“He Still Won’t Commit . . . Should I Walk Away?” [Video]

Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)

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he’s giving you time he’s giving you
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energy he’s giving you attention he’s
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getting your attention he’s getting your
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time he’s getting your intimacy but he’s
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not saying yes
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and and that’s all you actually need to
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know
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1200 people tuning in that’s crazy
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all right so i’ve sent out a video
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request to jillian
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hey hey
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wait what was your name is it jillian or
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did i just mix you up with someone in
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the chat sabina sabina savina okay there
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you go sabine i don’t know how many
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people you have on the video at the same
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time so i’m sorry no no just just you so
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hello good to have you here how are you
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i’m from new jersey
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but i watch your videos all the time um
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i do have some situation obviously i was
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involved with someone for about six
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months this person is going through a
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divorce
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and we constantly uh fighting
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uh because he has no time he’s afraid to
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uh commit to something serious because
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he doesn’t want his ex-wife to find out
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because she would cause him a lot of
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problems through the divorce
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um he trying here in the i see him like
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once a week we
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he’s very consistently on the phone all
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the time
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but i’m very confused because
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he giving me everything like
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he wants a relationship and the question
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he’s asking if i’m seeing or speaking
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with other people and the way he’s very
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close with me and we already got
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intimate at some point
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that it seems like a relationship but he
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doesn’t want to put a title on it he
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doesn’t want a commitment yet
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and it causing us fight all the time and
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i just
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every time we tried to cut it off we we
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then missed each other that we start
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talking again
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and i just don’t know if his situation
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is is he just playing game or if i
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should cut it off or
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how to approach him that i don’t want to
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put pressure he feels pressured
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by me into relationship
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um
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i don’t want to pressure him but i feel
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like we are six months
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and i kind of would like to know what i
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spent i don’t want to waste my time i’m
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36 years old
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i i’m established i’m divorced myself
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after four years and i’m looking for
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something serious
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uh and she knew that from the beginning
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so i’d you know what would you
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what would you what would be your advice
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and and this so what’s really what what
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a lot of people struggle with in
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situations like this
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is
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we get into the business of analyzing
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what somebody else is saying
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and whether it’s fair or not
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and when we do that
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we can be spinning
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internally because
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we go is he right am i right should i be
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more understanding because he’s still in
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a divorce or he’s he’s has he is he
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officially divorced
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no not yet and we don’t know when that’s
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going to happen so he’s so he’s saying
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to you that there could be more problems
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for me if she learns that i’m dating
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someone and then i have all the
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headaches of a much more acrimonious
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and so now you’re looking at that going
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well that sounds rational and and
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reasonable do i have to be more
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understanding and so you’re what you’re
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going through
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is very common not just in divorces but
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also with anyone who is hearing a reason
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why somebody can’t give them
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what they want right now right
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now
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he has his logic he has his reasons
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correct but there’s two words reasons
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and reality i’m not saying his reality
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your reality
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your reality
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is that you said you’re in your 30s you
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want a relationship
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and
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you have been dating someone for six
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months
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who still can’t say that the two of you
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are an actual couple
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right
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that’s your reality regardless
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of what he is telling you or the
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legitimacy of his reasons
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for now we don’t actually have to worry
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about whether his reasons
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are real or not are they real is it does
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it have genuine cons consequences for
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him in his divorce if she learns that
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he’s dating someone maybe is he using it
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just as a strategy to tell you that he’s
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not he can’t have a an official
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relationship right now because it will
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cause him problems and that’s how he’s
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justifying not getting into a commitment
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that actually he’s not ready for
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independent of his ex
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maybe we don’t know but it doesn’t
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matter it’s in a way it’s not our
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business to know it’s not your business
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to know it’s your business to protect
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yourself
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so
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uh what i want you to do is
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the next time you talk to him
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say to him look
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i
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i can have compassion
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for your situation
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i can have compassion for the fact that
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you’re going through a lot a divorce is
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a big deal
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you
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dealing with the fallout of that and
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dealing with all of the logistics of
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that is a is a lot for you right now i
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totally understand that
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but i can’t take that on myself
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i your reasons
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don’t change my reality
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and my reality is that
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i’ve given this six months
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to see
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where it goes
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in the hopes that it would mater it
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would turn into something
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serious
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and committed
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and a relationship i’m not asking for
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the world
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i’m asking for
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a
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relationship
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and you’re not able to give that to me
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regardless of why that is
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because again i want when you speak to
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him sabina i want you to have no
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aggression in your heart i want you to
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have no there’s no anger there’s no
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nothing it’s
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just
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facts
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however legitimate those reasons are for
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you
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the reality for me doesn’t change
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which is that i want to find something
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serious and meaningful
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with someone who values me and someone
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who’s ready to say yes to me
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and
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regardless of your reason
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you can’t say yes to me right now you’ve
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made that clear
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so
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i’m gonna i’m gonna move forward with my
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life
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and if something changes
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for you
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you let me know
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and if i happen to still be available at
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that time then we’ll talk
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but in the meantime i have to keep
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moving forward with my life does that
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make sense
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absolutely and i think
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i’m trying to actually accept that and
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actually i think i have to make that
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decision because i had those
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conversations with him many times and
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actually i watch your videos
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and i try
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to say those things to him that i’m
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trying to be understanding but this is
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not working for me and it will
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cut it off and then few days two days
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later he will contact me he will show up
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he will bring me something like he has
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hard time also letting it go as well
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and i asked him why you keep
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dragging this you you you’re not ready
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um why can’t you just let me go and not
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waste my time if you’re not ready for a
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relationship
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he has hard time with that as well
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right that’s what’s confusing too
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because it looks like he wants it but he
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just can’t give it to me right now
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that’s his uh response but you know what
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but here’s the here’s the thing
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right now
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he doesn’t feel the consequences the
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true consequences of letting you go
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because you’re not going
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that’s true there’s an analogy you use
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matt which is
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you never want to be
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the train just sitting on a platform
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saying doors are open we’re ready when
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you are we’ll just sit here and chill
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and
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when you’re ready the train’s just
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sitting here waiting you want to be the
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train that’s like we’re we’re moving
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forward with or without you that’s where
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we’re going we’ve got a destination
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and that’s the only way someone
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not to play games but that’s the only
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way someone ever feels
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i’ve got to make a real decision here
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because
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they’re not going to be here and can i
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can i
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that’s absolutely right steve
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let me say one more thing sabina
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yes
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if someone is coming out of a
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relationship
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whether it’s marriage or just a
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long-term relationship
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they need
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it already makes them a precarious
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person to be with
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right now it already makes them
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a potentially dangerous person to be
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with because of all of the complications
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that can come with that whether they’re
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contractual complications and logistical
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or whether they are simply the
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complications of someone whose heart is
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still bound up with
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someone in the past
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so
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someone in that situation
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needs to actually
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work
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extra hard to make sure
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that you know they’re ready
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right if
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in a sense even if he was saying to you
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i’m ready and let’s do this
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there should still be a little part of
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you that says
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i am
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i’m i really care about this man in this
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relationship so i want to give this a
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shot but i am going to
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tread carefully here to make sure that
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this is real that this is consistent
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that this
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is everything that this person says it
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is so i’m going to go slowly here
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that’s even in the case that he’s
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working extra hard
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to reassure you and to give you
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consistent energy and investment and
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commitment
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but
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he’s not even doing that
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um honestly you know i’ve been in very
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similar situation because i was married
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for 13 years and i got divorced three
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years ago it separated four
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so i’m trying to be understanding
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because his situation is very similar to
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mine and i met someone right before my
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divorce because i was separated from my
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ex-husband for almost a year before my
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divorce so in his situation is like a
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similar situation so
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i could see that this could be something
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i just feel like he’s holding back
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but he wants it
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and he gives me everything like we have
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relationship we are constantly in
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contact all day
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he’s very consistent
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the time he doesn’t have enough time for
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me
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well so wait is the problem that he
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doesn’t want to say yes to a
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relationship or he doesn’t have enough
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time
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enough time and he’s afraid to commit
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yet like he’s not right so one of by the
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way one of those
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can be more legitimate than the other
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because
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if you’re
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if he’s saying to you hey it’s you and
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me
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it’s you and me
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we’re gonna do this together i want to
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be with you you want to be with me
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you and i are in a relationship i i you
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know and he’s executing on his divorce
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he’s making all of that happen everyone
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who says never date someone who’s going
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through a divorce or whatever life’s not
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black and white so i i can’t stand
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when when people are so defiant about
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you know
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it has to be this way or whatever people
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can be separated for a long time and
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it’s a matter of dealing with paperwork
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at this stage so at the end of the day
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and by the way you have to know that
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he’s finalizing that you have to know
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that it’s actually happening but life
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isn’t binary
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but what is binary
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what is really simple is is he saying
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yes to you
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and he’s not saying yes to you
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if he said yes to you
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and then said by the way this is a
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really tricky period time wise i’m in a
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chapter of my life where i am slammed
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with the amount of things i have to do
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i’m looking forward to being able to
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dedicate more time but right now i need
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you to bear with me through this chapter
12:47
because it is a really crazy time then
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you can communicate you can work with
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someone like that that’s what was
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happening actually it’s just that
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i guess you feel more pressure because
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i’m asking for a little bit more i’m
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asking for more validation because we
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are six months
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but you’re saying can we call ourselves
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a couple and he’s saying no
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right
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that’s all you need to know
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after six months that’s all you need to
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know nothing else matters
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yeah he’s not saying yes he’s giving you
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his he’s giving you time he’s giving you
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energy he’s giving you attention he’s
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getting your attention he’s getting your
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time he’s getting your intimacy but he’s
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not saying yes
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and and that’s all you actually need to
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know
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that’s it
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so when it comes to no contact rule
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if he reaches out should i ignore him
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because he did message me
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should i ignore him should i
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here’s what you do something in polite
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way to just you know for him to leave me
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alone because i need to obviously take
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some time and and you know think this
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through
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um i don’t know what the right approach
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is because you know sometimes when you
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emotional
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you might you know take the wrong
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way
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here’s what you well firstly here’s what
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you know going back to him
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because he reaches out to you
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doesn’t change anything
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you have evidence for that now right
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so the next time you tell yourself after
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you’ve had one of these conversations
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with him and you move on when he then
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reaches out to you
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remind yourself
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the last time he reached out and the
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last time he went back
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it didn’t make any difference
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so why do i think it’s going to make a
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difference this time
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the only here do you want to know
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something about the no contact rule
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the no contact rule people take way too
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literally
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the no contact rule people take to mean
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that for x amount of time after a
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breakup
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you must
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have
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zero contact with a person whatsoever if
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they reach out to you ignore them okay
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the no contact rule is a little bit
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different than that in my opinion my
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version of it okay
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the rule is
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if someone reaches out to you
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you have to set a bar for what’s
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interesting
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and the only thing that’s interesting
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enough
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to engage with
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is a different decision
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from his side
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anything less than a different decision
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is boring
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and is not worth your time
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so what that means is if he comes back
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to you and says i miss you
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boring
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if he comes back to you and says
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i
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am
16:00
[Music]
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thinking of you
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boring
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pointless
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wasting my time
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if he comes back to you and says i’m so
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confused
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poor boring
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pointless stop wasting my time
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my com your confusion is not my problem
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if he comes back to you and says
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i’ve rethought this whole thing can we
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talk
16:31
we can talk
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if that’s the case if you’ve rethought
16:36
this whole thing and there’s a different
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decision here
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let’s talk
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even then i would tread carefully
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how do i know that you mean this let’s
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talk about that
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how do you know that you mean this and
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that you’re not wasting my time let’s
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talk about that but that’s a talk you
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can have that talk
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you don’t have to if someone reaches out
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to you and says
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hey i have
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rethought this whole thing
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i’d really like to talk to you
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you don’t have to go no contact rule i
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can’t message back
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right you say okay if you’ve genuinely
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had a change of heart about your
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decision
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let’s talk about it people are entitled
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to change their mind about things we’ve
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all been there
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but
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anything less than you have changed your
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mind
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is a message back from you that says hey
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i respect that you i i get that you miss
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me
17:32
i get that you’re confused i get that
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you miss what we have
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but unless the decision has changed
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um it’s inappropriate for you to be
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reaching out to me right now
17:45
and then you leave it and then you go
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back to no contact
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you see that
17:49
yeah
17:50
this is really really really important
17:53
this is your this is your time we’re
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talking about this is your energy we’re
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talking about
17:59
you have honestly we have this much time
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here on this earth i know that’s why at
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this point i i felt like i gave in six
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months i think it’s just enough time
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for him to kind of know
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you know where we are how he feels about
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it can we work no but let me change let
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me let me flip that for you sabina is
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enough time for you to know
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yes it’s enough time for you to know
18:24
stop putting the ball in his court it’s
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enough time for you to know where you
18:27
are
18:28
that’s enough time for you to know what
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this man is willing to give you
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right i do know what i want and what i
18:36
want from it and i wanted it he’s not
18:38
willing or he claims it is not the best
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it’s not a good timing he can’t give me
18:43
what i want right now but by the way he
18:46
can’t then i have to let it go correct
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if he says it’s not good timing whether
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the reason it’s not good timing is noble
18:52
or not doesn’t make it good timing for
18:54
you it doesn’t matter what his reason is
18:57
for it being bad timing and this is a
18:59
mistake that i see people make all the
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time
19:02
they try to assess whether his reasons
19:04
are valid or not it doesn’t matter
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whether your reasons are valid or not
19:07
the relate reality is still you don’t
19:09
want a relationship with me that’s all i
19:11
need to know right
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you’re just you’re not in a place where
19:14
you can have a relationship and he was
19:16
coming back and
19:17
and treating me and saying all those
19:19
things like he wants a relationship
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and he doesn’t want me to see anybody
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else of course by himself but he doesn’t
19:26
want to commit of course
19:28
but can you hear that can you is that is
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that really
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what you’re worth is staying in your box
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waiting for someone to decide that
19:38
they’re ready to come play with you
19:39
you’re right
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think about that
19:42
i love all the comments by the way that
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um
19:45
everyone is writing
19:47
i could see them yeah but you know
19:50
ignore the comments because the truth is
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everyone has an opinion on your
19:55
situation and no one knows how hard it
19:57
is when unless they’re in it we’re all
19:59
good at telling everyone else what they
20:01
should do and leave right now and don’t
20:03
do this don’t do that and then all of a
20:05
sudden we find ourselves all [ __ ] up
20:07
and in love and we start doing really
20:10
different things than we tell everyone
20:11
else to do so ignore the comments this
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is about you it’s not easy doing this is
20:16
not easy you’re in it right now it’s
20:18
your life it’s your feelings it’s your
20:20
emotions but
20:22
that’s
20:23
it’s it’s your heart that we’re
20:24
protecting here and it’s your time and
20:27
your energy and you have to you have to
20:30
love yourself and your time and your
20:32
energy more than to allow someone to
20:35
dictate to you that you should sit there
20:37
and accept less until they decide
20:41
that
20:42
you’re
20:43
someone they want to have a relationship
20:45
with that you that cannot ever be the
20:48
deal you make with someone ever ever
20:50
ever and if he
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um six months from now
20:54
and at that point he wants to have a
20:56
relationship with you
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if you’re still on the market
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okay let’s talk let’s talk again no
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aggression no anger i’m not gonna say no
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to you because i’m angry at you from
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before that’s ego no if you if finally
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you’re in a place where you’re ready and
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i’m ready and i haven’t met someone then
21:14
let’s talk as long as you’re going to
21:15
give me something very different from
21:16
last time
21:17
but
21:18
maybe you won’t be available anymore and
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that unfortunately for him that’s the
21:23
risk he’s taking right now
21:25
but it’s a risk he has to take you’re
21:27
not going to absorb that risk for him by
21:29
hanging around
21:32
you’re right thank you
21:52
you

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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