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The question “Why?” someone would kill innocent people leads to understanding that this man experienced a different world than you and I. This person had an inner world which perceived and interpreted the outer world as part of his suffering. When inner suffering, emotional-mental suffering, is not relieved, the pain holds anger for all it encounters.
The emotional pain children suffer when parents disappear, whether by accident or as part of what seems conscious choice, is mind- and soul-numbing. Children who feel disconnected from their parents suffer greatly. There is within them a pulsing understanding that they were not powerful enough, good enough, to merit their parents’ love. When this pulsing continues without notice or compassion, like any pain, it begins to influence the person’s whole consciousness.
If we switch roles with Stephen Paddock and imagine our lives lived with the understanding that our father was so distant and lost that he had no love for us, we can imagine at least two polar responses. One, if circumstances are right and we feel deeply cared for, is that we will feel loved and recognize our father suffered without feeling loved. The other is if we continue to dwell on and wrestle with his distance and indifference to our need for love. This focus will grow with each moment of awareness given to it.
For Stephen Paddock, the world was not a compassionate resource.
While there is always enough compassion, he did not understand that availability. Through no choice of his own, his father was taken away. The world “out there”—which his father chose over Stephen—became, eventually, too much to bear without striking back.
Locked-in emotional pain will eventually emerge. Relationship with others where our pain is shared and our load lightened is the design of life. We’re learning this in the United States. Stephon Paddock is one of our teachers.
Fathers, stay connected to your children and their mothers and challenge yourself to be compassionate. Children stay loving of yourselves regardless of your parents’ pain and difficulties. Gradually you will understand that the love is still within you.
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