Dear Valued Employees,
Upper management has noticed there has been a plethora of unexcused absences since the apocalypse began. This is a reminder that fire falling from the sky is not a reason to not come to work! We have a duty to shareholders in their survival bunkers regardless of the size of the death meteor hurtling toward Earth.
Furthermore, if you do get bit by a zombie, you may not miss your shift without a DOCTOR’S NOTE! And this doesn’t mean a note from your cannibal neighbor Carl. It doesn’t matter if Carl is a “good dude,” and “really knows anatomy.” Your inability to find a doctor, because they’ve all been killed by the alien virus, is a problem you need to solve outside of working hours.
HR has also been asked to notify everyone of upcoming layoffs. It’s been a really tough year, and although we have record canned bean profits, we have to optimize our verticals. Before you head out into the wasteland, make sure you return any company property like your computer, work ID, and holy water.
Notice in your separation agreement that the company has graciously provided you with resources that you can use to survive the demon portal that just opened up. In this packet, you will find instructions for proper networking, contact information for professional organizations, and a packet of Uncle Joe’s Barbecue seasoning. Give the seasoning to Carl, he’ll know what to do.
For those that remain, it is essential that you keep track of your time sheets so that we may bill the proper overlords. Failure to fill out your timesheets will result in a performance improvement plan in the pit of despair. We want to caution each employee that you get two warnings before dismemberment.
On an unrelated note: Carl will be catering the next company-wide picnic. Bring your appetites and juicy fat friends!
We are also announcing a change in our healthcare coverage as the planet’s orbit has become unstable and we drift into the sun. This shitshow is just about done, but we want to show our commitment to our wonderfully expendable employees during this time of crisis. Sunscreen, SPF 5, will now be covered in all plans. Should you reach your deductible of one million cases of canned beans, the company will cover the sunscreen. There is also no need to any longer have a lifetime cap on your health insurance as many of you only have about an hour left to live anyway. Please remember to turn in your timesheets before the end of the world.
Finally, let us also take a minute to recognize the hard work of all the executives that have just fled to the space station. Their thought leadership has been instrumental in exploiting you for their own survival. Without their outside-the-box thinking, and your virgin sacrifices to the old gods, the company could not have flourished. Your contributions will be quickly forgotten as they make plans to colonize and exploit another planet. Remember, a team that works hard together, plays hard together, or some shit. Honestly, HR is beyond caring at this point.
We want to again remind you that the apocalypse is not an excuse for missing work. Feels like we should just throw that out there again to rub salt in the wound. Which, the company now requires you to do in the last moments of your life.
Before we sign off and your souls are sucked into another dimension that is fueled by chaos and fear, know that the company thinks of you as family. So much so that they have decided to provide FREE childcare to all employees. Some may call this kidnapping, but we prefer to think of it as alternative resource management. The machines that are taking over the space station have seen the movie The Matrix and well, things are progressing along, as they say.
Again, thank you for all your hard work. Especially Carl for keeping us all well-fed and helping with the downsizing. (Ask about his chili recipe!)
Sincerely,
HR
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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