck on what to write? Sign up for our Writing Prompts emails, you’ll get ideas directly from our editors every Monday and Thursday. If you already have a final draft, then click below to send your post through our submission system.
If you are already working with an editor at GMP, please be sure to name that person. If you are not currently working with a GMP editor, one will be assigned to you.
Join our exclusive weekly “Call with the Publisher” — where community members are encouraged to discuss the issues of the week, get story ideas, meet other members and get known for their ideas? To get the call-in information, either join as a member or wait until you get a post published with us. Here are some examples of what we talk about on the calls.
Want to learn practical skills about how to be a better Writer, Editor or Platform Builder? Want to be a Rising Star in Media? Want to learn how to Create Social Change? We have classes in all of those areas.
While you’re at it, get connected with our social media:
- To join our Facebook Page, go here.
- To sign up for our email list, go here.
- To follow The Good Men Project on Twitter, go here.
◊♦◊
However, you engage with The Good Men Project—–you can help lead this conversation about the changing roles of men in the 21st century. Join us!
◊♦◊
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
The Good Men Project is an Amazon.com affiliate. If you shop via THIS LINK, we will get a small commission and you will be supporting our Mission while still getting the quality products you would have purchased, anyway! Thank you for your continued support!
◊♦◊
—
Photo credit: Getty Images