I’ll share something that dismissive avoidants don’t want you to know.
It is not manipulative or a tricky tactic to gain leverage in your relationship.
It is a knowledge set that will give an understanding of how your partner’s mind works.
We all have beliefs, morals, behaviors, and characteristics that mix and represent us as individuals.
We also have a set of predetermined beliefs, morals, behaviors, and characteristics that come from our attachment style.
The dismissive-avoidant operates differently than the other attachment styles because they struggle internally and don’t show feelings through outbursts.
When people are in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant, you often hear, “they are hard to get a read on,” or “there is so much I don’t think I know about them.”
If you are in the honeymoon or power struggle phase of a relationship with a dismissive avoidant, I’ll show you how to set yourself up for the best future outcome and get your partner to fall in love with you.
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Grab a shoehorn
The first step in navigating your partner’s attachment style is to put yourself in their shoes.
I know this sounds obvious, but when most people do this act, it is with the desired outcome for themselves, not to understand their partner.
The dismissive-avoidant needs to feel like you understand that their need for independence is separate from their desire to be with you.
It sounds backward, but when you give them space, they won’t feel the need to retreat.
They want to trust that their need for space won’t be intruded upon or taken personally.
The dismissive-avoidant mind works in the “give what I get” fashion.
The second they feel like they are going down a one-way street, they will take the next available turn and retreat to themselves.
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Lights, Camera, action
The second they feel like they are going down a one-way street, they will take the next available turn and retreat to themselves.
You may notice that pieces of the relationship are simple for you compared to your partner.
While your partner is growing out of their dismissive-avoidant style, they need to feel like you are working with them in their journey.
You probably feel like sharing feelings, conflict resolution, and intimacy are areas where they can improve.
What will help you both and be most effective is to create an action item that will allow you to grow in this area.
A dismissive-avoidant won’t respond well if it feels like an accusation or a heavy weight on their shoulders.
They will respond well when there is an action item behind your need for them to improve in growth areas.
Remember, it is a relationship, not a be-perfect ship.
Setting aside a “weekly check-in” is a great way to express feelings. No, that does not mean this will be your only opportunity.
It is a way for your partner to understand how you communicate feelings, then you’ll be able to do so outside of the check-in.
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Patience is key
The dismissive-avoidant has to move slowly to feel like they are processing the relationship correctly.
It will feel like rejection, but they’re building security within themselves and with you.
It sounds contradictory but bear with me here. The dismissive-avoidant has a tough time being vulnerable.
When they feel like their vulnerability does not receive a positive response, they will become more closed off.
You have to give them time to build trust with you. They want to be able to share details about their life with you and let that wall down.
Do not rush that process because it is easier on your end.
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Pat on the back
Your partner does not necessarily need a cheerleader. They need to feel acknowledged for the good things they do for you.
Once your partner opens up, they will happily do things centered on improving your relationship.
Resentment can grow when they don’t feel appreciated for their efforts.
All they need is acknowledgment.
The dismissive-avoidant can struggle with the pressure and weight that a relationship can bring to their life.
Once they feel like you have confidence in them, then they will have the same for you.
Frequently pointing out their flaws and not the good things they do for you will end the relationship there.
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Mixing the elements above, you can formulate a quick recipe for success.
I know it can feel like you are fighting an uphill battle with your dismissive avoidant partner.
I promise when you attack these pillars above, you will see that you have a partner that is eager to connect with you.
It takes time. As I love to say, let the cookies bake, and don’t take them out of the oven too early.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Oziel Gómez on Unsplash