Although human attraction still remains a mystery to a certain degree, we all know by now that love is a matter of choice. You choose who you date, who you love, and who you share your life with.
“You can’t choose who you love” is a bad, yet extremely convenient excuse for people who get stuck in similar toxic dating patterns, always end up with dysfunctional and unfulfilling relationships, and are unwilling to identify their problems, work on themselves and improve their romantic choices.
If those things sound familiar, you might be wondering whether you are doomed to an eternally unfulfilling love life. Of course you’re not. Once you recognize and accept that you’re stuck in toxic dating patterns, with work and patience you can turn things around.
Here’s how you can avoid choosing badly in love.
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#1. Let Go of the Fear To Be Single
Since humans are social beings, it’s not that difficult to understand why you would feel uncomfortable with the idea of being single. Social media and society’s standards don’t help either: most people hold the belief that singlehood equals being miserable, lonely, and most of the time, depressed.
And don’t let me start on the classic stereotype that you need to find a life partner before you are in your 30’s, when you are considered “too old”.
The problem with the fear of being single is that, most of the time, makes you choose badly in love, by rushing into a relationship when you’re not emotionally ready or choosing the wrong partners for you.
As Marisa T. Cohen explains in her article in Psychology Today:
“People who fear being alone may stay in unfulfilling relationships or may be quick to rush into relationships that are not ideal. In essence, people may focus more on their relationship status than the relationship itself, which is very problematic.”
How to do it: You can’t always be in a search of your next relationship; you need to be comfortable being alone for a while. To help you do that, try to think about the fact that being single comes with a lot of benefits, such as:
- learning to be independent and autonomous
- investing in your personal growth
- having more time to connect with friends and family
- being able to focus more on your career
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2. Start Valuing Yourself More
Psychologists have long ago linked low self-esteem with dysfunctional relationships and poor romantic choices. For example, low self-esteem can make you:
- seek insecurity in your relationships
- form a relationship with someone you’re not particularly attracted to just because you think you won’t be able to find someone else
- run away from secure, stable relationships
Clinical psychologist Suzanne Lachmann elaborates:
“Because you are familiar with situations that create low self-esteem — being left, being cheated on, etc. — you gravitate toward relationships in which you’re able to feel this familiar insecurity. When it’s not there, you may even create it. If the relationship becomes too secure, you may become disinterested and bored and you may stray.”
How to do it: Learning to value yourself more is a long time process and one that takes a lot of effort and patience. You can definitely achieve it, but it doesn’t happen overnight. Some small steps you can take are:
- Stop comparing yourself to others.
- Identify and silence your inner critic.
- Stop measuring your worth according to other people’s standards.
- Grab every opportunity to invest in your personal growth (books, workshops, seminars, meditation, therapy.
#3. Study Your Childhood
I’ve written before that studying your childhood is one of the most important relationship skills you could ever develop.
The reason being, when it comes to relationships, everything is connected and can be traced back to our childhood. Our childhood experiences, and especially our childhood trauma lay the groundwork for our love lives as adults.
Taking a deeper look back at your childhood experiences can help you identify your attachment style, understand your communication patterns, and recognize your emotional trauma, which in turn will:
- identify your dating patterns
- make it easier to understand yourself
- discover what drives your reactions and how you filter your emotions
- heal your trauma so it doesn’t affect your love life anymore
How to do it: Exploring your childhood is always easier with the help of a therapist, who’ll know how to guide you, which questions to ask, etc, so I highly recommend going to one. However, if you’re not yet ready you can:
- Start by learning your ACE score here, which can help indicate the depth of your childhood wounds.
- Read a self-help book focused on trauma like Overcoming Childhood Trauma by Helen Kennerley, Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nakazawa, It Didn’t Start with You by Mark Wolynn, or Trauma is Really Strange by Steve Haines.
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#4. Let Go Of the Desire To Change People
One of the reasons people tend to choose poorly in love is their desire to change and “fix” people.
As a consequence, they are attracted to and form dysfunctional relationships with emotionally unavailable people, drug addicts, or narcissists, in the hopes that they will magically make them change.
This desire usually stems from your “wounded self.” As marriage and family therapist Jodee Virgo explains in her article:
“The wounded self is the part of you that feels incomplete or damaged; it is the part that makes you question your worth or makes you think you are flawed in some way, always wondering if you are worth loving. When you put your energy into helping your partner heal from their issues it is a way of unconsciously acting out how you wish to be treated.”
When I was younger, the thought that someone would fall in love with me so hard that they would completely change themselves for the better, seemed attractive, exciting, and pretty romantic. I learned the hard way, however, that trying to change someone who doesn’t really want to change is a waste of time and emotional energy.
The only person you can change is yourself.
How to do it:
- Learn to love and value yourself more, indulge in personal growth activities that will increase your self-esteem, and generally focus on yourself instead of other people.
- Either accept people for what they are, or don’t invite them into your life.
- Avoid people who have a reputation of being difficult, emotionally unavailable, and exhibit toxic or narcissistic characteristics.
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Final Thoughts
If you have noticed that you always make poor romantic choices, congrats! Acceptance is the first step to improving your situation, and you have already taken it.
Don’t worry, you’re not silly, cursed, or doomed to an unhappy, unfulfilling tragic love life.
You can change things, as long as:
- you’re completely honest with yourself
- you’re willing to change your habits, tendencies, actions, and thoughts
- you’re willing to put in some effort
- you have patience
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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