It’s always the same story.
Things are going well. The conversation is fun, flirtatious, and a mutual turn-on. We have discussed plans to hook up. Maybe I’m over at his house.
Then it happens.
His hand goes to my throat and stays there. I move it immediately, but for me, there goes the mood. He’s just revealed himself to be the kind of guy that tries to choke women without permission.
Or, he approaches my body and clearly eyes my rear end. We’ve discussed this. I repeat myself firmly: no. He looks disappointed. I feel like an object.
He moves my body around like a toy and seems to get off on the high of power rather than experiencing sex as a mutual act we do together. Or, he has unspoken but perfectly clear expectations of me that do not apply to him, expectations that he gets to orgasm and I should do everything possible to make it happen, or expectations of oral that are not returned.
Maybe things have not even progressed to that point.
The guys who insist on fantasizing about sex acts, out loud, that I have already said no to. Who think it’s cute or playful when they push back against my stated boundaries.
I’m a trauma survivor. This shit is not cute. This shit is triggering.
These men act like my body already belongs to them. Like agreeing to discuss hooking up means opening myself to becoming an object in their fantasies, no matter how degrading. Like agreeing to “sex” means agreeing to whatever they want, whenever they want it.
Fantasies of this kind of entitlement are understandable. Expressing those fantasies to someone you have never met in person, after she has already said no, is despicable.
This particular woman that I am, I have very clear and specific boundaries. Following these boundaries is what allows me, a survivor of incest and sexual assault, to even have sex in the first place. When these boundaries are violated, I feel more than grossed out. I feel unsafe.
It is beyond clear that these men do not care about my safety. It is clear they do not care about how I feel, either. Yet without that basic, human level of care, why should I allow their body to come close to mine in one of the most intimate acts on this planet? Why should I welcome sexual intimacy with somebody who demonstrates neither respect nor concern for my basic well-being?
I see nothing wrong with being a woman who wants to hook up. However. Increasingly, the price is higher than I am willing to pay.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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Photo credit: Matt W Newman on Unsplash