Starting a new job is something that is terrifying for me. Not only because of the normal anxieties associated with starting something new but with my past experiences hindering me. I have started jobs before and things never really went well.
I suffered from Lyme disease for 15 years before finally getting a diagnosis. I was misdiagnosed and treated for a variety of mental illnesses that it turns out I never had. That alone is enough for me to suffer from PTSD. I never knew what was wrong with me, even though multiple professionals told me they did.
My work struggles began after college ended in 2015. I would get there, utilize my perfectionism, and become fantastic within the first three months. However, after my first few months of overachieving, I would implode.
I understand the reason for this is a combination of things between perfectionism and the pressures of deadlines and things of that nature. However, as I later found out, my brain would begin to revolt. It would feel as though I was literally going insane. While typing on the computer I would be writing sentences like, “the when and in the past forever.” It made no sense.
As I would be trying to carry on with my job I would then have intense chest pain. I always described it as a corset being tightened around my heart and lungs. Breathing would be labored and the panic would set in. I clearly couldn’t think, breathe, or do the most minor tasks that for the past few months had become routine.
After this happened in October of 2022, I was later seeking a variety of treatments I describe in one of my other posts, when I found out I was suffering from Neurological Lyme Disease symptoms. After 15 years I was in disbelief that a tick could have caused my life’s struggles. As a matter of fact, like 40% of people with Lyme Disease, I don’t recall ever being bitten by a tick.
Moving Forward
Most of my anxiety lies with the unknown of the new position I have taken. I think it’s normal for people to have anxiety about the future because that’s kind of the name of the game.
My issue is whether I’m healthy enough. The questions whirling through my mind are, is it gone? Am I better? Are these past experiences going to undermine me? Did I give myself enough time to heal?
The unknown is so scary to me and I’d love to see if anyone reading this has ever had similar experiences and if they have anything that has helped them.
I have made immense progress and think I will be okay, but the uncertainty of this next endeavor scares the daylights out of me. Thank you for letting me vent, and always remember not to give up hope. Sometimes it’s all we have until we can see that light at the end of the tunnel.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Israel Andrade on Unsplash