“But he said he loves me!”
How many of your women friends in secret relationships have said that to justify an affair?
It’s a thing an involved man says when he’s getting sex on the side, and doesn’t want to give it up. The mistress at some point during the covert relationship asks him if he will leave his current partner for her, and he lies to her in the throes of lust.
“Of course I will leave her, I’m just waiting for the right… time!”
I’ve never used this line myself. However, I have a male brain, and I’ve heard from enough other male brains to understand how this will go for most women.
I’m almost 100% certain he’s not thinking much further ahead than the next time he has sex with you, let alone being with you full-time.
In fact, there is some research to back this up.
“Men are more likely to have affairs than women and are often seeking more sex or attention,” notes VeryWell Mind. “When women cheat, they’re often trying to fill an emotional void. Women frequently complain of disconnection from a spouse, and of the wish to be desired and cherished.”
Perhaps he is “lovebombing” you right now, as the two of you make passionate love behind his long-time partner’s back. You’re completely smitten as the dopamine from his constant attention floods your entire being.
He is saying all the right things to get your motor running. (Men will say just about anything to get you into bed again.)
But don’t mistake that enthusiasm for “love.” He is enjoying getting laid, plain and simple. He may have cheated before, and he probably isn’t focusing on you as his next life partner. He already has one.
Men want more sex without giving up comfort
If he’s cheating on someone he’s been with for awhile, he’s not necessarily looking for another relationship. He’s likely looking for some intimacy in the bedroom that may be lacking. (He’s not coming to you for home-cooked meals or advice on his next career move.)
Men often want sex first, and then emotional connection. If men already have a long-term partner, then they probably have earned some level of security and familiarity, which are both keys to a successful partnership. However, these are not things that can be won overnight.
Men who have earned the trust and respect of their partners are not usually in a hurry to give those things up for good, even if their sex drive tries to convince them otherwise.
Women often want to feel emotionally safe before committing to sex. Since men don’t seek emotional connections before sex as often as women do, you can be almost sure your role as mistress has already been defined.
It’s somewhat common for the “flame” to fizzle out beyond the Honeymoon phase. The trouble is, the Honeymoon phase will always be temporary — up to 2.5 years at most. Then you and your affair partner might fall into the same patterns, looking for renewed passion with someone new.
This is not to say that women don’t cheat for the same reasons as men — wanting more action in the bedroom. Some women don’t want anything to do with the man she’s cheating with outside of the sheets. In fact, there’s some emerging research that women may prefer more variety than men.
However, while a man might promise he wants than more than sex from the relationship, traditional research suggests women may expect more over time, and remain faithful to their affair partners — even when they know deep down that it’s a dead end.
On the flipside, not all men stray for sex. Some may do it out of anger, resentment, jealousy, or low self-esteem.
There’s a sliver of hope for a real connection — but is it worth the risk?
Admittedly, not all relationships born of infidelity fail. However, stats show that about 75% of partnerships that started as affairs end in a break-up. Meanwhile, only about 25% of marriages survive cheating.
So, look at it this way: the chances he will stay with you for a long time after cheating with you aren’t great. And the chances of your previous partner taking you back is quite slim. So you will either end up with a short-lived thrill, or probably lose everything.
If you’re looking to be with your affair partner long term, the odds aren’t looking great. The gamble is pretty big, considering there’s not often clear winners in this scenario.
Look, I’m not a cheater, but I am quite knowledgeable of the male psyche. Men want to have sex with you if he’s sneaking out of the house and meeting up with you in motel rooms. He’s not looking to watch your favourite shows with you.
Maybe you’re just looking for some hot sex from a man who ravishes you. It’s interesting that women are actually more likely to cheat than men due to getting bored in the bedroom.
However, if you’re staying in an affair because you’re holding out for more connection, you might be wasting your time and energy. You also might be setting yourself up for some major heartache.
If he’s hiding you and pretending you don’t exist between bedroom sessions, then you can almost be sure he’s not planning on following through with any relationship plans.
Know that sex for men is often about maintaining their fragile ego. He wants to feel manly, and maybe even brag to his friends about who he’s hooking up with on the side (note to adult men: call out your friends on that shit.)
For women, it’s not so much about ego: it’s more about trust and security, and you’re not going to find a lot of that with a guy who is having secret sex with you and leaving. (Unless of course, that’s all you really want.)
Perhaps the notion of women wanting security over sex is outdated. After all, there are studies showing otherwise, and I have written about how women will lead the next sexual revolution.
But ladies — especially you younger ones who may not yet identify all the red flags from men — the secret affair you’re having is probably purely physical to him. If that’s what you want, then just be careful.
If you want more commitment and he’s holding out, then it could be time to jump ship — before you destroy what you may already have with someone else.
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What are your thoughts on the subject?
Thanks for reading! Find more of my stories of interest to you by category.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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