For a long time, I did not know how to rest.
As a nurse in Abuja, my day starts early. I wake by 5am, I pray, I cook, I go to work. At work, I stand for hours. I care for patients. I smile even when I am tired. After work, I come home and clean, wash, answer messages, check on family.
If I sit down and do nothing, I feel guilty.
My mind would tell me, “You are lazy. Other people are working. Why are you sitting?”
So even on my off days, I would find something to do. I would rearrange my wardrobe. I would wash curtains that were not dirty. I would stay busy just to feel worthy.
Last month, I had a breakdown.
It was my day off. I had planned to rest. I was on my bed with my phone. Then my aunty called. She said, “You are just sleeping? No work?”
Something broke inside me. I started crying. Not because of what she said, but because I believed it. I believed that rest made me useless.
I called my senior colleague. She is like a mother to me. I told her, “I am tired, but I feel bad for being tired.”
She laughed gently and said, “My daughter, even God rested on the seventh day. Who told you that you must work every day to be loved?”
That question stayed with me.
That week, I tried something new. I gave myself permission to rest without explanation.
On Sunday, I did not wash clothes. I did not clean the whole house. I just made tea, read my Bible, and sat by my window. I watched the rain.
At first, the guilt came. It said, “Get up.”
I said to the guilt, “Not today. Today I am resting and I am still a good person.”
Slowly, the guilt became quieter.
I have learned that rest is not a reward for finishing work. Rest is part of the work.
You cannot pour from an empty cup. You cannot care for others when you have not cared for yourself.
If you are like me, and you feel guilty when you rest, please hear this: You are not lazy for resting. You are human.
You are allowed to lie down. You are allowed to do nothing. You are allowed to breathe.
Rest is not wasting time. Rest is healing.
So today, after you finish reading this, put your phone down for 30 minutes. Just sit. Or sleep. Or drink water slowly.
You deserve it. You have done enough for today.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Karsten Winegeart On Unsplash
