ASK THE DATING COACH: A romance expert takes your questions on love, lust, and how to find The One.
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I was texting someone on a dating app. She sent me some nudes, and I sent back some R-rated shots. It felt like a great vibe. But it was a scam!
The next message told me to “cooperate” and send $2,000 or else they would send the photos to everyone I know on Facebook, including my mom and my boss.
I sent $250 over a cash app. Should I pay the rest? I feel like such an idiot.
—Anonymous, 39, Chicago
You’re not alone, Anonymous. The crime of sextortion—blackmailing someone by threatening to share explicit images of them—is on the rise. The U.S. Homeland Security received over 3,000 sextortion complaints in 2022, an all-time high in the United States.
So don’t blame yourself. You’re human. Scammers are deviously adept at what they do. They first prey on your innate desire for romantic connection, and then they prey on the shame you would feel if your mother or boss saw those private pics. You were tricked and victimized. It’s not your fault.
As for next steps, do NOT pay this scam artist another penny. Never negotiate with a blackmailer. The more you engage with them, the more they’ll threaten you. Once they know they won’t get another nickel from you, they’ll lose the incentive to share your photos—a threat that was likely an empty one to begin with.
Cease all communications with them. Take screen shots of all of your interactions with them. Report them immediately, first to the relevant dating app, and then to the FBI. (Try 1-800-CALL-FBI.) You can also enter a fraud request with the cash app you used, to try and get your $250 back.
You may be thinking, FBI? I just want this to go away. I hear you. But you have a lot of evidence, from saved screen-shots to the scammer’s online and cash-app handles. Taking your case to the Feds could stop this sociopath from doing this to other men. So pay it forward.
Here are some ways to avoid being a victim of sextortion going forward.
- Never send explicit photos or personal information to anyone you haven’t met IRL.
- If someone you don’t know asks you for personal info or racy photos, say no.
- Report threats by screenshotting any potential evidence. Save all conversations, chats or messages.
Now, if you’re flirting with a new crush, and you’re concerned that their profile is fake, you can run a photo of them through a reverse-image search at www.Tineye.com.
A parting tip: Unless you’re on the Antiques Road Show, never show a stranger your junk.
I’VE HAD BITTER DAYS
I’m almost 30 and I have never had a girlfriend. I feel rejected by women, and also bitter and resentful. If I had been born an attractive woman, I would have a lot of dating options. It’s just not fair.
The thing is, I don’t want to resent women. It bothers me. I feel stuck. I can’t get a girlfriend, and I can’t escape feeling bitter when I see women get fawned over and pursued, without having to work on their dating lives like I’m forced to do.
Why is it so easy for women and so hard for men like me?
—Martin, 30, Los Angeles
I know all about feeling rejected by women, Martin. My 20s was a lonely decade. I attracted only one woman into my life, and I wasn’t all that into her. With no other romantic options, I decided to settle and marry her because that seemed better than being alone. Nine weeks after we tied the knot, she left me for a mustachioed guy on a Harley.
You read that right. Nine weeks. “The marriage was over so fast that we fought for custody of the wedding cake,” I joked to friends at the time. But I was laughing through tears. I felt bitter, rejected and resentful.
Then I read Man’s Search For Meaning, by holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl. In his groundbreaking book, Frankl makes the case that suffering is part of being human. We cannot avoid it. But we can find empowerment and meaning in our struggles. We can transform pain into purpose by asking a simple yet powerful question:
“How is this happening for me, rather than to me?”
My bitterness came from playing the victim. And playing the victim came from asking the wrong questions: “Why me? Why is dating so hard? Why don’t women like me?” The answers came back as, “Because you’re not attractive. Because women are shallow. Because it’s just the way it is.”
Ask a toxic question, get a toxic answer.
But when instead I asked, “How is this happening for me?”, I got a better (not bitter) answer: “This problem is a gift. It’s a call to action to get great at dating, become a better man, and find a loving partner.”
This reframe turned my victim story into a hero’s journey. I embarked on a years-long quest to crack the code of male-female connection. It’s the most important work I’ve ever done on myself, and it’s what led me to a career as a dating coach, helping thousands of good men find love.
My lonely 20s and my failed “marriage” happened FOR me, not TO me.
Martin, when you ask “Why is dating so hard for me?”, I hear the whiff of victimhood in your question. Your pain stems from perceived unfairness. It’s easy for women but hard for me. Therefore, I’m bitter. When you ask, “Why is it so easy for women?”, your answer invites resentment.
So ask a better question: “How is this happening for me, rather than to me?”
Could this be an opportunity to grow? Instead of saying “I’m forced to work on my dating life,” how about realizing “I GET to work on my dating life”?
What a wonderful, vital self-improvement project you get to tackle! You get to build the cathedral of your character. You get to grow more confident. You get to hone social skills that will serve you in multiple life arenas. You get to solve a challenge that, once fixed, will bring romance and love and fulfillment.
Yes, I concede that many women (and plenty of men) have an easier time getting dates than you do. But attractive women have dating problems, too.
I once went on a first date with Rebecca, a bright, beautiful businesswoman I’d met on Bumble. Ever the curious dating coach, I asked to see how many men had “liked” her profile. She held up her phone to reveal 5,000+ wannabe suitors in her cue!
This weighed on her. “It’s overwhelming,” she sighed. “I’m not interested in most of them, and lots of guys I match with just want sex. It’s hard to find a good man.”
Everyone has dating problems.
So stop asking “Why me?” or “Why are women so lucky?” These questions trigger the bitterness and envy you want to escape.
Here are three powerful questions to ask instead.
1: What can I do today to become 1% better as a man?
Don’t underestimate the power of steady, incremental improvement. If you grow as a man just 1 percent every day for a year, in 12 months you’ll end up 37 TIMES more evolved, attractive and date-able.
2: How can I empathize with women’s dating woes?
Empathy is a superpower. It’s almost impossible to simultaneously feel empathy for women and bitterness toward them. Women have to deal with lewd selfies, creeps, stalkers and the threat of sexual violence. To jettison envy, practice empathy.
3: How can I give to women while staying true to myself?
In love as in life, you gotta give in order to get. To get what you want (a great girlfriend), you have to bring something to the table. So practice the art of giving in dating. Get better at flirting, connecting, listening, approaching, and so on. Just make sure you do these things not as a supplicating people-pleaser but as the awesome, authentic man you are at your core.
You’re on a hero’s journey, Martin. Facing and defeating these obstacles will make you a better, more evolved man, while leading you to your soulmate. If I could go from dateless and dumped to a top dating coach, then you can and will find someone wonderful.
Got a dating question for Connell? Email it to [email protected]
Connell Barrett is a dating coach for men, the founder of DatingTransformation.com, a podcaster, and the author of Dating Sucks but You Don’t, a dating guide for men.
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