A proposition leaves a young man feeling conflicted, regretful.
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This is a story about a man in his 20’s who believed he missed a chance to sleep with his professor, a woman in her 40’s.
The only things I’ll reveal about the guy who told it is that we both knew each other as college students and still communicate very often today. This person is not my student and not in any way affiliated with the college where I currently teach English. The events took place in the early 90’s, in a major city.
I remembered this story after a passive aggressive guy—he walks the line between acquaintance and adversary—took issue with one of my previous articles, 5 Annoying Things Male Teachers Hear. His problem was that I said there’s really nothing special about “spending time” with “lots of single women”. “Come on,” he scoffed, “It’s gotta be at least part of why a guy goes into teaching.”
That episode, short at it was, triggered the memory of a conversation I had with a guy I’ll call Bill.
I’ll just let him do the talking. I spoke to him over coffee one afternoon. Our conversation occurred about two years after the time the incidents he describes took place:
I took this class my second semester in college. At the end of the last week, you could go to the professor’s office hours for a conference to find out your grade. If you missed the conference, you had to wait for your report card. I went because—I dunno—I thought maybe she would feel bad telling me to my face that I’m failing.
I had to wait in line behind a bunch of kiss-ups, people who always had something to say in class and agreed 100% with this professor’s points, even if they were ass-head stupid. Those people were so fake, talking how it ‘really makes a difference’ when you sit in the first row, and ‘you gotta do what you gotta do to get the grade,’ that kind of thing.
It was finally my turn to go in her office. The whole place was spiffed up, flowers on the desk, ceramic pots maybe from India or Sri Lanka or something, and this yin and yang symbol on the wall, pretty cheesy.
She asked me to remind her my name, and then she said right now I’m getting a D.
I was pretty jacked.
I didn’t pay attention at my college orientation, and I didn’t read any of the college course books or catalogs, so I didn’t know a D was more or less a failing grade. I thought I totally made the right move coming to this conference because she would have failed me for sure. So I said, ‘That’s pretty awesome! Okay, have a good summer,’ and I was ready to go.
‘Wait,’ she said. ‘Don’t you want to do something about it, Billy?’
‘I’m kinda fine with it, actually. I hate doing extra work.’
So right there she goes, ‘That’s not the only thing you can do, Billy’
‘There’s more?’
‘Of course.’
‘Like what?’
She said we could discuss things in an adult manner. She started talking about meeting off campus. Like in a place where they play music, or this café that always had film night. She said we could discuss things like adults.
I knew I had to make the decision right there. There’s no way to come back to the office or call her up and say, ‘Yeah, I decided film night’s a good idea. Like, they got The Wrath of Khan next week, so let’s go.’ I had to tell her and give her my number or make a date right then and there.
I got butterflies. She had this gentle smile, and all of a sudden I was looking at her completely different. Could I sleep with her? Why not? Sure, I could. This professor lady, all of a sudden, she wasn’t bad looking, now that I was looking at her different.
But I chickened out. I said, ‘Sorry, no, a D is okay for me.’ And I left the office. I went down to the student union and told some of the guys, ‘Hey, I think my professor gave me a chance to screw her,’ and they all said, ‘Yeah, bullshit.’
Now I kinda wish I would have gone through with it. Just to know for sure what it was all about. And also to see what the difference was between this ‘professor’ in the classroom and the woman taking a 19 year-old back to her place. What’s she like when her classroom show’s over? Must be a reason for these end-of-semester conferences, eh?
I guess I also wish I would have backed out because of a principle or some fortitude, not butterflies and feeling uncertain about myself. I wish I could have had the brains and wits to see what’s going on and say, ‘No, this corruption will not stand. This manipulation will not stand.’ But I didn’t have that, and it never even crossed my mind.
I missed out on a lot just because I was clueless, without any idea what I was doing or what the hell college was really all about. Things got a bit odd with this professor and I withdrew, got cowardly. That’s what leaves me the most uneasy, that the whole thing still makes me feel like a coward.
Another thing I think about is this. Did she try these moves on any guy who was failing her class, or was it something about me that made her think, ‘Yeah, this one.’? I wish I could know what that is so I could use it or understand it. Is it a good thing about me, or is it something really negative?
Photo by Jirka Matousek
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True Community runs each Wednesday. Gint Aras explores his experiences as an instructor in a community college that serves a lower-middle to lower class district in Chicagoland.
Previous True Community articles:
How To Teach a Man or a Boy
The Young Man With No Guests At Commencement
I Had To Kill A Guy At Work Yesterday
Top 3 Education Myths and How They Affect Men
I think that young man was very lucky, it could easily have gone south in a hurry if she had taken offense to being rejected, but then again, perhaps she did this to a lot of her students and had already gotten somene else to sleep with her.
IMHO, what she did was both morally and legally wrong, this was sexual harrassment imho.
Thank you so much for sharing this. First of all. I firmly believe that the vast majority of of guys around their early twenties would have acted the same. Backing off due to “butterflies” or insecurities, and not calling her out for it or even thinking about doing it. Second. I also believe that the vast vast majority of men, of most any age, would have similar feelings of a woman, any woman, unexpectedly coming on to him. “Huh? Why me? Is it really something about me that she actually found attractive? Then what was it? Or did she just… Read more »