A couple of weeks ago. Someone I crushed on told me, “Do your thing and I’ll do mine.”
I couldn’t think straight for the next 40+ hours. Spiraling into a mixture of humiliation, anger, resentment, anxiety, and curiosity. What, she doesn’t think I’m good enough for her? Am I just not her type? Who the hell does she think she is? But she displayed so much interest. I guess I was wrong.
I haven’t even fallen deep for her. Yet, this felt worse than a breakup. It was the punch to my self-esteem that hurt the most.
Rejection is often about ego. To get over it, one has to redeem themselves internally.
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It has very little to do with you
Rejection doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough; it means the other person failed to notice what you have to offer.
— Mark Amend
The first thing people do after being rejected is pointing the finger at themselves. Asking the person in the mirror why you aren’t taller? Why can’t you be smarter? In reality, you aren’t the problem.
Imagine yourself on the other end. You saying “no” to someone doesn’t necessarily indicate that there’s something wrong with them. They may be a wonderful person. Yet, you simply don’t feel a spark between the two of you. There’s no need to further punish yourself by deeming yourself unworthy.
You’re an attractive person, don’t second-guess. You didn’t fail. Relationships sometimes just come down to fit.
Don’t try to figure out what went wrong
The first thing I did after the door slam was analyzing our text messages. Trying to figure out when conversations started going south. After hours of repeated examination, I was still without a clue. There could have been a billion reasons. Maybe I offended her with my joke. Perhaps I acted too needy, over apologizing. Whatever it was, I have no way to truly knowing.
This’s the problem. Not only will I never find out why, but those details no longer matter. What I should have done was let go to move on.
Many of us overthink and blame ourselves for rejections and failed relationships. Serving no purpose aside from compounding additional pain. What you really need is a shift in focus. Put your time and energy elsewhere. Be around people. Engage in our hobbies. Eat better. Sleep better. That’s the first step to easing your pain. Avoid all contact with the person who rejected you:
- unfollow their social media page
- delete their number and photos if you need to
- quit talking about them with your friends
- avoid running into them
Cry about them for a few days. But don’t get stuck wondering what they’re thinking or ‘what if.’ A plentiful life is waiting ahead for you.
The next step is to concentrate on yourself
Once you stop making a big deal out of your minor fall, start attending your own priorities. The best thing about rejection is that — it’s an opportunity to reflect and improve.
Never lose yourself while trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t care about losing you.
Nevermind what the other person failed to see in you. Ask yourself, what areas can I improve? My confidence? Career? Social Circle? Don’t let your pain go to waste. It’s not about proving yourself worthy to them. But rather becoming a better version of yourself. For you.
Start building momentum in your own life, one step at a time. The beginning is the most difficult. That’s when you seek the support of friends and family. Google and Youtube people with similar experiences and let them inspire you to get back up — that worked wonders for me.
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Occupying yourself with meaningful tasks will also distract you from lingering residue. My issue was that I had too much free time on my hands. Combined with not putting myself around other people.
But I get it. If you fell hard for the other person, you’ll reminisce about them regardless of what you’re doing. You could be driving and thinking about your times together. Making coffee and drowning in sorrow. Nothing fully distracts you.
Just remember this, it’s temporary. The cut is deep on the first few days or weeks. But given enough patience, the intensity fades away. You’ll return to your normal self soon. Just let some time pass.
Self-love is your strongest medicine
Upgrade yourself for the sake of your own future. At some point, you should have forgotten about the person who rejected you. You would have met new friends and partners. Absorbed by your career. Having so much fun that you’ve already flipped the page. Whether they’re dating someone else, married, or completely forgotten your existence. Their status is irrelevant to you.
That’s the true victory. Building your life to a point when you don’t even care about revenge anymore because you’ve become emotionally detached from the thief who left you a broken heart.
To get there, you must remember to love yourself. People who don’t want you do not belong in your life, no matter how much you like them. Everybody faces rejection — even the beautiful, rich, and famous stars.
However, you can never reject yourself. And loving someone who doesn’t appreciate you is a form of self-rejection. Self-rejection is infinitely more pitiful than rejection by another person.
Summarizing the steps to getting over rejection
Rejection is a cold, sour, and bitter lemon to swallow. Because your pride is at stake. But here are the heartbreak combatting steps to make it a little easier:
First, acknowledge that there’s nothing inherently wrong with you. Then steer yourself away from the other person. Next, start investing in your own life. Finally, don’t forget to love yourself to the fullest.
It’s critical to continue working on yourself. Building a strong sense of self allows you to keep trying despite rejections — that’s the ultimate goal.
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This post was previously published on Medium.com.
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