Do you like what you see when you look in the mirror?
If the answer is “no”, you are in good company, frankly. Years of brainwashing by Madison Avenue and photoshop has led many, if not MOST of us to believe that our reflection is decidedly not-good-enough.
Ironically, we all enjoy being complimented on our looks whether we believe the compliment or not. Because as much as we try to convince ourselves that it’s our brains and hearts and souls that REALLY matter, as the old joke goes, sometimes it is better to look good than to feel good. Bottom line is a “good hair day” usually turns out to be a good day, period, because that little boost to your confidence flows over into everything you do.
But not every day can be a “good hair day”. And often life is so busy that attention to personal grooming and appearance gets seriously deprioritized. And also, there’s that brainwashing that tells us if we don’t look like Chris Hemsworth or Chrissy Teigen, we might as well not even bother.
If any of this is ringing bells with you, congratulations, you are perfectly normal! However, “normal” and “right” are not always the same thing. If you don’t like what you see when you look in the mirror, that just isn’t right; you are looking at the person you will be spending every minute of the rest of your life with, so you should have a great and supportive relationship.
Speaking of great relationships: how often have you met someone for the first time and made a snap judgment about the way he or she looks? Again, it happens—totally normal, not “right”, but welcome to the human race. Now, suppose this person you made a snap judgment about, good or bad, becomes a regular part of your life?
As you get to know them, as a friend, co-worker or even lover, your perception of how they look changes; someone you thought homely who turns out to be an incredible person becomes more beautiful, someone you found beautiful but is actually cruel is diminished. This happens ALL THE TIME; so much so, that we may not even consciously notice it. But here’s the thing: if this is happening with you for others, it is also happening for others with YOU.
And THAT is where your brain and heart and soul come back into play.
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The truth is, you actually have no idea how other people view you, none. If you could somehow see yourself through the eyes of someone who truly loves you, you would be amazed at how beautiful you can be. But without that capability, theorizing about it doesn’t help too much, does it?
Because most of us have people in our life who willingly extol our virtues and that somehow doesn’t budge the needle of our own self-perception. And, you know, MIRRORS. Also, unrealistic beauty standards for both men AND women.
So what can we do about it?
First of all, we can shift focus. This is something most of us do to our determent all the time; many years ago, I was spending an evening with a close friend and a guy friend of hers who I had never met before. At some point, I felt the need to make a very specific negative observation about my looks.
The next day my friend told me that after I left he said: “Why did she do that? I would never have noticed if she hadn’t pointed it out.” BOOM! Another, even more telling example is the woman, who after years of wanting to have plastic surgery to “correct” a perceived imperfection, discovers that having spent all the money to make that dream come true, NOT A SINGLE PERSON NOTICED (#truestory)!
This is not an argument against plastic surgery or dieting or anything else you choose to do in order to feel good in your body; this is simply to state that nobody scrutinizes you like you do. Nobody else sees you as “imperfect parts”–they see you as a whole, and that is much more than just your physical appearance. The oft-told tale about the husband who doesn’t notice his wife’s new haircut is so ubiquitous because we don’t notice details and pick anyone else apart like we do ourselves.
So now we can use shifting focus to notice what is good—and verbalize it. I know that it feels unnatural and maybe a little embarrassing to say “you have beautiful eyes” to your own reflection, but it is important to make that thought-word connection. Self-help guru Louise Hay recommends looking in the mirror each day and saying “I approve of myself”, and as corny as that sounds, it can start to seriously recalibrate your self-talk in a “fake-it-til-you-make-it” kind of way.
Also, it is a scientifically endorsed belief that what we focus on, we get more of (the rich get richer) so by focusing on what you like about your appearance, you open the playing field to notice even more. Stop accentuating the negative in your self-talk and give yourself the mental boost of a “good hair day” EVERY day by pointing out everything you have got going on that you like.
Even if it feels totally phony, keep at it—it takes 66 days to form a new habit and if you can do this for that long, it is almost certain that what you see in the mirror will shift for the better.
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The second thing you can do is regularly remind yourself how little your looks really matter to others.
Look around the world and see that people who look ALL different ways and weigh all different amounts and have all different body types and facial structures regularly enjoy whatever it is you think you are missing out on by not being conventionally handsome or beautiful. If you think you aren’t successful, or can’t get a date, or can’t catch a break because of how you look? You are actually just making excuses; again, all kinds of people are successful and happily engaged in committed relationships, so that is definitely NOT the real problem (sorry, I’m right about that).
The fact of the matter is, we often use our looks (or weight, or financial situation) as a scapegoat for what is really troubling us, and that is our internal life. If you don’t feel good in your own psyche, there is no way you can feel good in your own skin, even if you look like a supermodel. When we don’t want to do the work on our inner selves, it is easy and convenient to blame our appearance or circumstances.
The most important thing you can do to improve not only how you feel about how you look, but how others perceive you is to FEED your SOUL. What does that mean? It means to hone in on activities, people, places and things that bring you genuine joy and revel in them.
If you are a painter, paint; a singer should sing. If working in the garden is your jam, prioritize it. If the beach revitalizes you, get out there.
Do the things that make you feel good on the inside and that will reflect on the outside, more so than any diet or beauty treatment you can find. Think about the most genuinely attractive people you know and what do they have in common? They don’t look alike, so it’s not that—they are lit up on the inside by some passion, some dream, some goal—there is fire in their souls and that is reflected in everything they do.
Find your fire. Light up the world. And no matter what you look like, I guarantee you will be glorious.
And then when you look in the mirror, you will see yourself through the eyes of someone who truly loves you. You will be amazed at how beautiful you are.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock