Within my social network, no couple comes to mind which represents the high-school sweetheart love story. With rapid societal shifts, people are choosing to work long, and with that, relationships are changing, too.
Yet, we cannot deny that stubborn, slow-burning ember within us which acknowledges the innocence and… beauty of finding a relationship where you are each other’s first love. Perhaps not for religious reasons, but to desire what our grandparents had, some of us are driven to seek that one person who they can grow old together early on.
Among other factors, greater work opportunities and rising living costs have meant young people are spending longer in their careers before settling down. The consequence of this on dating is nothing surprising. Even without the prospects of settling down, people in their early 20s — 30s are still dating and having emotional/physical relationships.
What does this mean, then, to those still wanting to find their ‘one’, at a later stage? More directly, should it bother you if your partner has had previous relationships? Does the number of ex’s matter?
In short — no. Of course, context matters and this does not encapsulate clear red flags from past relationships or any obvious signs which make you question your relationship. I’m talking about whether your partner’s past, where they have dated others, should matter to what you both have now.
I’m not going to say what you feel about your partner’s history is wrong, but I do think it often plays in our minds a lot more than what reality portrays.
Know Your Value
This is the most essential value that you need to understand. Insecurity may arise knowing your partner has had previous relationships. This may be the primary (or sole) reason for discomfort.
What if his ex is smarter, better looking, more successful than me?
To really deal with this feeling, it is important to unearth the root cause of it. First of all, her being smarter, better looking and more successful than you are just bull**** thoughts.
Your value, as with each individual, is your uniqueness and personal traits. Intelligence cannot and shouldn’t be defined in one single measurement, say education. For some, the assessments of academic institutions work. For others, they truly thrive in a less structured and independent terrain.
Beauty is also subjective and we all know each person is battling with their own insecurities, no matter how perfect their lives may seem on the outside.
You have clearly developed your own ambitions and worked on yourself to a great degree that your partner is attracted to you. Rather than thinking about who he was with in the past, know that your own traits mean that you are just as desirable as a partner.
You (and your partner) need to know what you want
What is the likelihood that you will meet someone from your small-town high school, and fall passionately in love, the end?
Just as we change career goals, or more crucially, discover who we reallyare as we mature, we shouldn’t feel the pressure to lock down our relationship so early on, despite that romanticised idea instilled in us.
Practically, it is also beneficial to date whilst your young so that you know what personality traits are most compatible with you. More crudely put, and I only say this as a tongue in cheek, how do you know you like apples if you’ve never tried strawberries?
Jokes aside, I have personally felt more appreciative towards my partner as I know not all relationships are like this, and she has expressed the same towards me. In my previous job, I worked shifts and meant she had to stay up until 0300 just to catch a 30-minute conversation with me as I left work due to our time-zone differences.
It may be difficult to recognise your privileges and blessings if they are all you’ve ever known. From previous relationships, I knew this wasn’t ‘the norm’ and required an insane amount of effort from my girlfriend’s side. Seeing how she acted so selflessly over those months, sacrificing sleep, and, more importantly, her productivity the next day, my love and appreciation towards her deepened.
I have also seen from others that settling down too early on may be susceptible to more pernicious possibilities. Cheating can never be excused and I’m a firm believer that the person involved had the option to address their underlying sentiments, no matter how difficult a task, long before they festered into the act.
At the same time, I see that, among other reasons, cheating occurs when one person cannot suppress that feeling of lust and temptation of something they’ve never experienced before.
Even more intensified with people who have never had a sexual relationship with more than one person, that opportunity may present itself as that person gets a little older, more confident in who they are, perhaps now with money and time on their side. Wanting a new experience could be too much to pass.
And in most cases, the act is much more disappointing in reality for the offender. It doesn’t turn out the way they had hoped, and instead, they have damaged a relationship where their partner was all in and committed.
I don’t know if this can be swiped with the broad stroke of ‘human nature’, or if that even lets people too easily off the hook. But what I do think is that some people need to live a more carefree and non-committal life before they can settle in a relationship.
It’s the Now that matters.
If your partner’s past doesn’t raise red flags on your relationship, the present moment is what you should focus on, and enjoy. We need to accept the fact that our partners had had lives before they met us, and deserved to search for happiness during that time. Falling in love with others, having new experiences and just generally discovering who they are is part of life.
Their previous relationship(s) ended for a reason, that’s all that really needs to be said. Just like you are actively deciding to remain in this relationship, so have they. Based on that common ground, a foundation has been set whereby you two can now create a new future together.
A quintessential aspect of any lasting relationship is having two people knowing who they are, or at the bare minimum, have the environment to continue discovering who they are, with the support of their partner. If you truly see a future with this person, then embrace the moment with them so that you can get there, not look back at where they once were.
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: by Sean Stratton on Unsplash