I Was Happily Married. Then My Husband Asked For Divorce. Why?

DOES THIS SOUND LIKE YOU?

Some women get blind-sided. They search desperately for the texts that aren’t there. The phones don’t ring late at night. Surprise late night visits to the office yield nothing but an overworked husband. You’re searching for any evidence there’s another. It’s impossible to accept maybe there isn’t. You were perfect. Now he wants a divorce.

Maybe that’s the problem.

I was that man. The man who blind-sided his wife.

I can give you some insight. I can reveal to you what might make him ask for a divorce. It’s a combination of things. These things will surprise you. They will also frustrate you. Sometimes it’s what easily overlooked which compounds into something you can’t refuse to stop staring at.

LACK OF CONFLICT

Many dream of a relationship with no disagreement. You hold hands. You smile. You laugh together. Affection never ceases. Maybe it’s not perfection what you have. He’s a great provider. He’s a wonderful father. He’s ambitious. He always respects you. You all are a perfect match! Well, it might be something else.

Imagine a nine-and-a-half-year relationship where you can’t remember one argument. You cannot remember one fight. You cannot think of any inappropriate words exchanged.

That was my relationship.

Well…at least that’s what it looked like.

In truth, it was a combination of low self-esteem with head strong attitude. How? I’ll explain.

At the end of my relationship, I made a comment to my ex-wife. I said the following two statements.

“I don’t believe you love me,” and “I feel like you are a stranger.”

These two things hurt. These two things were true. It wasn’t meant to hurt. It was meant to reveal that lack of conflict meant she never expressed her beliefs. I had no idea who she was because she never spoke up. One day she started acting like who she was, and it scared me to no end. Who was this woman?

WHAT NO ACTUALLY CONFLICT MEANS

Whether it was my actions to create an environment where she felt she couldn’t express her beliefs or her desire to keep quiet it didn’t matter. She never told me who she really was. She only acted the way I wanted. Waking up to someone I didn’t know was scary. Combined with overwhelming legal pressure, financial issues, and personal issues I became overwhelmed.

Without conflict we couldn’t speak our true opinions. Without conflict we couldn’t really get to know each other. Without conflict I couldn’t see if she would really care for me when I was vulnerable.

Trust me there is no more vulnerable position than being wrong or finding out a view you had for all your life was wrong.

I decided one day to leave before she left me. Since I didn’t know who she was I couldn’t ascertain what she would do in our hard times. I was going through a lot. I didn’t want to be the man left by his wife. My fear, pride and ego compelled me to act. I lacked the self-esteem necessary to believe I was good enough for her in very hard times (I don’t have self-esteem issues any more).

BEWARE OF TELLING YOURSELF A FALSE NARRATION TO PROHIBIT SELF GROWTH

Lack of intimacy, fueled by no conflict, compelled me to seek outside validation to pacify insecurity.

It was totally nonsexual. Males or females could satisfy this lack in my life. A lot of women were happy to fill this void. For her it was hard to imagine bonding with a heterosexual woman through friendship outside my marriage. Love has always been a nonromantic thing for me. I love my mother, daughter, and aunts. I can love women who are friends too. I recently told a good woman friend of mine I love her. I have no interest in sleeping with her or becoming her boyfriend.

Love has nothing to do with romanticism to me.

I found non-familial women often developed love for me. Sure, a lot wanted romanticism but a man like me was intimidating. It was easy to have boundaries because many lacked the courage to make the “first move”. Indirect communication is a woman’s primary language. It’s easy to ignore.

I would recognize it only to the point where they weren’t embarrassed. My ex-wife called this type of behavior cheating.

I always say cheating is doing anything behind a partner’s back and pretending you don’t do it. She always knew the women. She could always call them. I always told her I saw them when I saw them. I came home every night and slept next to her. I didn’t have sex with them. Cheating is hypocritical. Cheating is based on “hiding” things. If a partner knows what is happening, it’s a lot of things. It might even be inappropriate. But it isn’t cheating.

Before my growth (as I’ve grown from these actions) I wanted true intimacy from a woman. Kisses, hugs, and sex weren’t the object.

I searched for outside women to fill the role my wife didn’t provide. I was looking for real female intimacy. No conflict meant I had no intimacy.

Intimacy can happen with a lot of people. Even with men. If you’re a woman in a similar situation I would caution you from creating a “Cheater” narration about your husband to prohibit self-discovery, self-growth and another opportunity with him.

My past actions were a lot of things. I’m not saying they were okay. I’m trying to explain to you what they are to a “man” who lacked growth from a relationship that prevented growth. I’m also explaining for your benefit the part a woman plays in these actions.

It is possible to have a man like this grow past actions you don’t like. It is possible for the man to grow to be the man you always hoped. Pride and ego are your enemy.

FAULT BLAME AND RESPONSIBILITY CAN BE DIFFERENT

We can separate fault, blame and responsibility. I was the only one at fault and it was my responsibility to fix my situation. Conversely, it was my responsibility to grow for me.

The flip to this coin is there was blame with my ex-wife for not creating the conflict necessary to resolve these major issues. Had she created conflict and sought to resolve it in a healthy way we could have stayed together. She avoided counseling. She didn’t want to open herself to third party opinions. She wouldn’t go to church together. Any suggestion to do an activity involving outside help was shut down. Instead, she shut down and concentrated on how much I hurt her.

If she voiced her disapproval, and demanded some kind of resoultion I would have been forced to resolve conflict. I could have looked at myself in the mirror a lot sooner. Maybe before it festered for too long. We could have avoided these actions entirely. Maybe if we tried to seek outside help, we would have been helped.

We both could have grown with conflict to be a better people.

With no conflict we were in a relationship where we never grew.

I thrived so much out of this relationship. It wasn’t because she was a bad woman or a terrible person. It was because we both created an environment with no conflict. She never voiced her actual thoughts, ideas or beliefs. Conversely, I never made effort to know her.

Exiting that marriage, I’ve grown. I’ve grown way past needing to do those juvenile actions.

I only seek relationships where a woman will speak, offer her opinion, and commit to healthy ways to resolve conflict. If she is quiet, it concerns me. If a woman doesn’t have communication skills, it concerns me.

THE GOAL OF THIS EXPLANATION

Hopefully this explanation will prevent you from assuming a narration to comfort you. Those actions were not cheating. Those actions were lack of self-esteem fixing worth to the value of another.

Those actions are extremely unhealthy. I do not encourage men to do them. Those actions were a result a lack of something inside. Those actions were not about being romantic and sex.

They had nothing to do with sex or romanticism. Make sure you don’t fall into the trap of dismissing an opportunity to critique yourself honestly.

INTIMACY REQUIRES DIALOGUE & CONFLICT

Intimacy isn’t just touching, sex and cuddling. Intimacy is knowing someone deep in their soul. True intimacy for a mature man is having a lover, an advisor, a confidant, and a friend. Friends say insightful things for your benefit. Friends speak up about things they disagree with. Friends tell you who they actually are. Friends do not appease each other to be in each other’s company.

Every word that comes out is because they care.

Silence is like death to a man seeking true intimacy. You can only get intimacy with conflict. Men don’t know everything. We are wrong. We seek women who can show us our errors without tearing us down. Intimacy is an act of true vulnerability.

You can only gauge true vulnerability when someone handles conflict in healthy ways. Healthy ways resolve issues for the benefit of “us” not “me”.

CONFLICT IS HEALTHY ARGUMENTS ARE NOT

Remember I am not every kind of man. There are different types of men. Who you prefer is your choice. I don’t need to be your type. If I am not your type it doesn’t matter. I am a man who has done a lot . I’ve earned a lot. I talk about some of my exploits in my international best seller, “I Made It Then I Didn’t”. I am different but not unique.

There are many men like me. We value God, marriage, family, fatherhood and providing above everything.

If you want a focused, diligent, and emotionally available man who will completely provide for his family…than read my words. Understand how to avoid divorce not run toward it. If you are divorced there’s a chance to reconcile if Ego is not in your way. Hopefully this helped!

To your knowledge success!

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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You might also like these from The Good Men Project:

.. In Modern Relationships, We Cheat Every Single Day

Compliments Men Would Love to Hear More Often

.10 Things Good Men Should Never Do in a Relationship

It’s Not Just Sex That He is Longing For. It’s This

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