Red flags are the new buzzword that society has coined in the last couple of years, and when it comes to dating, it’s mainly about people with issues they haven’t dealt with. It’s a phrase that’s always been used, but right now, it’s a popular term cause as the story goes. One person posts about it, it goes viral, and then everyone does the culture vulture thing and jumps on that trend. So me being the cliched culture vulture I am, I figured I’d jump on that trend too.
But seriously, there are some real reasons why red flags should not be ignored, my friends. It goes deeper than a modern hyperbolic “trend” term.
It turns out that keeping an eye out for these crimson warning signs has its perks! For one, it’s a fantastic way to ensure that we’re taking care of numero uno (that’s you). Tuning into these alerts not only helps you steer clear of emotional and mental minefields but also hones your intuition like a razor-sharp ninja sword. You’ll be slicing through manipulative tactics, setting up boundaries like a pro, and avoiding toxic situations like it’s going out of style.
But wait, there’s more! Once you’ve mastered the art of red flag detection, you’ll be like a relationship Jedi, gracefully managing your emotions and learning from your past escapades. Forget repeating mistakes; you’ll be waltzing toward healthier, more fulfilling connections, all while chuckling at the gaslighters left in your wake. By the end of this article, you’ll be armed with the knowledge and charisma to navigate the rollercoaster of dating life like a boss.
1. They talk bad about their ex:
Ever been on a date with a man, and he just constantly goes on about how all his exes were “terrible women” and “narcisists” A term that’s very overused btw. Especially because we’re all narcissists. Narcissism is a spectrum, and we’re all on it; some are higher than others, and some are lower. So people labeling their exes as narcissists is laughable to me.
Anyone who apparently left a terrible relationship, where the other person is all the bad things in the world. But they see themselves in a way where the sun apparently shines out their arse either has no sense of any accountability, or they’re completely deluded and not remotely self-aware. Neither of these is a good thing. I’ve had relationships where I would definitely put a lot of blame on them, but even so, still know all the things I messed up on and what I could have done better. I’ve also had relationships where I’m mostly at fault, and she most definitely deserved better. In both scenarios, there wasn’t a shred of me that denied any culpability. What good does it do for anyone to bemoan their ex? There’s nothing you can do to change the past or their behavior. But you can always fix yours.
Anyone man who comes with that story metaphorically tattooed to their head bares a huge sign that you, too, will be labeled the next villain in his made-up story.
2. Reciprocity
I bark about this a lot and will continue to go on about this till the cows come home. Reciprocity is everything.
Everything!
If men can’t do the bare minimum of giving you a bit of reciprocity, then this is a sign they don’t really care.
I’ll give you some examples of bad reciprocity and why you should avoid it.
You text him good morning and ask how his mornings going. He responds and says it’s going great. But doesn’t even ask you how yours is going. This is basic; if he’s not doing that, it’s game over in the long run.
In that same theme, questions in general. When you’re face to face and asking him questions about himself, and he doesn’t really try and get to know you. It means either he’s so self-involved and far up his arse he doesn’t even know basic social dynamics, or he just doesn’t really think about anyone but himself enough to even think about asking you questions.
Any man who doesn’t match your energy and put himself out there for you as much as you put yourself out for him is most definitely not worth your time.
Engaging with a man who doesn’t reciprocate your interest in getting to know them is like trying to have a conversation with a parrot. You can ask questions and share your thoughts. Still, all you’ll get in return is a repetitive echo of their own thoughts and interests, leaving you feeling like you’re chatting with a self-obsessed feathered friend rather than a genuinely interested companion. Let the damn parrot stay perched on its own self-centered branch and seek out conversations with those who truly value the give-and-take of a meaningful connection.
3. Genuine
I never thought we’d live in a day where finding someone genuine is one of the rarest commodities. Everyone’s got an angle. Everyone has a brand, an intention to take rather than give. The nomenclature is now “what can you do for me” instead of “how are you doing?”.
Authenticity is at an all-time low. I can’t begin to tell you how many men my female friends have been on first dates with, and they couldn’t be honest with what they’re really looking for or what they really want. They’d have to ask deeper questions until they finally gave them some resemblance of vulnerability.
Instead, women are often on dates with men that shamelessly brag or plug all of their accomplishments and success. “I have a car, I have an amazing job, loads of friends, and a huge social media following”. Don’t get me wrong, this hasn’t been every first date for them I’m sure but a large majority of them. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to realize who is genuine and sincere or sometimes paper-thin personalities. Avoid these men.
Lastly
4. Punctuality.
What do I mean by that? I mean punctuality of everything.
How long do they take to respond to texts?
How long do they take to respond to missed phone calls if they do?
Are they a man of their word?
Do they cancel?
Constantly reschedule?
These are all red flags to avoid with MEN!
But there’s a catch to this article, and it’s the point of why I wrote this article.
This whole “red flags to avoid with men” is a stupid title. Why? Because everything I wrote can be applied to women. EVERYTHING. Men are not perfect, and they make mistakes. Just like women are not perfect, and they make mistakes. Shitty people just exist in general. Red flags are personal to you, and you have the luxury of deciding what you like and don’t like.
So why do people constantly bombard us with their widely biased and myopic hot takes on “Why women like this and that” or why “men like a,b and c”. I honestly can’t stand reading a hot-take article that can be applied to either gender and then putting all the blame on either the woman or the man. It’s not real life.
When I coach and guide men toward self-empowerment, a lot of that energy goes towards focusing on retraining their reflexes from assigning blame to women who have hurt them to accepting responsibility for everything that is happening in their lives first.
What a lot of these writers might be missing out on is this simple truth. As long as you blame men for whatever is not working, you remain stuck in victim mode, unable to initiate change. It is only once we recognize our contribution to our current circumstances that we can step into our power to make the necessary changes. To find someone who is truly spectacular.
But you won’t find that with statements explaining why men are the problem in societies dating universe.
We all clearly have work to do on both sides. I truly believe this.
Letting go of these destructive thought processes, communication, and behaviors is an essential process for healthier and happier relationships between men and women. Stop reading these hateful pieces. They do nothing to help but only divide.
Trust me, I’ve read countless psychological studies and survey results after survey results, experiment after experiment, and they all prove that what makes life worth living are the deep connections that we create with other people, in this case, your potential partner.
Misery loves company, and pieces that bash men or women are usually written by someone who’s pretty miserable themselves. They get it off their chest by writing about it. That’s their way of coping, but it doesn’t have to be yours.
When people blame all men for the state of their dating life, they ignore to what extent they have any responsibility. Is that not a sign you’re reading from a “false prophet?”. Allow yourself to be willing to release the feelings of hate, distrust, and blame that permeate your mind for the opposite sex. It helps and solves NOTHING.
Women and men have now and will always be a lovely complement to each other. For that quintessential harmonious existence and perpetuation of the best romantic life, we need both.
You’ll never get that if you blame one side of potential partnerships for all your problems.
We’re all in this together.
Thanks for reading.
T.H.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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