As a former teacher at an all-girls school, along with other schools that included girls, I learned a lot from my female students. They were my surrogate daughters for the short time we spent together. I would say that they filled a void, but that doesn’t quite capture my feelings for them. It would be better to say that they kept me from falling into one.
It’s no secret that positive male-female relationships are hard to come by these days. Maybe this has always been the case, but the media can make it seem like one half of humanity is at war with the other. Likewise, there were times I felt at war with my female students. We looked different, spoke in a different way, wore different uniforms, wanted different things, wanted more control, and so on. I could serve as a role model to a certain extent, but my female students could not aspire to be like me in the way a male student could (not that I wanted or expected this). At worst, though, they could learn the rudiments from me: grammar, punctuation, literary elements, narrative structure, thesis statements, how to sit in a chair, how to look straight ahead, etc. When I got bored with the curricular lessons, they could learn a non-stereotypical suburban white man’s views on gender, race, class, school rules, and other touchy subjects (yes, I often digressed in this way and got away with it.
I doubt I reminded them much of their fathers. If I did, I don’t think they ever said so. I never liked being seen in such a way—too much responsibility. If I were to be perceived as more than their teacher, I always preferred a role akin to the “cool uncle.” I had a “cool uncle,” but I never really had a father. But I digress.
My female students reminded me of how important it is to be not only a responsible man but also a good man. A good man in the sense that I could not be the strong male figure they relied on during school hours in an active shooter situation if I could not manage the crises in my personal life. While my students did not know details, they knew my emotions. I am easy to read, and women tend to be quite competent in the emotional realm.
What they didn’t know is that sometimes the best way to care is to remove yourself from the situation. I removed myself from my relationship, and I removed myself from the classroom. I have read stories of men who had the guts to manage tough relationships and work through tough jobs. Many did this stoically, perhaps out of a sense of duty, even though they were being torn apart a little more each day. That’s fine for those who take pride in suffering or who can tolerate a mountain of it. I don’t and I can’t. I was ready to explode.
I’ve also read stories of seemingly mild-mannered and “normal” men who snap and cause irreparable harm to themselves and others. During the time I was unraveling, I read about one who murdered a stranger for cutting him in line at the bank. He had no history of violence. It was the last straw in a long line of them.
Rather than snap, I walked away.
I did this because I could not let my students see me as less than a source of support and stability. Many of my students lacked this in their homes, and many had violent and abusive fathers. They told me as much—in conversation or in writing. I could let them go, but I couldn’t let them down. Every day that I get up in the morning and try to be a better man, it’s for them. I have no life-partner to judge me, no boss breathing down my neck, and no familial example to follow. I have no kids on my own who rely on me. But I do have my students—especially the female ones—still present in my memory with their giggles, stares, and insights. It’s their evaluation that carries the most weight.
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Lady Number 4: What I Learned from My Abusive Ex
Lady Number 5: How AOC Bewitched Me
Lady Number 6: The Animated Woman of My Dreams
Lady Number 7: The Perfect First Kiss
Lady Number 8: Why a Straight Guy Needs a Female Friend
Lady Number 9: To Lady Love, the Valentine Who Never Was
Lady Number 10: The One Who Got Away—and Tried to Do Me Over
Lady Number 11: A Very Close Flight Connection
Lady Number 12: Damsel in Distress
Lady Number 15: Xena Warrior Princess
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