Why do we have sex?
Well, there’s the obvious biological reason. The need for reproduction is hardwired into us as a species, isn’t it? But let’s put that to one side. We live in a more advanced society than that of our ancestors, and the evolutionary traits originally intended to encourage us to procreate long ago developed to the point where the act has become pleasurable far beyond simple child production.
But while the answer to the question “why do we have sex?” may seem obvious, it’s actually a lot more nuanced than we think. And more importantly, if we don’t work to understand the answer to the question, we can end up having sex that’s not only disappointing but actively damages our emotional connections.
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Just because we have a justification for deciding to have sex, does that mean we actually need to do it?
In their 2007 study, Cindy Meston and David Buss examined the reason people have sex and identified 237 directly expressed reasons people had sex. They then grouped these reasons into four main factors, with thirteen subfactors.
- Physical: stress reduction, pleasure, physical desirability, experience seeking.
- Goal Attainment: resources, social status, revenge, utilitarian.
- Emotional: love and commitment, expression.
- Insecurity: self-esteem boost, duty/pressure, mate guarding.
Meston and Buss’ study is an interesting read, even for someone who, like me, is unfamiliar with the language of academic studies. But seeing the reasons people gave for wanting to have sex broken down like this makes me realise one thing in particular. Even if I’ve never thought about them in such clear terms, I knew all the listed reasons. From social status to revenge, from stress reduction to pressure, none of them was a surprise. And I’m fairly confident they weren’t for you, either.
Of course, not all of the factors identified by Meston and Buss can be considered healthy. Specifically, the factors listed under Insecurity do not display healthy reasons to want to have sex. While boosting your self-esteem, giving in to pressure or duty, or trying to keep your partner’s attention on you are all valid reasons, they are not exactly healthy ones, are they?
This raises the question, just because we have a justification for deciding to have sex, does that mean we actually need to do it?
Stuffed into the category of “Just Something Couples Do”
I’m sure that anyone who has been in a long-term relationship has experienced the idea of having sex on auto-pilot. I guess, based on the above study, this would fall somewhere between “utilitarian” and “pressure/duty”. When there is no real spark between you and your partner, there’s nothing you’re looking to achieve, and nothing you’re looking to give or receive. You’re simply having sex because that’s what you do.
It’s an easy problem to fall into because of society’s aversion to thinking about and discussing sex. When we don’t actively think about why we have sex, especially within the context of a long-term relationship, it gets stuffed into the category of “something couples do”. When you’re in a relationship, you have sex. Therefore, not having sex means your relationship is in trouble. A sign your relationship is effectively dead, and your only choices are to end it or accept that you have reached the point in life where passion dies?
But this is false logic because it’s based on a false assumption. Because if, as Meston and Buss have identified, there are reasons we decide to have sex, we must therefore accept the pointlessness of having sex for no reason.
When we have sex for no reason and gain no benefit, it instead drains our energy.
In her book, Mating in Captivity, psychotherapist Esther Perel discusses how various couples lost their sexual connection and how they went about rediscovering it. In doing so, she explains there are many reasons a couple might not be having sex, and this doesn’t mean there is necessarily a lack of connection.
“If we think of eroticism not as sex per se, but as a vibrant, creative energy, it’s easy to see that [the] erotic pulse is alive and well.”
When you and your partner have other things going on in your lives, it’s entirely possible that the need for that sexual connection may fade. This might be raising children, one of you having a new job, or buying and renovating a house together. I’m not saying that these things will necessarily mean your sexual energy or connection will definitely fade, but it’s possible. We’re all different, and we respond to life changes differently. But as long as you maintain your emotional connection and, of course, continue communicating, then a lack of sex doesn’t mean your relationship is failing.
So, sometimes we don’t need to have sex. But how exactly can having sex when you don’t need or want to damage your relationship? This is something sociologist Randall Collins explores in his book, Interaction Ritual Chains. Here, he discusses how our social lives are driven by shared rituals. And while successful social rituals boost our emotional energy, failed rituals actually drain it.
Sex is one of these social rituals. When done “right”, providing us with one of the desired benefits outlined by Meston and Buss, those rituals give us energy. But when done wrong, when we have sex for no reason and gain no benefit, it instead drains our energy. The energy Perel has identified as vital for other aspects of our lives.
Forcing themselves to have bad, unwanted sex would have damaged their relationship
Let me give you an example of a relationship where this idea played out.
I have two friends who are in a happy, loving relationship. They had been together for years, lived together, and were happily in love. They simply hadn’t had sex in months. This wasn’t because they had lost anything. They just both had other things going on in their lives that were taking that erotic energy and channelling it in other directions. But then came Lockdown and its forced sabbatical from any activities taking place outside of their flat. And guess what, they rekindled their sex life. Because once their energy was no longer being focused elsewhere, they were free to refocus it on themselves.
Whether they realised it at the time or not, they had decided that forcing themselves to have bad, unwanted sex would have damaged their relationship. They were still as connected as ever, just in different ways. Had they tried to force themselves to have sex for the sake of it, it would have drained their emotional energy. This, in turn, would have impacted other areas of their lives and, through this, their existing emotional connection. Then, when Lockdown forced them into each other’s company, would their relationship have survived that lack of energy and built up resentment? I’m not sure it would have. But by not worrying about the fact they weren’t having sex when neither of them needed it, they had kept themselves in a place where is was natural and easy for them to return to it when they were.
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Now, I’m not arguing that sex must always have some great and meaningful intent or objective. In a long-term relationship, quick, easy sex can be a way of reconnecting with each other. Sex doesn’t have to be mind-blowing to fall into Meston and Buss’ “Emotional” category. In a way, it becomes the same as a kiss or a cuddle. A brief connection with your partner on an intimate level doesn’t need to rock your world. Just be a simple moment of deeper connection shared between you and no one else.
Sex should be an adventure. It should say something about you and your values. It should be a celebration of joy and pleasure. It should be an explosion of wild hedonism or an intense expression of intimacy.
Sex should be a lot of things, but what it should never be is pointless.
It’s okay not to have sex if it’s not going to bring anything to the table other than it’s own existence.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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