“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” – Mahatma Gandhi
Every year in June, Father’s Day provides people an opportunity to celebrate and honor a significant man in their lives, but for those with estranged relationships with their respective fathers, it is just another day that comes and goes without much fanfare. Father’s Day used to be one of those holidays that just came and went for me. When I was ten years old, my parents divorced. When my father left our family, my mother took on the incredible burden of somehow raising seven children as a single mom. My father’s absence had a lasting effect on me and I was left with many lingering unanswered questions. Following his departure, my impressionable teenage years were plagued by feelings of resentment, anger, and depression, as well as self-doubt and low self-esteem; emotions that often trouble children of parental abandonment. Being a “Jr.” further complicated the issue because my name was a constant reminder of the man that was no longer a part of my life.
My father’s absence had a lasting effect on me and I was left with many lingering unanswered questions.
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As I grew up, I was fortunate to be able to find other positive male role models (my grandfather, uncles, teachers, coworkers) to fill the void. One thing I learned over the years is that resentment, anger, and animosity only harm the person feeling these emotions, not the person targeted. Forgiveness is an essential part of letting go of the unnecessary negative feelings we so often hold onto during our lifetime. I also learned that if you don’t like something and can’t change it, the only thing you can change is your attitude toward it. Instead of focusing on what my father didn’t give me, I decided to focus on the effect he had on shaping the person I am today, as an English teacher, as a local musician, and as a father myself.
I realized that my father did have an effect on my literary development. Since he had to work two jobs to support our large family, he was never around much when I was a kid. I only saw him when he was either sleeping or in transit, coming or going between jobs. At night around five o’clock night, the sound of his old truck could be heard coming up the road. One of my six brothers or sisters would yell, “Dad’s home!” and a number of us would run to him. I’d grab his black metal lunch box and The New York Daily News from his hand and race toward the house. Knowing my fascination with superheroes, he’d sometimes say things like “There’s a good Spiderman in the paper today.” I’d go to the kitchen table, open his lunchbox, and take out his large thermos from the top section. I’d pour the remaining coffee into the thermos top and anxiously rifle through the paper to get to the comic page. I’d sip the last bit of sweet, lukewarm coffee and read every comic strip on the page (starting with Spiderman, of course). The newspaper comics led to comic books, which led to mythological Greek heroes, the chivalrous Knights of the Round Table, and eventually the tragic heroes of Shakespeare and other literary classics. My love of words, stories, and literature inspired me to become a writer and seek a career teaching high school English.
Forgiveness is an essential part of letting go of the unnecessary negative feelings we so often hold onto during our lifetime.
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My father also had an influence on my path as a musician. It was his old Johnny Cash 8-tracks that had a visceral effect on me and turned me on to a lifelong love of music. My father also brought home old vinyl 45 records from the jukebox at Graham’s Bar on Railroad Street where he worked at night. Ironically, it was music that became my saving grace when I found myself burdened by emotions. Besides wearing out my Beatles records, I spent hours listening to those 45 records from the early seventies in my basement bedroom. Through my love of music, I taught myself how to play the bass guitar and eventually became a local musician, forming a number of successful local bands.
Over the years, I became more aware of who I was and created an identity for myself, I slowly found a better way of viewing my father as a human being, a hard worker, and a personable character to many people who know him. I realized that forgiving my father freed me from the negative feelings that had weighed me down inside for so long and I could acknowledge him as a person rather than the “dad I never had.” When I became a father for the first time, I too felt the awesome responsibility, fear, and anxiety of becoming a parent. I also felt the unbelievable love, joy, and connectedness I had with my son that outweighed any of my selfish notions.
Instead of focusing on what my father didn’t give me, I decided to focus on the effect he had on shaping the person I am today, as an English teacher, as a local musician, and as a father myself.
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Today, I work hard at being the father to my five children that I always wished I had. Whether or not I am successful is something my children will have to determine, but I continue to strive to set a good example for them, which I believe begins with understanding and forgiveness; not only for my father’s absence and lack of parental prowess, but for my own shortcomings as well. My five children have changed me as a person and provided me with reciprocal unconditional love and I now look forward to Father’s Day every year as a day to share with my loving family.
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The following poem by Dick Lourie is from the final scene of the film Smoke Signals (a poignant story about a young Native American man’s journey to come to terms with his father’s death):
How Do We Forgive Our Fathers?
How do we forgive our Fathers?
Maybe in a dream
Do we forgive our Fathers for leaving us too often?
Or forever when we were little?
Maybe for scaring us with unexpected rage
Or making us nervous
Because there never seemed to be any rage there at all.
Do we forgive our Fathers for marrying or not marrying our Mothers?
For Divorcing or not divorcing our Mothers?
And shall we forgive them for their excesses of warmth or coldness?
Shall we forgive them for pushing or leaning
For shutting doors
For speaking through walls
Or never speaking
Or never being silent?
Do we forgive our Fathers in our age or in theirs
Or in their deaths
Saying it to them or not saying it?
If we forgive our Fathers what is left?
Photo by: Paul O’Mahony